Farewell Steve Jobs....

Oct 7 , 2011 


The Icons of the Icons

Farewell to Steve Jobs, the great mind behind Apple. I have owned Macs since 1984 starting with the MacPlus. I’ve had jobs where I’ve had to work on Windows computers and there is just no comparison from my experience. I will miss Steve at the helm of Apple. There was so much more left for him to invent beside the iMac, iPod, iPhone, and iPad. I hacked into Apple and found a few other things that Steve had planned....

There was the iGarage, a robotic device that would have allowed you to remotely clean, organize and rearrange your garage from your iPhone app.

There was the iTeen. A micro chip you shot into your child’s neck. It has a gps chip and a recording unit so you know where the little creep is and what they’re saying about you. The upgrade came with a tiny shock button that allowed you to program a brain zap whenever your kid broke a rule.

There was the iHusband. A tiny microchip that you could drop in your husband’s coffee that would make it’s way to his brain and lodge in one of the many unoccupied zones of his mind, like where the sensitivity or patience program would have been if it hadn’t been destroyed by testosterone. The iHusband has a gps unit, a recorder and a program to monitor unauthorized zipper deployment.

There was the iShopper, a hand held device that alerted you to all the sales locations of the items you programmed in. iShopper kept accurate records of the balances on all your credit cards so you knew which one you could use that day. It also featured a hologram projection of a disabled parking hangtag that it could project onto your rearview mirror so you could use a handicapped parking spaces. Hook the iShopper up to it’s optional miniprinter and you can print your own receipts in the car in case your husband accuses you of spending too much.....”Look, honey, I hit a great sale!”

The iParty, a hand held party locator. You can scan a neighborhood, the iParty tells you what the celebration is for, who’s throwing it, and the proper attire. With this information, you can crash any party you like.

The iHip. An iPhone app for men over 50 who are trying to score a trophy girlfriend. It translate anything the young miss is saying. It lists all the currents groups, who’s in, who’s out, plus it translates youthful patois into everyday language. For example, “My bad” is an acceptable replacement for “I’m sorry.”

And the iHampton. This is a very advanced iPhone app that allows you to track anyone on the east end, including Shelter Island. You just program in the name of the person you want to track, the request is uploaded to the satellite in space that is stationed directly over the Hamptons and it sends you can icon that represents that person. You can figure out the icons for yourself, or purchase Apples really expensive; Guide to the Icons of the Icons.
For example; two bells without clappers is the icon for Paul Simon (what are the Sounds of Silence?), a perfectly folded napkin - would be Martha Stewart, an outline of Korea with a martini over it - would be Alan Alda, a hat and a pipe would be......if you fail to guess this correctly, you may never read this paper again.