For many people, a bathing suit is just something you're almost wearing in front of strangers on a beach. For people who live near salt water, it's alot more than that.
My grandfather, Ervin Flynn, was a bay clammer in Sayville, New York. From early childhood I learned from my family that all bathing suits have a second purpose in life, to hold clams....
I come from a family of big Irish peasants. I can still see my family, waist deep in water treading clams. My Aunt Carol's bathing suit could hold 2 pecks (1/2 buschel) of clams in addition to Aunt Carol. My Aunt Olive could hold 2 pecks of clams, 2 bottles of beer and a churchkey, small bottle of tobasco and a clamming knife. She always loved lunch on the water..... My Uncle Walter (by marriage) was a lifeguard, he liked to wear a red speedo...useless in my family. Speedos have a four clam limit, 2 in front, 2 in back (think of that visual). My grandfather had the big boxer style swim trunks - with pockets. He always wore a tee shirt in the water and tucked it into the trunks. He could put a peck of clams in the Tee shirt, another in the trunks and fit "conks" (snails) into the pockets.
Now that I live on Shelter Island, I am proud to pass this old world knowledge onto my children. My mother, step-father, me, my two perfect children and sometimes a few of my brothers go treading clams in our favorite spot whenever possible.
We wait till the tide is low to go out to the clams. We pick a spot, about waist deep and begin the Clam Dance. You wiggle your feet a few inches into the slimey mud and feel with your toes for clams. Experienced toes can tell a stone (smooth) from clam (ridged). Articulate toes can grip the clam and pass it up to your hand for deposit in your bathing suit. The first few clams pass virtually undetected to your crotch. Since you're in waist deep water, the bouyancy of the salt water keeps the crotch from sagging and the clams from escaping. For men, things can feel a little crowded, for women, well, just don't lose a clam. You tread, talk and tread, for a few hours. Two to three hours of clam dancing should give you a 2 peck yield, roughly clams to the bustline.
Then we wait for any cars to pass that can see us exit the water. The hardest thing about treading clams is getting out of the water with all these clams in your bathing suit. The additional twenty pounds of mollusks shifting and banging together in your suit makes you ambulate very slowly to shore. Each step out of the water, draws the suit down lower and lower. As soon as you're in knee-deep water you reach down to hold in clams that are starting to fall out of your crotch. For people driving by who are from, say, Montana, this can be a frightening site. Islanders only slow down enough to memorize the location of the clambed.
Islanders can tell from your bathing suits if there are any clams left for them. A one bathing suit haul means, there's plenty of clams left. Two bathing suits, enough clams left for one dinner for two of steamed clams, three bathing suit haul means there's enough left for dinner for one, lastly the dreaded four or more bathing suit haul - forget it, these people cleared the bed of all the legal sized clams.
Finally, you make it to land. You tie the sleeves of all available shirts closed, up-end the shirt to act as a sack and start reaching down into your suit for the clams. When you can't reach them from the top, go up from the bottom. Its best to tread clams with family as you will undoubtably expose some personal parts of your body in the de-clamming process. Only family should see the parts of you that you've never seen.
My brother Brian once caught a flounder accidently while dropping a clam in his trunks. Picture a 6'3", 260lbs man emerging from the water. Trunks weighed down with clams and a three pound live one flopping around in the front of his trunks. He was steppin' lively! Our Shinnecock ancestors would have given him the same name we did that day. He was, Dances With Clams......
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
I HATE President Bush
I'd like to say I hate President Bush, but that's too mild. I detest and despise the beady eyed idiot. Now he's got it all going:
1} He started a war to gain access to the second largest oil field in the Middle East. Halliburton is administering the operations while Chevron, Exxon and Mobil pump out the oil and I presume are storing it here somewhere since all of a sudden we seem to have run out of room at our oil refineries.... gas prices will go up to $4 a gallon, then Bush will command them back down to $3 a gallon, which was his goal when he took office. We'll all be glad we're not paying $4 a gallon, and he and his Texas Oil boys will make billions.
2} He's thrown the borders wide open and is encouraging easement of immigration laws. This is succeeding in flooding the country with cheap labor which will break the unions, another big business goal met. Bush's "plan" to stem the tide of illegals can't be implemented until 2008, the year he leaves office... isn't that convenient?
3} With the recent Supreme Court decision to grant private corporations 'eminent domain' over private property, three of the deciding Justices being Republicans, Bush clears the path for big business, especially the oil business, to build wherever it wants to.
I don't understand how America can listen to his 'pro-life, pro-family' rhetoric while he sets up America for a depression more terrible than the 1930's. Unemployment and abortions have soared since he first became president. It's only a matter of time before he implements a draft. He's breaking every campaign promise. He's not in Iraq-Nam for their freedom. We're stealing their oil, that's why we're there. Iraq didn't have a navy or air force, they were never a threat to us. What were they going to do...strap a bomb on a camel and send it by cargo ship? Iraq was as much threat to the US as a fart in a windstorm. If we were fighting for freedom, we'd be in about 4 African countries right now....too bad Africa doesn't have oil...
And I believe he was part of the bombing of the World Trade Center, go check out www.septembereleventh.org, 911Truth.org, oilempire.us. When you look at the film, frame by frame, you can see for yourself that something shoots out from under the plane just before it hits the tower. There was a reason why Bush sat in that classroom and continued reading about the little goat after he was notified of the first crash....he knew the second one was coming. Please don't take my word. Go look at these and other websites like them and decide for yourself.
1} He started a war to gain access to the second largest oil field in the Middle East. Halliburton is administering the operations while Chevron, Exxon and Mobil pump out the oil and I presume are storing it here somewhere since all of a sudden we seem to have run out of room at our oil refineries.... gas prices will go up to $4 a gallon, then Bush will command them back down to $3 a gallon, which was his goal when he took office. We'll all be glad we're not paying $4 a gallon, and he and his Texas Oil boys will make billions.
2} He's thrown the borders wide open and is encouraging easement of immigration laws. This is succeeding in flooding the country with cheap labor which will break the unions, another big business goal met. Bush's "plan" to stem the tide of illegals can't be implemented until 2008, the year he leaves office... isn't that convenient?
3} With the recent Supreme Court decision to grant private corporations 'eminent domain' over private property, three of the deciding Justices being Republicans, Bush clears the path for big business, especially the oil business, to build wherever it wants to.
I don't understand how America can listen to his 'pro-life, pro-family' rhetoric while he sets up America for a depression more terrible than the 1930's. Unemployment and abortions have soared since he first became president. It's only a matter of time before he implements a draft. He's breaking every campaign promise. He's not in Iraq-Nam for their freedom. We're stealing their oil, that's why we're there. Iraq didn't have a navy or air force, they were never a threat to us. What were they going to do...strap a bomb on a camel and send it by cargo ship? Iraq was as much threat to the US as a fart in a windstorm. If we were fighting for freedom, we'd be in about 4 African countries right now....too bad Africa doesn't have oil...
And I believe he was part of the bombing of the World Trade Center, go check out www.septembereleventh.org, 911Truth.org, oilempire.us. When you look at the film, frame by frame, you can see for yourself that something shoots out from under the plane just before it hits the tower. There was a reason why Bush sat in that classroom and continued reading about the little goat after he was notified of the first crash....he knew the second one was coming. Please don't take my word. Go look at these and other websites like them and decide for yourself.
Monday, June 27, 2005
We Need a New Constitution!
Happy Fourth of July!
The American Manifesto
Such a big fuss this week just because the Supreme Court gave the government the right to bulldoze your house to build a tax generating shopping mall that would spark the local economy. Republicans, Democrats, Conservatives, Liberals, not nobody, nowhere, no how, seems to like this decision.
Thomas Jefferson said: “The right to procure property and to use it for one’s own enjoyment is essential to the freedom of every person, and our other rights would mean little without these rights of property ownership.” “The true foundation of republican government is the equal right of every citizen in his person and property management. ....a right given by nature to all men,...that of rescuing their own property wrongfully taken.”
But what does Tom know about today’s America? I’m sure if he knew we export $3 billion dollars a year worth of scrap metal and raw materials to China and we import $30 billion a year worth of manufactured goods from China, sold thru giants like Walmart, he’d understand that a Walmart anywhere would bring a lot more money to the local coffers than some old houses.
Of course, exporting all that scrap metal does bother me a bit. We sold thousands of tons scrap metal to Japan in the 1930’s. Do you think? Nah...it couldn't happen again.
President Theodore Roosevelt said: “In every civilized society property rights must be carefully safeguarded; ordinarily and in the great majority of cases, human rights and property rights are fundamentally and in the long run identical.”
But what does Teddy know about today’s America? It’s because of him we’re stuck with all these huge National Parks. When I think of the profit loss from all that wasted real estate....
The Fifth Amendment to the Constitution says:
“No person shall be ....deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.” (Traditionally, eminent domain has been utilized to facilitate transportation, the supplying of water and power, et.al..)
Here’s the crux of the whole problem. This old document, the Constitution. We should tear it up and start over. It was written for ordinary people. Who cares about them? We need one written for the new America...Corporate America. Why, we could use this handy old document I found on the internet, it’s perfect!
From the Communist Manifesto: “Private property must, therefore, be abolished and in its place must come the common utilization of all instruments of production and the distribution of all products according to common agreement – in a word, what is called the communal ownership of goods. In fact, the abolition of private property is, doubtless, the shortest and most significant way to characterize the revolution in the whole social order which has been made necessary by the development of industry – and for this reason it is rightly advanced by communists as their main demand.”
We could call it the American Manifesto. I like the sound of that....manifesto rhymes with pesto and we all like that, so I think it has a chance to get through congress. That oughta work good for corporations like Microsoft who makes software for Communist China, IBM who sold their PC division to China, and Walmart who puts China to work (Were you wondering where China got the money to bid on Union 76 Oil?).
The five Justices who decided that the government can take your home away and give it to corporate developers whenever it wants to: John Paul Stevens (Republican), Anthony M. Kennedy (Republican), David H. Souter (Republican), Ruth Bader Ginsburg (Democrat), Stephen G. Breyer (Democrat).
But I wonder if these five can really override these fifty: NEW HAMPSHIRE: Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton. MASSACHUSETTS: John Hancock, Samuel Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry. RHODE ISLAND: Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery. CONNECTICUT: Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott. NEW YORK: William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris. NEW JERSEY: Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark. PENNSYLVANIA: Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross. DELAWARE: Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean. MARYLAND: Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton. VIRGINIA: George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton. NORTH CAROLINA: William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn. SOUTH CAROLINA: Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton. GEORGIA: Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton.
Remember what Abraham Lincoln said: “The people will get as good a government as they are willing to work for and as bad a government as they are willing to stand for. “
Manifesto rhymes with pesto, which has a good chance as long as people don’t use their noodles for thinking.
The American Manifesto
Such a big fuss this week just because the Supreme Court gave the government the right to bulldoze your house to build a tax generating shopping mall that would spark the local economy. Republicans, Democrats, Conservatives, Liberals, not nobody, nowhere, no how, seems to like this decision.
Thomas Jefferson said: “The right to procure property and to use it for one’s own enjoyment is essential to the freedom of every person, and our other rights would mean little without these rights of property ownership.” “The true foundation of republican government is the equal right of every citizen in his person and property management. ....a right given by nature to all men,...that of rescuing their own property wrongfully taken.”
But what does Tom know about today’s America? I’m sure if he knew we export $3 billion dollars a year worth of scrap metal and raw materials to China and we import $30 billion a year worth of manufactured goods from China, sold thru giants like Walmart, he’d understand that a Walmart anywhere would bring a lot more money to the local coffers than some old houses.
Of course, exporting all that scrap metal does bother me a bit. We sold thousands of tons scrap metal to Japan in the 1930’s. Do you think? Nah...it couldn't happen again.
President Theodore Roosevelt said: “In every civilized society property rights must be carefully safeguarded; ordinarily and in the great majority of cases, human rights and property rights are fundamentally and in the long run identical.”
But what does Teddy know about today’s America? It’s because of him we’re stuck with all these huge National Parks. When I think of the profit loss from all that wasted real estate....
The Fifth Amendment to the Constitution says:
“No person shall be ....deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation.” (Traditionally, eminent domain has been utilized to facilitate transportation, the supplying of water and power, et.al..)
Here’s the crux of the whole problem. This old document, the Constitution. We should tear it up and start over. It was written for ordinary people. Who cares about them? We need one written for the new America...Corporate America. Why, we could use this handy old document I found on the internet, it’s perfect!
From the Communist Manifesto: “Private property must, therefore, be abolished and in its place must come the common utilization of all instruments of production and the distribution of all products according to common agreement – in a word, what is called the communal ownership of goods. In fact, the abolition of private property is, doubtless, the shortest and most significant way to characterize the revolution in the whole social order which has been made necessary by the development of industry – and for this reason it is rightly advanced by communists as their main demand.”
We could call it the American Manifesto. I like the sound of that....manifesto rhymes with pesto and we all like that, so I think it has a chance to get through congress. That oughta work good for corporations like Microsoft who makes software for Communist China, IBM who sold their PC division to China, and Walmart who puts China to work (Were you wondering where China got the money to bid on Union 76 Oil?).
The five Justices who decided that the government can take your home away and give it to corporate developers whenever it wants to: John Paul Stevens (Republican), Anthony M. Kennedy (Republican), David H. Souter (Republican), Ruth Bader Ginsburg (Democrat), Stephen G. Breyer (Democrat).
But I wonder if these five can really override these fifty: NEW HAMPSHIRE: Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton. MASSACHUSETTS: John Hancock, Samuel Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry. RHODE ISLAND: Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery. CONNECTICUT: Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott. NEW YORK: William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris. NEW JERSEY: Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark. PENNSYLVANIA: Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross. DELAWARE: Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean. MARYLAND: Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton. VIRGINIA: George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton. NORTH CAROLINA: William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn. SOUTH CAROLINA: Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton. GEORGIA: Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton.
Remember what Abraham Lincoln said: “The people will get as good a government as they are willing to work for and as bad a government as they are willing to stand for. “
Manifesto rhymes with pesto, which has a good chance as long as people don’t use their noodles for thinking.
Friday, June 24, 2005
Barbecue and the Meaning of Life
Like everyone else, I miss things from my youth. I miss the body that I used to hate because I thought I was so fat at size 16. I miss gravity defying breasts. I miss perfect eyesight. I don’t think it’s a function of age that our eyesight weakens with time. It is a gift from G-d. The soft focus of myopia keeps our mate’s face youthful and attractive forever, or until we put on our glasses - whichever comes first. I’ve learned that the best way to take ten years off of my face is to knock the glasses off of his, or accidentally place them under the rear tire of any parked vehicle.
But what I miss the most is energy. The Aztecs called it “the age of never.” When suddenly you think to yourself, moving was never this hard before. Cleaning the whole house never took this much time before. Walking to the store was never so far, and uphill both ways!
One night you’re at a party. It’s 1 a.m. and suddenly you think to yourself, “I gotta get outta here. I gotta be at work at eight.” A few years go by and on the way to another party you say to yourself, “No matter what, I’m leaving by midnight.” A few more years go by and you find yourself saying to your host, “I gotta leave by 11 PM. If I don’t get at least 5 hours of sleep, my whole day will be shot.” Next you’re asking on the phone, “Well, what time does the party actually start?” You’re asking because you’re thinking, “I’ll take a nap before I go then I won’t be tired tomorrow if I stay late.”
For men, here’s where the big shift happens. Here’s what separates the Hard Working Joe from the Good Time Charlie, the young bucks from the warriors. One day a Good Time Charlie who has worked exhausted one time too many, begins to notice something that other men around his age are starting to do.
He notices that men gather in broad daylight on weekend afternoons. They roast raw meat which attracts women and children who praise them for their ability to roast meats of all types. Just like a night time party, they can drink beer and tell stories. Good Time Charlie has discovered another gift from G-d, fire...or, as modern man calls it....barbecue.
Fire in the form of barbecue is the warrior’s party time. He discovers he likes barbecues better. They end earlier and he can get a whole night’s sleep! Plus, barbecues are far more manly than parties. At parties, women put out tables of fancy dishes with lots of noodles, a hungry man needs to eat three plates to feel satisfied. Not so at a barbecue. The women still bring the noodle dishes, but he gets to eat slabs of meat marinated in garlic, onion, peppers and every available gas generating vegetable on the market. Combined with the beer and the baked beans, he learns never to turn his back to the barbecue flames.
Barbecue’s appeal to a man’s primitive soul. He must gather a bag of special black rocks. His hands become soiled as he piles the stones into the pit he has dug or purchased from Sears. Only he, the firemaker, can stuff tinder between the stones just right. Only he, the firemaker, can douse the magic stones with the water that ignites. All the women and children must stand at a safe distance, for they are only allowed to watch. The firemaker ignites a small stick with fire and then he tries to light the tinder around the black firestones. But he forgot to say the magic words, words so magical that women must cover the ears of small children. So he lights another small stick, says the unrepeatable magic words and tries again. This process is repeated until the fire god has heard enough already of the unrepeatable magic words and unleashes a burst of flames.
The fire must be nursed into a controlled blaze. When the stones are hot enough, which can only be judged from the thermostat that is genetically coded into the palms of all men, the flesh of the slain animals and fishes can be placed over the blaze by the firemaker. When enough time has gone by, and the firemaker has heard enough praise of his mastery of the fire pit, and he has heard enough begging and pleading from the starving women and children, he announces the food is ready. Everyone lines up, holds their plates humbly, eyes down, as they entreat the firemaker for sustenance.
The warriors know that microwaves are bad magic used by women. It is barbecue, which contains fire given to man by G-d, that is the good magic. As one of my brothers, whose nickname is Mongo, once said at a barbecue, “Nuker bad. Mongo no like nuker. Fire...fire good. Mongo like fire...”
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Age is Just a Number, and Mine is UP!!!
One of my best buddies just turned 50 and she was having a terrible time with it. So I thought I’d cheer her up by telling her not to think of her body as 50, but just think of her boobs as 25 years old apiece. It didn’t have the elevating effect I had hoped. As she cracked the seal on the bottle of Amaretto, I thought I’d point out some other advantages of age. I might need these pointers myself someday, very far in the future of course.....
As a mature woman;
* You have the ability to talk to authority figures without having to picture them naked in order to avoid feeling intimidated.
* You’re not afraid if the school calls about your child. Teachers and Principals no longer scare you because you know you can take ‘em.
* You know if you date or marry someone 20 years younger, you look like a fool. 43 year old Tom Cruise, jumping on Oprah's couch professing his love for 26 year old Katie somebody, is a prime example. He's 19 years older and could in fact, be her father. Somehow I don't think he'd have the same chance with her if he was Tom at the gas station......
* You can fully assess a person by looking at their shoes. Are they bachelors in crappy sneakers that they think they can wear with anything? Are they young gals who can still face the pain of high heels? Are they in those awful orange orthopedic shoes because they gave their lives (God Bless 'em) to waitressing? Are they in Birkenstocks? I gotta tell you about Birkenstocks... it's true what their ads say, "If you knew how comfortable they were, you'd be in them now." Birkenstocks are sneaky.. I started with one pair..they mated in my closet and now they even have grand children.
* You can talk about how moronic men are in their presence, because you know they aren't listening anyway.
* The risk of being kidnapped goes down 50% more with each additional year of age.
* People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
* Male doctors no longer want you to undress completely, just uncover whatever is absolutely necessary...
* Pharmacists treat you so much nicer now that you are a source of increasing revenue.
* Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
* No one expects you to run into a burning building to save anything.
* You too, can command family members from a recliner.
* There's not much left to learn the hard way.
* Your joints are more accurate than The Weather Channel.
* In a hostage situation, you’ll probably get released in the first group.
* Forget Estee Lauder, you know that all the beauty you need is only a light switch away.
* You know if it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Cooking with wine doesn’t mean it goes in the food.
* You’ve been the peacemaker long enough, from now on, whatever shit hits the fan will be evenly distributed.
* One of the advantages and disadvantages of menopause is that your photographic memory is running out of film, allowing you to forget what you got arrested for in 1968 - dancing topless in Central Park.
* And that picture of you dancing topless in Central Park in 1968 with your boobs painted like daisies used be to hidden in a drawer. Now it’s on the mantle just to remind you that inside that mature body is a radiant seventeen year old girl who still knows all the words to ‘Mellow Yellow’.
* You’ve learned not to leave the store without the pants that match the jacket.
* Not only can your boobs no longer pass the pencil test, they can't even pass the same test with a laptop...
* Your Drivers License picture is starting to look good.
* You know that bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* You can live with the fact that some days are a total waste of makeup.
* The bad news is, by now everyone has a bad back. The good news is, you’re just one more back injury away from qualifying for that handicapped parking permit.
* Now, losing a pet is like losing a child. But losing a man is like losing a pet used to be. You know you can always pick up another if you really want to go through all that training again....
* Screw Women’s Lib, you have to take a man with you for any conversations with car repairmen or the repair costs will go up 25%.
* You know if a man starts a conversation with, “I never wanted to hurt you....” , he can just stop there because you know it’s shorthand for, “I want to be with this other woman but I don’t want you to cry and make me feel guilty for being a schmuck”. But at this age, even if you cry him a river, you know how to build a bridge and get the fuck over it.
* You know the three biggest lies a woman hears in her life are: 1] I swear I’ll pull out in time; 2] The check is in the mail; 3] I’m from the government and I’m here to help you.
* You’re ready for a woman president because you know when women get stressed we shop, we don’t invade other countries.
As a mature woman;
* You have the ability to talk to authority figures without having to picture them naked in order to avoid feeling intimidated.
* You’re not afraid if the school calls about your child. Teachers and Principals no longer scare you because you know you can take ‘em.
* You know if you date or marry someone 20 years younger, you look like a fool. 43 year old Tom Cruise, jumping on Oprah's couch professing his love for 26 year old Katie somebody, is a prime example. He's 19 years older and could in fact, be her father. Somehow I don't think he'd have the same chance with her if he was Tom at the gas station......
* You can fully assess a person by looking at their shoes. Are they bachelors in crappy sneakers that they think they can wear with anything? Are they young gals who can still face the pain of high heels? Are they in those awful orange orthopedic shoes because they gave their lives (God Bless 'em) to waitressing? Are they in Birkenstocks? I gotta tell you about Birkenstocks... it's true what their ads say, "If you knew how comfortable they were, you'd be in them now." Birkenstocks are sneaky.. I started with one pair..they mated in my closet and now they even have grand children.
* You can talk about how moronic men are in their presence, because you know they aren't listening anyway.
* The risk of being kidnapped goes down 50% more with each additional year of age.
* People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
* Male doctors no longer want you to undress completely, just uncover whatever is absolutely necessary...
* Pharmacists treat you so much nicer now that you are a source of increasing revenue.
* Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
* No one expects you to run into a burning building to save anything.
* You too, can command family members from a recliner.
* There's not much left to learn the hard way.
* Your joints are more accurate than The Weather Channel.
* In a hostage situation, you’ll probably get released in the first group.
* Forget Estee Lauder, you know that all the beauty you need is only a light switch away.
* You know if it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Cooking with wine doesn’t mean it goes in the food.
* You’ve been the peacemaker long enough, from now on, whatever shit hits the fan will be evenly distributed.
* One of the advantages and disadvantages of menopause is that your photographic memory is running out of film, allowing you to forget what you got arrested for in 1968 - dancing topless in Central Park.
* And that picture of you dancing topless in Central Park in 1968 with your boobs painted like daisies used be to hidden in a drawer. Now it’s on the mantle just to remind you that inside that mature body is a radiant seventeen year old girl who still knows all the words to ‘Mellow Yellow’.
* You’ve learned not to leave the store without the pants that match the jacket.
* Not only can your boobs no longer pass the pencil test, they can't even pass the same test with a laptop...
* Your Drivers License picture is starting to look good.
* You know that bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* You can live with the fact that some days are a total waste of makeup.
* The bad news is, by now everyone has a bad back. The good news is, you’re just one more back injury away from qualifying for that handicapped parking permit.
* Now, losing a pet is like losing a child. But losing a man is like losing a pet used to be. You know you can always pick up another if you really want to go through all that training again....
* Screw Women’s Lib, you have to take a man with you for any conversations with car repairmen or the repair costs will go up 25%.
* You know if a man starts a conversation with, “I never wanted to hurt you....” , he can just stop there because you know it’s shorthand for, “I want to be with this other woman but I don’t want you to cry and make me feel guilty for being a schmuck”. But at this age, even if you cry him a river, you know how to build a bridge and get the fuck over it.
* You know the three biggest lies a woman hears in her life are: 1] I swear I’ll pull out in time; 2] The check is in the mail; 3] I’m from the government and I’m here to help you.
* You’re ready for a woman president because you know when women get stressed we shop, we don’t invade other countries.
Monday, June 06, 2005
PC = Fascism with good manners
“...and they’re all made out of ticky tacky, and they all look just the same.”
I was thinking of all the poor smokers who stand around outside the bars just to have a cigarette. They smoke outside in the cold, the rain, the heat. It’s just not right. I can’t recall who said it, but I agree, political correctness is just fascism with good manners.
I’m not a smoker. I can’t stand it. But I think it’s deplorable that smokers have become second class citizens. They have to apologize for having a lousy cigarette. They pay outrageous taxes for their little pack of smokes. I know it’s a bad habit, but who’s perfect? We all do things that are bad for our health. If I were a smoker, I’d organize other smokers and restaurant owners to repeal the law that prohibits smoking in bars and add a law for ventilation. What’s next on the PC hit list? No drinking in bars?
Now that the PC Machine has gotten away with beating up smokers, they’re coming after overweight people. All of a sudden, the whole country has to lose weight. Some people, like me, really do need to lose weight. But most people are being made to feel terrible about an extra twenty pounds, it’s ridiculous. There are other things to worry about, like Jay Leno said, “you can’t take nail clippers on an airplane, but 10,000 illegal aliens can cross the borders every day. So much for Homeland Security!”
Based on what the PC Machine did to the smokers, I predict this for the future of my kind...
Fast Food staff will not to sell anything to us but salads.
We’ll have to stand outside of Dunkin' Donuts to eat our apple fritters where everyone can see us and know that we are bad.
Doctors will save time diagnosing us by attributing all ailments to weight.
Obesity will be an allowable cause to file for divorce.
The on screen warnings in the movie theaters will be: No smoking; Remember to turn off your cell phones; No talking during the picture; No eating unless you are height /weight
proportionate.
Stores will add a hefty fat tax at the register for any sweets or snacks being purchased by a chubby.
Someday I’ll be in the car with my skinny friend Charlotte who eats so frequently, she even keeps food in her car! My luck, I’ll be the one driving when the cops are doing spot checks for carb abuse. If you’re caught illegally eating, you get put in the tank overnight. But you don’t get bread and water, you get celery and water.
“Quick, Charlotte! Peel off the label from the Krispy Kreme box and give it to me.”
“What for? Why are you sticking it on your forehead?”
“Shhhhh............ Yes officer?”
“Good evening ma’am,” the officer says as he shines a flashlight in my face. “You appear to be a carbo. Have you had any illegal carbs tonight?”
“No officer, as you can see, I’m on the patch.”
After the chubbies, I predict the PC Machine will go after the computer people. They are too sedentary and that’s not healthy! Studies will suddenly hit the media about clots in their legs from sitting, eye fatigue from Solitaire, heart stress from excessive coke/coffee intake, social devolvement from working with the same small group who get excited by a new screen saver. Anything linked to sitting in front of a computer will become a crisis. Soon they will have to work on a treadmill with their computers in front of them. They’ll have to get a physician’s note to sit more than one hour per shift. Workers who continue to sit in a comfortable chair to do their work will get the fish eye, like a smoker with a cigarette or a chubby with a donut.
After the computer people, it will be people who commute too many hours in a day. Their increased stress aggravates their medical conditions. They fatigue and cause accidents. They get road rage and kill people. They use more than their fair share of gas which drives up prices, and they produce extra pollution from their long commute. OnStar will track your movements and notify DMV if you are a commute abuser, afterall, it’s for your own good....
Laugh now, but everyone’s turn will come. Something you’re doing right now is not PC approved, and you will have to stop it or face legislation to protect you. If we tried, we could stop the PC Machine by heightening our esteem for personal freedom. It would be like...uh....like living in America!
I was thinking of all the poor smokers who stand around outside the bars just to have a cigarette. They smoke outside in the cold, the rain, the heat. It’s just not right. I can’t recall who said it, but I agree, political correctness is just fascism with good manners.
I’m not a smoker. I can’t stand it. But I think it’s deplorable that smokers have become second class citizens. They have to apologize for having a lousy cigarette. They pay outrageous taxes for their little pack of smokes. I know it’s a bad habit, but who’s perfect? We all do things that are bad for our health. If I were a smoker, I’d organize other smokers and restaurant owners to repeal the law that prohibits smoking in bars and add a law for ventilation. What’s next on the PC hit list? No drinking in bars?
Now that the PC Machine has gotten away with beating up smokers, they’re coming after overweight people. All of a sudden, the whole country has to lose weight. Some people, like me, really do need to lose weight. But most people are being made to feel terrible about an extra twenty pounds, it’s ridiculous. There are other things to worry about, like Jay Leno said, “you can’t take nail clippers on an airplane, but 10,000 illegal aliens can cross the borders every day. So much for Homeland Security!”
Based on what the PC Machine did to the smokers, I predict this for the future of my kind...
Fast Food staff will not to sell anything to us but salads.
We’ll have to stand outside of Dunkin' Donuts to eat our apple fritters where everyone can see us and know that we are bad.
Doctors will save time diagnosing us by attributing all ailments to weight.
Obesity will be an allowable cause to file for divorce.
The on screen warnings in the movie theaters will be: No smoking; Remember to turn off your cell phones; No talking during the picture; No eating unless you are height /weight
proportionate.
Stores will add a hefty fat tax at the register for any sweets or snacks being purchased by a chubby.
Someday I’ll be in the car with my skinny friend Charlotte who eats so frequently, she even keeps food in her car! My luck, I’ll be the one driving when the cops are doing spot checks for carb abuse. If you’re caught illegally eating, you get put in the tank overnight. But you don’t get bread and water, you get celery and water.
“Quick, Charlotte! Peel off the label from the Krispy Kreme box and give it to me.”
“What for? Why are you sticking it on your forehead?”
“Shhhhh............ Yes officer?”
“Good evening ma’am,” the officer says as he shines a flashlight in my face. “You appear to be a carbo. Have you had any illegal carbs tonight?”
“No officer, as you can see, I’m on the patch.”
After the chubbies, I predict the PC Machine will go after the computer people. They are too sedentary and that’s not healthy! Studies will suddenly hit the media about clots in their legs from sitting, eye fatigue from Solitaire, heart stress from excessive coke/coffee intake, social devolvement from working with the same small group who get excited by a new screen saver. Anything linked to sitting in front of a computer will become a crisis. Soon they will have to work on a treadmill with their computers in front of them. They’ll have to get a physician’s note to sit more than one hour per shift. Workers who continue to sit in a comfortable chair to do their work will get the fish eye, like a smoker with a cigarette or a chubby with a donut.
After the computer people, it will be people who commute too many hours in a day. Their increased stress aggravates their medical conditions. They fatigue and cause accidents. They get road rage and kill people. They use more than their fair share of gas which drives up prices, and they produce extra pollution from their long commute. OnStar will track your movements and notify DMV if you are a commute abuser, afterall, it’s for your own good....
Laugh now, but everyone’s turn will come. Something you’re doing right now is not PC approved, and you will have to stop it or face legislation to protect you. If we tried, we could stop the PC Machine by heightening our esteem for personal freedom. It would be like...uh....like living in America!
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