Boating; Things that don't mix with Tequila

Notes for Boats

Boating is one of the greatest pastimes in the world. I love it. You get out there, alone on the water. No TV’s, phones, you can just talk, have fun and enjoy the beauty of the day. Some people are new to boating, so I thought I’d pass on some tips for new boaters.

* When launching your boat from a boat trailer, BACK down the boat launch ramp so that the boat goes into the water first....
* The right side of the boat is the starboard side and has a green light. Left is Port and has a red light. Boats approaching from opposite directions do not have to pass each other on the left like cars do. It would be ideal, but just making sure there’s a safe distance between vessels is enough. If you can throw a beer to the passing ship, you’re too close to pass safely and swiftly, but if you slow down enough, you can exchange items via crab net; beer for cheese and crackers, suntan lotion for margarita mix, whatever seems like an even swap.
* Do not cross the ferry lanes unless you can do so quickly and completely. Ferry's are clumsy to navigate, it’s like trying to steer a giant soap dish, they have right of way and can push aside anything smaller than they are. I’ve have seen some people cut across so close to the front of the ferry that I could see what page of Dan’s they were reading. So please, don’t be the cause of a ferry accident, it will back the ferry lines up for days.
* Boat cushion fights; sometimes the mixture of sun, sea air and alcohol, can result in a boat cushion fight breaking out. They’re sort of like pillow fights, but with harder pillows and always the chance that someone could be knocked out of the boat and and attacked by a passing shark, which rarely happens in normal bedroom pillow fights, but it’s that extra little risk of coming home without a limb that adds a unique fun factor to boat cushion fights.
* When towing a water skier, occasionally look behind you to see if you are still pulling a vertical object or just a lump that is bobbing up and down in the water. If boats pass you and people appear to be signally wildly for you to look behind you, you should interpret this as a sign to check for that skier.
* Taking the children boating; like the Norman Rockwell painting of the family at Thanksgiving, this concept works in fantasy, but not reality. Taking children boating means you get to do all the things you have to do for them at home, plus add sunscreen to all exposed flesh every 30 minutes and listen to extensive whining in a confined space. I think this is why dinghies were invented. It’s a way to give kid a “time out” on the water. And if they continue to stick bait in their sister’s hair or - perish the thought - throw the beer overboard, you can always lengthen that dinghy rope, just don’t let them dip past the horizon because then the connecting rope could get in another boater’s way.
* Boating nude; another concept that works in fantasy far better than reality. When I was very young and there were absolutely no boats anywhere in sight I let my boyfriend Arnie talk me into this. The sunburn I got that day in the Hawaiian sun was the stuff of legend. He burned parts of himself that no man even wants to imagine. My advice is, stick with the fantasy, because at least you can still sit down without crying the next day, and the same goes for me too.

New and Improved tax Deductions

Tax Deductions

Now that we’ve all gotten through another tax season and have moved even further into the land of, “Does ANYONE know what the IRS is really doing? And how do they come up with all these rules?” For me, figuring out taxes is like trying to nail Jell-O to a wall. I got different results from TurboTax and TaxAct, why? Who knows? Did you know that the IRS is the only federal governmental agency that does not conduct outside audits. They audit themselves, and they always get a passing grade.

I’m putting in my wish list for new deductions now. Next year I think we should have deductions for:
* Medical injuries incurred while trying to free products made in China from some form of plastic that not even your ginsu knife will cut. As you hacksaw, tear, curse, pry with a butter knife and everything else you try you eventually cut your hand, happens every time.
* We should be able to deduct any rebate that never comes (Epson is the worst offender in my book).
* We should be able to deduct the final bill for any utility that we terminated and they failed to get us our final refund/settlement within thirty days of termination. I say, if the utilities are going to be so strict about timely payments, then how about we get timely refunds or we get to deduct the last bill? Bet that might provide some motivation.
* I don’t suppose anyone will agree with me on this, but I frequently babysit a toddler. I think I should be able to deduct the duct tape that I use to strap her to the chain link fence at the park for fifteen minutes so I can have a drink and perhaps, take a Xanex, or grind a little up for her bottle. It’s definitely a work-related expense along with any treats I have to get her from the IGA or Fedi’s.
* On very rare occasion, usually in summer, and always a tourist, will cut ahead in the ferry line. I think any front end damage to your vehicle should be tax deductible as you push them out of the line. And no charges should be filed against the ferry worker who pulls them from their cars and beats them while slowly and clearly explaining that unless you have a medical emergency, you wait in line. Not even President Clinton, had he chosen to live on Shelter Island, would be allowed to cut the line. I understand from the old-timers that when Frank Sinatra visited, he couldn’t cut the line either. Here are three universal truths to remember; The sun rises in the east and it sets in the west, and you don’t cut into a ferry line on Shelter Island.
* Someone on some talk show suggested the government tax overweight people to help pay for health care - and thin people get a deduction for being height/weight proportionate. Okay, then we tax all the alcoholics, smokers, people who aggravate us which puts us on anxiety meds, and parents of teenagers should get a free pass till those creeps are eighteen and can be legally pushed out of the nest. I agree I should buy extra airlines seats, well, in my case, I guess I’d have to buy the whole row, but please, if you tax my derriere, the weight of my asset alone will put me up two tax brackets.

These are just a few of my ideas. I have a whole year to cook up more.

Kindle vs. iPad, both KO'ed by iGal

I Glad For iPad, But I Pal of iGal

CNN reported two days ago about the crisis in the newspaper business. Simply that all media printed on paper is in severe decline owing to the fact that most people read their news online. I think the small local papers will survive where a person does not have access to the internet on a daily basis, but one by one, I think we will see the big papers stop printing on paper altogether. When the New York Times print its’ last paper, that will be the end of newspapers as we have known them. I will miss them. I am a high tech gal, but some things I still like low-tech, like my day planner book and a copy of USA Today on the dashboard.

However, we can’t stop progress. Today I have a bit of a spoiler alert. Ever sensitive to future forecasts and trends, I have long been preparing for the end of the paper paper and soon I will announce the iGal. Unlike it’s predecessors, the Amazon Kindle and the Apple iPad, the iGal will be uniquely qualified to serve women.

Check out these applications that come standard with the iGal.

The iGal can be mounted on the dashboard of your vehicle for hands free operation. The DPMS (iGal’s Don't Push Me System); like it’s cousin the GPS (Global Positioning Service) which just tells you where you are in the world - like you didn’t already know that - the DPMS tells you where you are anywhere in a fifty mile radius. It shows you where traffic is heavy or slowed and provides you with back road alternatives that are not only picturesque, but if you hit the optional FSL (Farm Stand Locator) button you will be able to pick up fresh fruits and veggies as well. The DPMS also has a PSL (Parking Space Locator) that kicks in automatically when it hears you say, “Oh shit, where am I gonna park?” Suddenly, little the screen highlights spaces you can drive to in one minute or less. There is an expensive extra app for the iGal DPMS called DETAT (Don’t Even Think About It) which projects a hologram of your can in the desired space until you drive into your own silhouette. The iGal DPMS also has a nice little app called the CopPop; little red dots just pop up on the DPMS screen showing your the location of any cop cars within a five mile radius, just in case you have a reason to want to know that...

The dashboard mounted iGal also acts as a phone of course, but with the iNod app. This records your voice saying, “okay, yup, I see what you mean, you’re right, yup, okay talk to you soon,” with spaced intervals between each word or phrase so the listener can prattle on and on while you sound fully engaged in conversation while you do something else, like... drive.

In addition to all the features of the iPad, the iGal also has the uBlab, an app that keeps you abreast of whose coming and going in rehab. For celebrities, there’s the MissTwit app which Twitters your fans where you are, but with a two hour delay before posting, so you’re actually telling them where you were two hours ago.

I love the uWho? application for those of us who tend to forget names. Just discreetly get your iGal within 15 feet of anyone and hit the uWho and a micro beam scans and reads any ID they have on them and tells you who they are, really handy. There’s the uMoron app which helps when you’re forced to share space with a moron. You just hit the secret alarm button on the iGal that flashes a loud and noisy “Emergency! Call your (family member of choice)!” allowing you a polite exit. If that fails, there’s another secret button that shoots out a spray of black printer ink, just like an octopus, and while the moron is lost in the ink cloud, you can make your escape.

The iBoss app can be put on automatic and it switches your screen to the project you should be doing whenever your boss approaches. Along with this, I’d get the ICU (I See You) which shows you on a tiny screen what is going on behind you.

For shoppers there’s the OnSale app; it gives you a running scan of what’s on sale inside of any store you stroll by. There’s a companion app called iBuy; this compares the price of the sale item against the money you have in the bank and all available credit you have left on all your cards and lets you know in a flash whether you can afford it or not. The iGal has a little secret compartment for valium so you can discreetly take one before you go in and get that dress that iBuy just sent you the message “No, don’t do it, you will regret it later when you are the best dressed homeless woman in town.”

The iBeach app gives a running update on all the beaches; parking and people congestion, surf conditions, winds, etc.. The iGal comes with a pop out cup holder that can be set to keep you drink hot or cold. It also has the iBlow app which allows the user to blow into a port on the side of the iGal and get an accurate blood alcohol reading before heading back to your car.

These are just a few of the great little apps that will be available on the iGal. Just remember your Kindle can dwindle and your iPad go mad, but with your iGal you wow!

A Bag By Any Other Name, Still Carries A Lot of Stuff

A Bag Carried By A Bag is More Than Just A Bag

Some women are nuts for shoes. As a matter of fact, that’s the one stereo type about my black friends that I refuse to surrender. Every black woman I have ever known is a shoe nut. Never go shoe shopping with a black woman unless you pack a lunch and bring a flashlight, because you are going to shop all day and and far into the night. You have to drive to every shoe store in a fifty mile radius and she puts one or two pairs of shoes on hold at each store, or she has a system of hiding the shoes she wants to find later. When I have asked my friends what outfit they are trying to match the shoes to - in an attempt to be helpful - they say, “I’m just getting the shoes, I’ll find something to match them with later.” I gave away my last high heel shoes over ten years ago because my feet found Birkenstocks and have rebelled against any other shoe ever since, so the concept of buying uncomfortable shoes to match an outfit I don’t have is like choosing a steering wheel based on it’s cute buttons and someday, I’ll get a car to go around it.

Some women are nuts for shoes, but I can’t get too angry because I’m nuts for handbags. I am a bag lady. I was in grade school when Mrs. Quigley walked into my Fourth Grade with a red leather bag with a quilted pattern. I love red. I love geometric designs. I love utilitarian things. The red quilted handbag was a trifecta of joy and I can still see it in my mind.

Mature woman have three levels of handbags. One: The “Mary Poppins” big bag (the one where she pulled out a lamp, mirror and a Buick) that carries all we need, including a book, and has a separate compartment for the “others”. The “others” are children or partners whose items you get stuck carrying. When I was married, I carried my hubby’s wallet, reading glasses, sunglasses, keys, little pocket knife and assorted business cards he picked up. For me, I carried a wallet, lipstick, packet of tissues and slim datebook. My handbag weighed eighty pounds I think. I still use the big bag on occasion , but now I have a book and my own reading and sunglasses to carry.

The next level is the medium size bag, the “Big Girl Bag” - I’m carrying my stuff, you have to grow up and carry your own stuff bag. This is a very practical bag and almost always has the four little metal feet on the bottom because we are done with the sloppy hobo bags that flop over everywhere and things roll out. In this bag we have a wallet, glasses, keys, lipstick and that’s it. We aren’t carrying anyone else’s stuff. We’ve schlepped other peoples’ stuff for years and we are sick of it!!! When you see a man with a belly bag, he has a wife with a medium bag with four little metal feet....

Last, is the “Bagette” the mini-mini bag. I love mine. It has my driver’s license, debit card, ferry tickets, money, one lipstick, and a small zipper packet that I can use for change or earrings. I leave it packed just like that all the time and can drop it into a Big Girl or Mary Poppins bag anytime I need to. Oh, and did I mention, it’s leather, red, and has a quilted pattern? I think big things make us happy, but it’s the little things that give us joy.

P.S. The fantastic bag above is by Hermes.