First let me say, my hat is off to the 100,000+ people in Queens who have survived without electricity through this last heat wave for more than six days now, without any sign of mass murder. How easy and tempting it would be to get rid of an annoying person with the full knowledge that you’d probably get off.
“Look, Your Honor, it was 98 degrees, 98% humidity, I was eight months pregnant, they opened the hydrants and he didn’t wanna take the kids outside to cool off and have to watch them. He wanted me to go down four flights, cause the elevator was out, and run after kids. I didn’t even know I could throw a TV, Your Honor...”
Last week I reported that there was an osprey on Ram Island Drive that was always on the pole next to the one with his nest and mate on it and I was worried about him. Well, I’m happy to report I saw both of them in the nest recently. I guess they worked it out. Maybe she got through her PES (pre egg syndrome), maybe they got some counseling, I don’t know, but it’s nice to see a couple trying to work things out. Some couples just belong together. I mean, she could try it with a crow, but they migrate and those mixed marriages between summer and permanent residents just never work.
Keeping track of specific osprey couples is an Islander thing. If you do it, you can come across as a real local, too. Here are a few other suggestions to promote your “I am a cool local” image.
Never admit you have a Shelter Island map in the car. No matter what, you just gave your last one to a tourist, because if you live here, you can’t ever need a map, that’s the law. If you have to ask directions from a longtime local, always pretend to know the reference points they cite.
“...and then you turn left, where the old graveyard used to be, you know where that is, right?”
“Oh sure....”
“You know, they see a ghost with a long flowing dress there sometimes...”
“Oh ... ah, you mean the one with the white dress or blue dress?”
“I didn’t know there was one with a blue dress...”
“Oh ... she covers Tuesdays and Wednesdays, when the white dress ghost has off.”
“I’ve lived here all my life and never heard about the one with the blue dress...who told you that?”
“I think it was a Gibbs.”
“A Gibbs told you that? Well, my family’s been here longer than them. They’re newcomers compared to us.”
Always pretend you know people in the old families. If you’re not sure who they are, the Shelter Island map will show you. Bona fide “Olde Families” have roads named after them. Cartwright Road, Congdon Lane, Clark Lane, etc. al. The Clarks, the Congdons, the Gibbs, the Kilbs, the Klenawicus’ (the Klenawicus’s have the airport), and the other old families are all intermarried. Their family trees resemble a box of tangled Christmas lights. But they have a code that I’ve figured out. Everybody is a ‘cousin’ to everybody else. ‘Cousin’ is used as a generic link. Any family member who is out of favor is referred to as “once removed.” “Twice removed” means there’s a restraining order. “Thrice removed” means they have actually, perish the thought... moved OFF-ISLAND!
All ‘off-island’ family members must be referred to in terms of when they move ‘back on-island’.
“Well, she’s married to a nice fella in California, about seventeen years now. They have four kids. When she moves back on-island, I’ll give her that China set from her Grandmother.”
Cool locals often refer to ‘back on-island’ syndrome, “Islanditis,” I call it. It’s an infection you get that can only be cured when your car is on the ferry heading ‘island side’. Wherever I have lived in world, I kept coming back to visit family and ’the island’. I always knew someday I’d be ‘back on-island’ for good. I know many people like me here. Couldn’t wait to get “off the rock” as a teenager, couldn’t wait to “get back on-island” as a weary adult. My daughter couldn’t wait to get off the rock, either. She’s off on her journey now. It’s just a matter of years. When she moves back on-island, I’ve give her that painting she loves...
