The Trifecta of Pain
Three of my four brothers work in construction and like all construction guys, they minimize any injury and ailment to the point of the ridiculous. If a construction guy saws off his leg, he’ll throw it in the cooler, duct tape the stump, and keep working, that’s the expectation. I see it all over the Island, all the time. I don’t know if any of the workmen on Shelter Island know that duct taping a wad of insulation over a gash isn’t sanitary. They all have fractured fingers now and then and they all splint the broken finger by duct taping it to the next strongest finger. They don’t even go to the doctor for an xray anymore.
“Hey, Donnie, sawed off your leg?”
“Yeah. No biggie. I’ll swing by the doc’s after work. But I still got my knee, so I can finish the flooring before I leave.”
You can imagine my shock when one of my macho brothers started missing work because of crippling migraines. I knew they were crippling because nothing less would keep him from going to work. I suggested going to the doctor several times. But construction guys only see the doc for traumatic amputations and possibly if they missed with the nail gun and now cannot remove their hat or other articles of clothing. Pain is not discussed because they are impervious to pain. Pain is only felt by the weak. Pain is in the non-construction world. No mere headache pain could possibly be enough reason to see a physician!
Finally, after battling these migraines for about five months, he gave in and went to the doctor. Turns out, our systems change with age and for some people, certain foods and combinations thereof, trigger migraines. Who knew?
“So, how did it go at the doctor’s?” I asked.
He listed the top ten foods most likely to trigger a migraine and said, “I told the doc, of the top ten Avoid foods, I ate seven of them this weekend. And the doc just said, “Well, there’s your headache.” “.
I looked at the list and sure enough, everything he loves is on the list.
As the oldest and wisest sibling in my family, I should be mature and always lead by example. Kind words should waft from my lips like gently falling autumn leaves.
“What a moron! I can’t believe you ate all the foods that make a migraine! Especially the cheese, liverwurst, chocolate, you ate the trifecta of pain!”
“Thank you for the support.”
“Look at all the foods on this list! Coffee cake, sourdough bread, corned beef, beer, bacon, pickles.... you could open a restaurant with all this. We could call it, Migraine Cafe, or how about Chez Migraine?”
“Not funny.”
“Good evening, Mr. Flynn. I’ll be your server tonight. Would you like to start with something to give you light sensitivity and mild nausea? We have some excellent specials this evening for three day pounders. We also have a dieter’s plate for just a half day headache.”
“You’re sadistic. If I wasn’t so mellowed from the pain shot, I’d get up and beat you.”
“And we have the Crippler’s Platter, our special; featuring bacon, sausage, hot dogs, smoked and aged cheeses, all kinds of nuts and super rich chocolates. Our chef developed this dish himself and says it will give you a migraine to remember and you won’t be able to go out in the sun for six months.”
“Why are you doing this to me?” he asked.
“Remember that time you blew pollen in my face on purpose and I had a terrible asthma attack? And you and laughed because I couldn’t even talk?”
“No.”
“How could not remember? You tried to kill me.”
“We were always trying to kill you. That was out job. We were the creepy little brothers.”
“Ah-hah! Not so funny now, eh, Mr. “Give Me Vicodan, or Give Me Death!” Not so funny to be in distress and have your siblings make it worse.“
“I was seven when I did that to you.”
“No excuse.”
“That was forty years ago!”
“Forty, schmorty! I’m ripping the blinds off your windows and taking my revenge!”
“Is this what you women call an ‘issue’? Can’t you dump this on some talk show somewhere and leave me alone? Can’t you see I’m in pain?”
“Ohhhhh, please, I’m just gettin' warmed up....”
