No Moon for the Misbegotten
I’m so happy I could burst. Thanks to Senator Craig, I now know that there is free, anonymous sex available in bathrooms through the land! You just have to memorize the signals in the right progressive order. I am all over this...
“Sally, what are you doing in here? This is the Men’s Room.”
“Hey, Joe, I’m here for the anonymous sex. I know the signals, I’m tapping my foot, see?”
“This is Shelter Island, Sally, we all know you. You can’t have anonymous sex here. As a matter of fact, it’s going to be all over the Island that you were in the Men’s Room.”
“But I already cleaned out and decorated a nice stall, look.”
“Okay, it’s nice that you painted the inside of the stall to cover the graffiti, but the pink isn’t going to work.”
“And the toilet seat, see, new.”
“A lucite toilet seat with sea shells in it, very nice. But really, I think you’re missing the point. You don’t want anonymous sex with some stranger.”
“Of course not. I thought, if I could just get a man in here, I could throw the latch and maybe we could talk a little, I have some wine chilling in the bowl in a big ziplock bag, you know, just to keep it sanitary. Then, if things go well, I could fix a little dinner by the sink. We could sit by the window over looking the parking lot and watch who leaves with whom.”
“Very thoughtful. But the bathroom sex thing, it’s gay sex.”
“Well sure, almost any kind of sex makes you happy!”
“No, the other gay.”
“Can’t homosexual people use the word homosexual? I want gay to mean gay again, I get confused otherwise.”
“Well, you’re the only one. Now what’s this out here by the window?”
“I told you, I could make a little dinner. I set up these folding chair and this little table. Nice fabric tablecloth, matching napkins. Simple, but nice. And look, I covered all the urinals with the same fabric, looks like a row of canopies. Gives the place a little cafe atmosphere, don’t you think?”
“Yes, but what if a man comes in and wants to use the urinal?”
“Oh, he can pee outside, you all do anyway.”
“That’s true. But I just think all this effort is not going to have the effect you want.”
“Oh yeah? Just watch, first, I get in my stall.”
“Sally, what’s this note on the outside of the door that reads, “Please look inside, are any of the $100 bills yours?”
“It’s bait.”
“It’s entrapment.”
“No it’s not, not unless I use the handcuffs and chain them to me.”
“So, it’s true then, it’s that bad out there for middle aged women?”
“Finding a available, straight, breathing man now? Like a finding a honest politician. But I have run across one possibility on Island. He’s handsome, pretty beat up, but still looks good in his wheelchair.”
“And that’s a catch?”
“Oh sure, it’s a great advantage to have a man in a wheelchair. If you hide his chair, he has to sit and listen to you plus, and at this age, and this is the biggie, he has a handicap parking sticker.”
“I understand. At my age, I’m happy if she looks good, but home cooking is a turn on. Plus conversation.”
“Ah yes, amazing isn’t it, it takes us all this long to realize what a treasure intelligent conversation is.”
“Well, there you go, Sal, you can offer intelligent conversation.”
“No, I’m too dense for that. I get them with linguini and lasagna.”
“But not in a bathroom.”
“Oh, all right... not in a bathroom. I guest I’ll pack up and leave.”
“I’ll help you carry this stuff out.”
The next day in the grocery store;
“And I saw Sally and Joe coming out of the Men’s Room together. I just think a hotel room would have been more romantic, that’s all I’m saying.”
“Yeah, but you know her. She’s always been a little odd.”
“No, nuts. She’s always been nuts. But Joe? Geez, I thought he had taste...”
