Shark Week

Shark Week is on the Discovery Channel. It's been on for two weeks now and I think they're just going to turn it into Shark Month. Many other channels have followed suit and are running their own versions of Shark Week: "How To Know If A Shark Is About To Strike Week;" "Colors That Attract Sharks;" "How To Know That A Shark Is Really Dead Without Sticking Your Hand In It's Mouth To Check For Reflexive Bite Week;" "Foods That Make You Smell Like Sautéed Seal To Sharks."

The "sharks are our friends" experts are running shark specials like: "Sharks: The Misunderstood Killing Machines;" "Sharks Only Bite Humans Because They Think We're Seals;" "The Innocent Shark; They Won't Even Eat You While Dressed in Chain Mail and Smeared With Fish Guts."

The "sharks are our misunderstood friends" experts swim among chum, swirling with sharks, and the sharks ignore them. They insist on catching sharks and shoving a chain mailed arm in their mouths to prove that they are "actually shy" creatures. They act mystified as to how these innocent fish can be so villianized-surely it's something the humans are doing to provoke them, like being in the water.

On the other hand, there's the "Sharks innocent? Are you outta your mind?" group, of which I am one. There are countless eyewitness reports from half eaten people reporting sharks as the aggressors. The story of the USS Indianapolis alone should end the debate. Most recently, is the excellent book, Albatross, that tells the story of how a family of sharks swirled under and around a group's life raft, waiting for any opportunity to pounce. One member, who had gone crazy from drinking sea water, hung his legs over the side and was immediately pulled in and eaten inches from the raft. Somehow, I don't think wearing chain mail would have saved him. I don't think those were the shy sharks. They must have lost their boat among the "We don't care who you are, we're eating you" sharks.

I have two theories as to why the sharks don't eat the experts, but they eat anyone else in the water. Theory One: Since the experts are swimming under the water with the sharks, the fish may regard them as other fish and simply view them as competition for the food that's in the water. But what about all the attacks on divers? Well, that does present a problem, but I handle it like the real experts and simply ignore it because it runs akimbo to my theory. Theory Two: Sharks really are smarter than we know. We all know they can smell blood and sense vibrations in the next hemisphere. I say they send little shark messages in those vibrations, like; "If you get this message and are anywhere on the Atlantic Eastern Seaboard, there's a new leaky raft with six dinners near Montauk." Or, "Boat wreck off Kittery, three warm dinners, seven cold ones." Or, "Two hot lunches, already sautéed in white wine off of Shelter Island."

Of the two theories, I think Number Two is correct. If they can't get to the food, they courteously tell the other sharks where the groceries are. I was sharing this theory with a friend who said, "But there's no sharks around Shelter Island," All of the record breaking Great White Sharks have been caught just off our neighbor, Montauk, and the Island is surrounded by a channel that is 98 feet deep. Nah, no sharks in these waters. Besides, who wants to wear a chain mail suit over a bikini-it could really chafe.