Shopping for Rotten Little Kids

Naughty or Nice?

It’s that time of year when we all ask our loved ones, “What do you want for Christmas?” Kids under the age of 12 hand you a detailed list of at least 20 items, plus the stores that sell the items, and give you Map Quest printed directions if you need them. Teenagers only want one thing, but it has to be the most expensive advanced tech thing available and you must sell one of their younger siblings to get it. Adults want a lot of things, mostly practical, but hesitate to say what they want because of the pervasive assumption we all have, that if we can’t afford to get it for ourselves, you can’t afford to get it for us either.

Adults are the ones with the money, so - brace yourself for a radical concept - we can control how much we spend on gifts and for whom. We constantly buy into advertising and get our kids things we’re certain they’ll love, only to watch them make a fort out of the big box it came in, leaving the gift for another day. During a particularly poor Christmas for me, I made my kids a train from series of five progressively smaller boxes. I painted the sides to look like train cars and they absolutely loved it. They rode in the first two cars and their stuffed animal friends rode in the smaller boxes with a beanie baby in the caboose. I gave my daughter a box of ‘dress up’ things that year. She had hats, high heels, boas, and the works. Combined with the train, I think she was the first drag queen railroad conductor. Don’t read this and think, ‘Wow, what a great Mom,’. I wasn’t great at all. I was poor and creative, but it was a really fun Christmas.

Then one year, like watching a snowball getting larger, it hit me. Why are we spending so much hard earned cash on these rotten little kids that drive us nuts all year? If they can be satisfied with a cardboard train, let them have it. This way you can save money for something you actually need, like a new mattress or dresser. Now, I know what you’re thinking, you can’t save enough money just from kids toys savings to get an expensive item like a new dresser. That’s true. That’s why you also shouldn’t buy expensive things for arrogant and unappreciative teenagers.

Teens are smart and they know you have money, so you have to be really clever with them. Nothing will deter them from their goal UNLESS they think the desired item is now ‘uncool’ or a better version is coming out very soon. So look right into their eyes and lie to them, remember turnabout is fair play, tell them the newer version is coming out January 10th. Then ask if they’d rather wait for the newer version (more cool points). They will certainly answer yes. After the holiday, you can say, “Aw gee, guess I was wrong, do you still want the iphone with the golden cover?” When they answer yes, you can get it at a discount in the after Christmas sales thereby saving a lot of money - enough for the one thing that you, as the only hard working and truly deserving person in the house, deserve.

So, make what toys you can for the little ones, finesse the older ones and you can finally get four matching chairs for the dining room. It may sound cold hearted, but come June, when you’d enjoying your matching chairs, or new recliner, you’ll thank me. The alternative is to find yourself in June, sitting on an unmatched chair at the dining room table, looking at the Mastercard bill you’re still paying from Christmas 2007, and asking yourself, “What the hell did I buy?”