Dachshunds, Worlds Most Annoying Dog...

My mother, who has three cats, decided she didn't have enough to do, so she adopted two young Dachshunds. They bark at everyone and anything that moves. They scare easily and pee when ever they get scared, which is often. I know that many people are dedicated to this breed, but I don't know why. They just pee and bark. They're cute, but so is a daffodil...

My mother says they're angels when no one is around and it's just the three of them. But this is the same woman who told me that fairies would pay money for my teeth, so her credibility is questionable.

But in fairness, there's nothing wrong with these two noisy little pee bags that couldn't be fixed by a taxidermist. I think they'd make wonderful bookends.

Here's my list of uses for a dachshund, stuffed or live, I don't really care:

Neck roll: If you have them stuffed with a nice latex foam, they'd make a great neck roll for lying on the couch.

Doorstop: How cute would this be? A dachshund, with that goofy little smile, filled with about five pounds of buckshot would hold open just about any sized door.

Coat collar: I know the fox collars of the 40s and 50s are out of style, but that's because foxes live in the wild and are hard to catch. Dachshunds live in people's houses and are relatively easy to catch with just a few doggie treats and a net. Dachshund collars could make an adorable fashion statement and I bet little kids would love to pet the doggie wrapped around Mommy's neck.

Tire Stop. Both ferries use chock blocks to push under your tires to limit movement on the ferry. A sand filled dachshund would make a perfect tire stop. Plus it's long enough that you could have "Welcome to Shelter Island" shaved into its fur.

Fair Event: They have Taber Tosses at some fairs, why not a Hound Hurl? Big men could swing dachshunds overhead by their tails and hurl them in a distance contest. For an extra challenge, live dachshunds could be used because they'd run as soon as they hit the ground and add the dimension of chase to the contest!

Fireman's Wiener Dog Roast: Firemen have barbecues, how great to add a wiener dog roast? I estimate the average roasted dachshund could feed a family of six. And why not? This is the Year of the Dog and dog is a favorite meal in Communist China. We're importing everything else Chinese, why not a few more cultural recipes?

Water Toys: An air-filled dachshund, with sand in its feet for ballast will float in a standing position and look just adorable in your pool. Cup holders can be strapped to the back for drinks.

Moorings: I can't really recommend dachshunds for mooring. They're too squishy and wouldn't even last half a season.

Lawn Decor: Here's something dachshunds were born for! Imagine purchasing several stuffed doxxies from the garden shop and placing them all around your lawn. You can position them chasing a ball, jumping in the air, put one in a tree looking down and forlorn. You could change their positions every week and give the neighbors a treat every time they drive by.

Slippers: I had a pair of slippers once that were stuffed parrots. Why not dachshund slippers? Cute, warm... and silent! You can put them on the bed if you feel like you need four beady eyes staring at you in the morning. If you miss the sound of them, just go to annoyingdogbarks.com and download their sharp, nerve grating barks. If you play them at a slower speed, they sound like St. Bernards, speed it up and they sound like Chihuahua's.

Races: Dachshund races would be fun to watch. They look stupid when they run and they're so easily distracted, they'd never stay in their lanes... the races would quickly disintegrate into a dachshund donnybrook funny enough to rival Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl.

Speed Bumps: Everyone struggles to slow down people on their streets or even in their driveways. What better way than to install cement filled dachshunds? Everybody will brake, thinking they are about to hit some sweetie pie wiener dog. Only it will turn out to be the wiener dog from hell as it takes out their oil pan!

But... all kidding aside... I really do find these dogs annoying.