How To Elect-trocute An Official

“Let’s give them something to talk about....”

According to last week’s Shelter Island Reporter, the Republican primary for Island Supervisor will be decided by 50 absentee island votes, of which 20 have been challenged. So the three candidates, Al Kilb, Jr., Art Williams and Hap Bowditch, sit and wait...

But does this election really have to be decided by absentee votes? There are other ways to decide these things, for instance...

How about a swimsuit competition? The Lion’s Club could sell tickets and donate the proceeds to charity. It would certainly be a memorable event! The photographs of the guys in Speedos could be used to blackmail them for years...

How about taking a page from “Fear Factor” and see who can eat disgusting things the fastest? Peanut butter and fish sandwiches downed with a clam broth and chocolate milk cocktail, but with a twist of lemon so as not to be too cruel...

How about a tolerance test? The Town Supervisor has to be able to tolerate a lot of anger without using napalm as a response. How about having the candidates sit at the school playground, surrounded by Moms, while wearing a sign that says, “I think you are a lousy mother!” Hell hath no wrath as a mother criticized...

What about a Dr. Phil competition? Have all the candidates sit in chair while holding handguns and listening to endless inane whining. The candidate who doesn’t shoot himself or the designated whiner, wins!

An Oprah test could be interesting. The three candidates would sit on her couch and listen to supermodels complain about their hard lives. How hard it is to keep their hair nice on a beach shoot, how no one understands the burden of beauty and how people prejudge them because of their incomparable faces and bodies. The first candidate to tie one of the supermoaners into a pretzel and jam her face into the backfold of the couch wins!

We could always do a Jerry Springer competition. The candidates, with ALL their collective relatives on the island in the audience, could debate absolutely any issue. It could be “Is a Gnat the same as a No See Em?” Within ten minutes it will be a donnybrook with full audience participation, chairs flying and everyone taking pictures with their cell phones for the lawsuits later.

How about a wheelbarrow race like they do in Ireland? Each candidate gets a partner and a wheelbarrow. Starting at Sweet Tomatoes, the candidate drinks a beer and the partner pushes him in the wheelbarrow to The Old Salty Dog, where they switch, and now the partner downs a pint and pushes the candidate in the wheelbarrow to the next bar, etc., until they reach the last bar or until they are the last one standing, whichever comes first. Some may say that a drinking tolerance test isn’t the best way to select a supervisor, but I say it is, because if the candidate isn’t a drinking man when he starts his term, he probably will be by the end, so we might as well see who can handle it now.

“A Queer Eye For the Straight Guy” test? The three candidates could be locked in a room with the Queer Eye boys, and ....nope...that will never work. The winner wouldn’t even be in office before he was up on charges for assault.

I’d enjoy a Mapquest test. Give each candidate a blank map of the island and see who can draw in the most roads from memory. Then, who can list who lives on each road, who they are related to, and what kind of car do they drive? Extra points if they know what kind of dog they own and mega bonus points if they know the dog’s name.

The Shelter Island Phone Book test would be excellent. Each candidate puts a dot next to the name of everyone he knows. The dots can be connected to form a network and the best connected person wins! Why? Because the island is all about connections. The term ‘dial-up connection’ doesn’t refer to the Internet here. It means you called in a favor.

“Desperate Housewives” Test: This is an excellent way to choose a Supervisor. Each candidate lists how many island secrets he knows and how many bodies he can locate, and the one with the longest list wins.

But then of course, the whole town will know who knows too much...

Self Help...Shoot Me Now...

They Call Me Mellow Yellow...

Shelter Island is home to many authors. Betty Crowson, a famous life coach from the island, recently published a terrific book called, “The Joy is in the Journey, A Woman’s Guide Through Crisis and Change”. It takes you through her “Eight Practical Solutions of; Self-Acceptance, Balance, Embracing Spirituality, Letting Go, Healing, Paying Attention, Taking Action, and Living Consciously”. “The Joy is in the Journey” is available through book stores or you can visit www.thejoyisinthejourney.com.

I read it and I have some additional insights that may help women through times of change as well...

Self Acceptance: This is very important. I accept the fact that my life is a train wreck. If you need me, I’ll be laying across the tracks in Greenport.

Balance: Critical to your well being is balance. I have achieved this by evenly stacking all my bills onto the four corners of the dining room table. I added a pile of rice in the center of the table for that feng shui effect. Additionally, for more emotional balance, I am limiting phone calls from relatives to fifteen minutes a call. That way I worry about everyone evenly. Some get a little more of my worry than others, but with my new system, I am definitely feeling more emotional balance. They say Knowledge is Power, but I say knowledge is anxiety producing, better you should live by the axiom Ignorance is Bliss....

Embracing Spirituality: I hug any pastors, priests, rabbi’s, nun’s, monk’s that I find. They all seem to be very nice people and say nice things to me. So I can clearly recommend embracing spirituality.

Letting Go: This is the hardest step for me. It’s not so much that I’m a controlling person, it’s just that I like to be in charge of everything. I can armchair quarterback just about anyone else’s life. And it’s certainly more fun than taking the time to effect positive change in your own. Breaking habits is time consuming and disruptive to your Zen state of mind. Unless your habits are life threatening, like making grenades at home for fun and profit, just let your habits go...

Healing: I keep an excellent first aid kit in my house for physical healings. I have chocolate and macaroni and cheese on standby at all times for emotional healings. I have an encyclopedia of adages and advice in my head at all times for intellectual healings. The most important thing to be able to distinguish when you are the shaman in your own home, is to know who needs to heal versus who is a heel.

Paying Attention: This I do all the time. I pay attention to my roots so I know when to color. I pay attention to my mascara so I buy a new one before the old one gets dry. I pay attention to the person who signals where I should go on the ferry so that I don’t look like an idiot for getting in the wrong lane because I forget the signal in the six feet I drove since I got it. I pay attention to how many eggs are left whenever the carton comes out of the fridge. I pay attention to a thousand things a day, who doesn’t?

Taking Action: As soon as I get everything I’m paying attention to, balanced and under control, I plan to let go and take action about something or other I want to change. I’ll work out the details later...

Living Consciously: This part of Betty’s book really spoke to me because it’s the hardest thing to do as a parent. I try to live unconsciously because reality is not only a bummer, it’s a nuisance. Living consciously requires that I deal with my eighteen year old daughter and her inane life choices. If I live unconsciously, I can believe that she is attending school in Europe, learning and having fun. If I live consciously, I must face that fact that although intelligent, she is so emotionally dense that light bends around her. I think I’ll just remain unconscious till she gets back from Europe in four years.

Thanx for a great book, Betty! The joy really is in the journey, or as we flower children used to say, life is a trip...