Pregnant again?????
You really have to stop drinking... I recall the very first time I told my ex I was pregnant. He was thrilled. Then I told him I was pretty sure he was the father and he was even happier! (Hey, I'm a busy woman, okay?)
Holy Moly! Well, you just jumped off the career track for the next ten years. Welcome to Mommyland...here are the guidelines:
1. Husband has to sleep in the barn until the vasectomy heals.
2. If he insists you have a natural, drug free childbirth, agree. But only on the condition that he has a natural, drug free vascetomy...
3. The last book you read, is the last book you will read for years to come.
4. You will notice stollers and pregnant women everywhere.
5. With 2 babies in diapers, you will not know who you are, where you are, or what day it is till 2020. You will not remember when you last changed your underwear or when you last brushed your teeth.
6. Your life, as an educated, coherent, intelligent adult with something to contribute to the world is over. You will develop that secret lobe of the female brain, the Mommy lobe. You will know all the words to Wee Sing videos and all the songs to every Disney movie. Your exercise will be limited to fetching items for the kids, running to save things from being thrown in the toilet and speed packing diaper bags.
7. Pick a Soap Opera. Your days will be so repetitious that you will rely on a soap opera to help you keep track of what day it is, provide adult conversation sounds in the background so you don't lose your ability to converse and to remind you that sometime in the future, you will be able to wear clean clothes again, just like they do on TV.
8. Remember that most parenting books were written by men, who were never in the trenches! I refuse to listen to their advice because they have never experienced the unrelenting aggravation and fatigue that Mom's live with.
Truth be told, if those kids are alive when your hubby walks through the door at 5PM, you have done your job!
I was on my hands and knees at 6AM one morning fishing a Happy Meals toy out of the toilet when my daughter squeezed a big puff of baby powder in my face causing me to sneeze so hard I shot out my tampon and released a full bladder. Unless you have lived in the trenches of motherhood, don't think for one minute you can do this job better than me....
Parenting books make good wedges to level tippy table, good coffee coasters or kitchen trivits. If you want to use a parenting book for parenting purposes, attach it to a ruler first to create a nice flat paddle.
9. Welcome to fast food. You will have every fast food menu and prices memorized in no time.
10. Get ready to hear, "Oh, you're not working, you're just home with kids." over and over. Ask that person to babysit for you someday. Stay away from the house until they offer you enough money to come back.
11. But seriously.....my advice
Buy the Dr Spock baby book; a good warm humidifier/mister; stock up on nice second hand kideos, books, toys; stock up on pediatric tylenol, cold formulas, and vick vapor rub; buy a crockpot, a large lasagna pan, a compact food processor and LEAVE IT ON THE COUNTER, and lots of gallon size ziplock bags.
You will refer to the Dr Spock book a hundred times and it will save lots of worry. A crup cough comes suddenly and usually at night. Have a humidifier ready. Vicks vapor rub opens stuffy noses and tight chests quick and easy. Have tylenol ready for an earache.
Learn crockpot and casserole cooking. When you cook, make lots, always freeze some in gallon size ziplock bags and you'll always have something you can pull out of the freezer for dinner.
The food processor can turn leftovers into baby food, which can also be frozen....You don't need to pay 1.29 for a jar of creamed corn... you can puree it yourself in the processor for half price. Once you get in the habit of using a food processor, you will cut your food prep time and food costs in half.
Ziplock bags hold sets of toys, pack easily in a diaper bag.
To sterilize little toys that have been in little mouths, I used to put them in a ziplock with a 1/2 cup of bleach, fill with water, let sit a few minutes, drain, rinse off toys. Ziplock hold snacks, books & toys, 1 travel size powder and one clean diaper, or 2 dirty diapers.
Put stuffed animals in ziplocks, freeze for 24 hours to kill imbedded dust mites. (Do I know this mom stuff or what?)
Here is my famous, NO NEED TO PRECOOK the noodles lasagna recipe: Men love this.
Sally's Lasagna Time: 20 minutes prep to oven
1 box lasagna noodles
1 large tub ricotta
1 lb mozarella solid ball is far cheaper
4 oz parmesan cheese, solid block is far cheaper
4 oz romano cheesse, solid block to save $
1 lb fresh spinach (must be fresh)
1 lb whole mushrooms (must be fresh)
1 lb Italian sausage (optional)
1 large jar your favorite spagetti sauce
garlic powder
Use your food processor to slice mushrooms, set aside. Use processor to grate all dry cheeses together. (You will be amazed that this takes only seconds). Mix dry cheeses with ricotta in large bowl. Rinse spinach, cut off stems with scissors (because scissors are faster that a knife). Cut up and fry sausage. You're all done with prep.
Grease pan, put in thin layer of water, just enough to cover the bottom.
Arranges in layers:
1. Dry noodles down first
2. spinach and mushrooms using half your quantity
3, generous sprinkle garlic powder, some sausage pieces
4. cheese mixture, by the spoonful, using half your quantity
5. Pour sauce over all, using half your jar.
Repeat 1 thru 5.
Bake at 350 degrees UNCOVERED, one hour.
Let stand 1/2 hour after it comes out of oven.
The juices from the veggies get absorbed by the noodles. Letting it stand 1/2 hour after you pull it from the oven, lets the juices 'set' inside the noodles and you will never have hard chewwy lasagna noodles.
This is all the good advice I can give you. Find a friend to come and visit you when you have forgotten all words longer than two syllables. A true friend, so that you don't have to clean the house or find a clean shirt, just rake a path and clean a spot on the table.
your pal, Sal
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Monday, September 18, 2006
Football Season & Homicide
Football Season and the Art of Home Management
Football season has officially begun. Thousands of men across the country have stood in front of their significant others and said, “Football season has begun. Before we get near the Playoffs, is there anything you want moved, discussed or painted? Speak now, or shut up till after the Superbowl.”
Women lament being football widows, yet, it can work to our great advantage if we simply abandon being sensitive and caring. Those emotions just hold us back anyway.
Things to do while he watches the game.
1. Get a new hairdo. Anything you want. He’s not going to notice till mid January 07.
2. Redo the bedroom. New carpet, new bedroom set. He’s sleeping in his lazyboy on the weekends and too tired to notice anything new during the week. By the time he notices the new furniture, it will have some wear on it and you can fall back on our old reliable line, “That’s not new. We’ve always had this. I just moved it / cleaned it / painted it / rearranged it.”
3. I don’t endorse having extramarital affairs, but if you must, do it during football season and end it during the playoffs. It will give him a feeling of relief to hear you say, “Okay, if you’re going to watch the game, I’m going to blah, blah, and blah.” And you can actually say “blah, blah and blah” because after they hear “Okay, if you’re going to watch the game..” the rest is a blur to them. They’re just relieved that you won’t be in the house prattling in the background while the game is on.
4. Experiment with new recipes the YOU like! He’s fine living on nachos and beer for the next four months. Buy that bright red Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer! He won’t see it. He’s just going to and from the fridge.
5. You can redecorate any room and in Spring, when he notices the changes, he won’t say anything because he’s not sure exactly what has changed and if he asks you, “What’s different?” he knows he’ll hear, “I put those curtains up six months ago, and you’re just seeing them now? You never notice anything I do to make this house look nice! I don’t know why I even try, blah, blah, blah....” . Then he feels like a fool. Not because he didn’t notice your improvements, but because he knows better than to open his mouth and admit it.
6. Try to plan your pregnancies so that you’re not due during football season. It’s so hard to drive yourself to the hospital while you’re in labor. It’s so embarrassing when no one visits but your Mom and girlfriends. And then, after the Superbowl, you always have to explain to him where this new baby came from. I have a friend whose was in labor/giving birth DURING the Superbowl. Her husband and father rotated between the delivery room and the visitor’s lounge, updating each other constantly on the respective events which they regarded as equally important.
7. Women who aren’t used to being football widows consistently made a critical mistake that jeopardizes their lives. Never, under any circumstances, ever, not even to announce a tornado about to hit the house, stand in front of the TV during a game and say, “We need to talk...”. He’ll be instantly enraged and not hear anything you say. He’ll agree to anything to get you to move. However, the agreement won’t stick because it was made under duress. Standing in front of the TV during a game is the worst thing you can do in a relationship. The female equivalent would be your husband getting drunk in front of your family at Thanksgiving Dinner and exposing himself to your mother, it’s that bad...
9. I always used football season to covertly change his wardrobe. New socks would creep in and old favorites would disappear. I’d buy my hubby underwear in the correct size. Men think they can wear size 36 for as long as they can stretch the waistband to fit them. Their theory is, they aren’t overweight if they can wear size 36 underwear. One season, my hubby went from size 36 to size 40 underwear... Threadbare flannel shirts evaporated and his flower power jeans from 1968 too. The trick is, not to clean the closet. Just pull out the old stuff and jam in the new things. That way, the new stuff absorbs the old smells and makes the transition easier.
So just remember, football season equals abandonment to a woman in love and control to woman in her right mind.
Football season has officially begun. Thousands of men across the country have stood in front of their significant others and said, “Football season has begun. Before we get near the Playoffs, is there anything you want moved, discussed or painted? Speak now, or shut up till after the Superbowl.”
Women lament being football widows, yet, it can work to our great advantage if we simply abandon being sensitive and caring. Those emotions just hold us back anyway.
Things to do while he watches the game.
1. Get a new hairdo. Anything you want. He’s not going to notice till mid January 07.
2. Redo the bedroom. New carpet, new bedroom set. He’s sleeping in his lazyboy on the weekends and too tired to notice anything new during the week. By the time he notices the new furniture, it will have some wear on it and you can fall back on our old reliable line, “That’s not new. We’ve always had this. I just moved it / cleaned it / painted it / rearranged it.”
3. I don’t endorse having extramarital affairs, but if you must, do it during football season and end it during the playoffs. It will give him a feeling of relief to hear you say, “Okay, if you’re going to watch the game, I’m going to blah, blah, and blah.” And you can actually say “blah, blah and blah” because after they hear “Okay, if you’re going to watch the game..” the rest is a blur to them. They’re just relieved that you won’t be in the house prattling in the background while the game is on.
4. Experiment with new recipes the YOU like! He’s fine living on nachos and beer for the next four months. Buy that bright red Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer! He won’t see it. He’s just going to and from the fridge.
5. You can redecorate any room and in Spring, when he notices the changes, he won’t say anything because he’s not sure exactly what has changed and if he asks you, “What’s different?” he knows he’ll hear, “I put those curtains up six months ago, and you’re just seeing them now? You never notice anything I do to make this house look nice! I don’t know why I even try, blah, blah, blah....” . Then he feels like a fool. Not because he didn’t notice your improvements, but because he knows better than to open his mouth and admit it.
6. Try to plan your pregnancies so that you’re not due during football season. It’s so hard to drive yourself to the hospital while you’re in labor. It’s so embarrassing when no one visits but your Mom and girlfriends. And then, after the Superbowl, you always have to explain to him where this new baby came from. I have a friend whose was in labor/giving birth DURING the Superbowl. Her husband and father rotated between the delivery room and the visitor’s lounge, updating each other constantly on the respective events which they regarded as equally important.
7. Women who aren’t used to being football widows consistently made a critical mistake that jeopardizes their lives. Never, under any circumstances, ever, not even to announce a tornado about to hit the house, stand in front of the TV during a game and say, “We need to talk...”. He’ll be instantly enraged and not hear anything you say. He’ll agree to anything to get you to move. However, the agreement won’t stick because it was made under duress. Standing in front of the TV during a game is the worst thing you can do in a relationship. The female equivalent would be your husband getting drunk in front of your family at Thanksgiving Dinner and exposing himself to your mother, it’s that bad...
9. I always used football season to covertly change his wardrobe. New socks would creep in and old favorites would disappear. I’d buy my hubby underwear in the correct size. Men think they can wear size 36 for as long as they can stretch the waistband to fit them. Their theory is, they aren’t overweight if they can wear size 36 underwear. One season, my hubby went from size 36 to size 40 underwear... Threadbare flannel shirts evaporated and his flower power jeans from 1968 too. The trick is, not to clean the closet. Just pull out the old stuff and jam in the new things. That way, the new stuff absorbs the old smells and makes the transition easier.
So just remember, football season equals abandonment to a woman in love and control to woman in her right mind.
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