Football Season & Homicide

Football Season and the Art of Home Management

Football season has officially begun. Thousands of men across the country have stood in front of their significant others and said, “Football season has begun. Before we get near the Playoffs, is there anything you want moved, discussed or painted? Speak now, or shut up till after the Superbowl.”

Women lament being football widows, yet, it can work to our great advantage if we simply abandon being sensitive and caring. Those emotions just hold us back anyway.

Things to do while he watches the game.

1. Get a new hairdo. Anything you want. He’s not going to notice till mid January 07.
2. Redo the bedroom. New carpet, new bedroom set. He’s sleeping in his lazyboy on the weekends and too tired to notice anything new during the week. By the time he notices the new furniture, it will have some wear on it and you can fall back on our old reliable line, “That’s not new. We’ve always had this. I just moved it / cleaned it / painted it / rearranged it.”
3. I don’t endorse having extramarital affairs, but if you must, do it during football season and end it during the playoffs. It will give him a feeling of relief to hear you say, “Okay, if you’re going to watch the game, I’m going to blah, blah, and blah.” And you can actually say “blah, blah and blah” because after they hear “Okay, if you’re going to watch the game..” the rest is a blur to them. They’re just relieved that you won’t be in the house prattling in the background while the game is on.
4. Experiment with new recipes the YOU like! He’s fine living on nachos and beer for the next four months. Buy that bright red Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer! He won’t see it. He’s just going to and from the fridge.
5. You can redecorate any room and in Spring, when he notices the changes, he won’t say anything because he’s not sure exactly what has changed and if he asks you, “What’s different?” he knows he’ll hear, “I put those curtains up six months ago, and you’re just seeing them now? You never notice anything I do to make this house look nice! I don’t know why I even try, blah, blah, blah....” . Then he feels like a fool. Not because he didn’t notice your improvements, but because he knows better than to open his mouth and admit it.
6. Try to plan your pregnancies so that you’re not due during football season. It’s so hard to drive yourself to the hospital while you’re in labor. It’s so embarrassing when no one visits but your Mom and girlfriends. And then, after the Superbowl, you always have to explain to him where this new baby came from. I have a friend whose was in labor/giving birth DURING the Superbowl. Her husband and father rotated between the delivery room and the visitor’s lounge, updating each other constantly on the respective events which they regarded as equally important.
7. Women who aren’t used to being football widows consistently made a critical mistake that jeopardizes their lives. Never, under any circumstances, ever, not even to announce a tornado about to hit the house, stand in front of the TV during a game and say, “We need to talk...”. He’ll be instantly enraged and not hear anything you say. He’ll agree to anything to get you to move. However, the agreement won’t stick because it was made under duress. Standing in front of the TV during a game is the worst thing you can do in a relationship. The female equivalent would be your husband getting drunk in front of your family at Thanksgiving Dinner and exposing himself to your mother, it’s that bad...
9. I always used football season to covertly change his wardrobe. New socks would creep in and old favorites would disappear. I’d buy my hubby underwear in the correct size. Men think they can wear size 36 for as long as they can stretch the waistband to fit them. Their theory is, they aren’t overweight if they can wear size 36 underwear. One season, my hubby went from size 36 to size 40 underwear... Threadbare flannel shirts evaporated and his flower power jeans from 1968 too. The trick is, not to clean the closet. Just pull out the old stuff and jam in the new things. That way, the new stuff absorbs the old smells and makes the transition easier.

So just remember, football season equals abandonment to a woman in love and control to woman in her right mind.