BIG BUSH IS WATCHING!!!

Compuphonavision, Big Bush is Watching...

Apple just announced that their new iPod will double as a phone. Okay, let me get this.... my iPod (radio) will also download movies (theater) so I can watch Titanic get hit by an ice cube on the two inch screen, it gives me internet access (computer) and now it can be a phone with as much poor reception as I need. So my iPod doubles as a computer, theater, and phone. My computer doubles as a radio, TV and phone. My TV can give me radio and internet access, but I can’t talk to it yet. So if the TV gets phone access, the circle will be complete.

All of our cell phones have Global Positioning Chips (GPS) now (post 9/11) so they (we) can be found anywhere, anytime. All our computers have GPS chips now so they can be found anytime... in case they run off. Our cars have GPS chip in their navigation systems, so we can find them or a voice can find us. It’s in the works to add a GPS chip to iPods and Blackberries now, I don’t know what the reason will be for that, but it will have to do with ‘public safety’ since that’s the code word to get anything by the people. It’s a good thing America has a totally trustworthy government so we can be confident that these listeners and locaters will never be abused.

The hottest selling bathroom home item today, according to Modern Home, is a fish tank toilet tank. No, I’m not kidding, check yahoo.com. The tank is a fish tank with live fish and a phony tank behind it with the flush water. It is a howl to see!

But then I put it together.... this is probably a government funded project. They want us to get accustomed to the idea of watching our toilet tanks. Soon they’ll replace with fish with emblems of sports teams, so you can symbolically flush teams you hate. Then, they’ll add a TV screen attachment that can be mounted on the wall in front of the commode. It will activate when you sit down and you can watch TV while you’re there. Overtime, you’ll want more technology. So they’ll develop a switch to flip from TV to computer function with a swing arm attachment that holds your keyboard and toilet paper. Now you’ll be able to email while you’re on the can. No more trying to sneakily use the bathroom while you’re on the cell phone and hold your thumb over the speaker while you flush, you will be able to email and download, while you download, and no one will know....

But the government must know more about you, you’re so fascinating. Soon, there will be sensors in the seat that record your weight. The information will be sent to your refrigerator that will keep a record of how many times it is opened and will record what is taken out and by whom. This info will go to the government who keeps tracks of food supplies and you will be banned from buying fattening foods when you use your debit card at the market. You’ll swoop the card through the machine and a loud ‘Bad Person Alarm’ will go off like a siren. You’ll have to surrender all the unapproved items. But you won’t be allowed to complain because it’s for your own good. The black market on Entenmanns will be huge!

But weight... there’s more information the govenment can get from your ass. A scanner can imbedded in the seat. It will check you for colon, prostate and uterine cancer while you’re there and send the results straight to your insurance company for early denial of coverage. You’ll get your denial letter before you even see your physician, which you have to admit, saves a lot of time for both you and the doctor and you won’t have to waste one sick day!

Oh, I know you probably think this is silly. But there was a time when I thought it was silly to think that my government could ever monitor my phone records, listen into my phone conversations, check my bank records, all without a warrant. Soon, with the event of the RFID card (Radio Frequency Identification Card) next year, which has a GPS chip and we will be mandated to carry at all times, the government will be able to find all of us anywhere, anytime. But it’s all for our safety, isn’t it? Big Bush, I mean Big Brother, I mean the Bush Administration only thinks of the people and how it can use them, I mean, how it can be useful to them. Sorry, what am I thinking? Sorry again, I mean what am I allowed to think?

NEW YEAR...NEW LINGO..

You Said It!

Language is a very organic entity. We need excellent command of it to be successful. Language changes constantly as outmoded words are abandoned and newly defined words enter the lexicon. I’m starting the New Year with some winners gathered from multiple internet sources, including the Washington Post and some dusty corners of my brain.

1. Cashtration:
The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Intaxification:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.
3. Technosnob:
A technology snob who loads his conversation with techno terms that only Bill Gates can understand.
4. Technobobs:
Technosnobs on a skewer slowly turning over an open fire.
5. Bozone:
The immediate area surrounding stupid people that blocks all intelligent input; see also: Bush, George W.
6. Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you’re intoxicated.
7. Blackhold:
People whose presence in a room causes the lights to dim because they are so dense, not even light can escape.
8. Ignoranus:
A person who's both stupid and an a--.
9. Foreploy:
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the specific purpose of getting some action.
10. Glibido:
All talk and no action.
11. Sarchasm:
The gulf between the writer of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. My mother always worries my double entendre jokes may often some people. I never worry about these people, because they are in the sarchasm.
12. Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously to as a means of remaining conscious at work. Every employee of Dan’s inoculattes every Tuesday night before the paper goes to press.
13. Decafalon:
The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
14. Coffee:
The person upon whom one coughs.
15. Hipatitis:
Terminal coolness.
16. Hampititus:
Being terminally cool in the Hamptons.
17. Osteopornosis:
A degenerates degenerate disease. 
18. Karmageddon:
Making a huge mistake that you know will come back and destroy something.
19. Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly, often the result of karmageddon.
20. Caterpallor:
The color you turn after finding half a bug in your food.
21. Flabberaghasted
Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
22. Ab-dicate
To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
23. Explanibriation
To attempt an explanation while drunk.
24. Lymph
To walk with a lisp.
25. Flatulance
Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
26. Balderdash
A rapidly receding hairline.
27. Pokemon
A Rastafarian proctologist.
28. Oyster
Another word for a New Yorker, easily identified because he sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish-isms (nu?).
29. Husbian:
The masculine half of a lesbian couple.
30. Whiff:
Someone who constantly splits hairs by asking, “What if...”.
31. Swift:
Someone who smacks Whiffs.
32. Terrorgram:
Someone who terrorizes the English language with appallingly bad grammar. Like Dr Phil, who consistently says, “I feel badly about that...” Note to Dr. Phil: You wouldn’t say, “ I feel sadly,” or “I feel gladly,”, so you DON’T say, “I feel badly...”. You “feel bad” - and you should.