Life on Shelter Island

“I had one like that, but I left it at the goody pile.”

Summer is in full swing. The tourists are touring, the bicyclists are blocking traffic, all the cars are being locked in the IGA parking lot. Locals never lock our cars here. It’s a little faith test we go through. If we lock our cars, it means we don’t trust our neighbors and that makes us like the rest of New York, so we don’t lock as a matter of principle. It’s a moot point for me since my van now has one window that is all the way up and won’t go down and the other window is all the way down and won’t go up. I never worry about it. I figure, anyone who steals a seventeen year old minivan stocked with beach shells, old Happy Meal toys and towels, has very low self esteem or is severely mentally challenged. I’ll have to get a newer car soon, but for now, Buttercup (all my cars have names) has to get me through this Summer at least. I never really notice how old she is until I park someplace that’s loaded with newer cars.

Last week, Buttercup and I went to the elegant Pridwin and had a delicious lunch of fresh sea bass. I had been invited to speak at the Women’s Community Club of Shelter Island annual luncheon. An amazing group of women with excellent taste and judgment but for their choice of me as a speaker. One of the ladies, whose name escapes me, talked to me about the fact that the newer residents (summer and year round) need to get more involved in this community by joining groups like this one, or maybe our wonderful League of Women’s Voters, or any one of the groups that are here “on Island” , to speak in the lvenacular.

She’s was so right. What makes a community is exposure to each other, to our lives, problems, goals and such. The trick is to know how much of yourself you can expose without going over the legal, or lethal limit. So I came up with a few guidelines to follow. Consider these when you are joining an Island group and they ask that innocent sounding, but deadly question, “Tell us a little about yourself?” The key word is ‘little’. Say as little as you can.

1] Anything you did under the age of 18 that is not Honor Society related, or has to do with rescuing cats from trees, is under the legal limit for exposure, so don’t say anything.

2] On Shelter Island, and I mean ESPECIALLY on Shelter Island, you never slept with anyone but your spouse. Revelations here will not only be over the legal limit, but will be over the lethal limit as well.

3] Don’t expose any secrets. Anyone who has lived on Shelter Island more than six years has at least three secrets that they must take to the grave. And the number gets bigger every year you live here. I’m up to five secrets now and I’m thinking of purchasing a sixth from a friend who has a surplus. Everyone knows that secrets and rumors have a ripple effect when revealed. What’s different here is that anything you unleash, however fascinating and juicy, will always, eventually, ripple back around to you.

4] “I was just picking up a check for a charity.” Memorize this phrase if you’re going to live here. Every man and most of the women on this Island, can identify you by your car. You will be asked over and over, “I saw your car at (fill in the blank), what were you doing there?” Answer: “I was just picking up a check for a charity.” You won’t believe the number of times this will save your ass and your reputation.

5] “I had one like that, but I left it at the goody pile.” This is the other phrase you have to memorize. When you are asked, “Wasn’t that your jacket I saw wadded up on Joe and Susan’s boat? Isn’t she in Ohio visiting her mother?” When you are asked, “Was that your husband acting like an idiot at The Dory with those college girls?” Your answer to any potentially dangerous question is: “I had one like that, but I left it at the goody pile.” (The goody pile is a big table at our town dump where useful items are left for anyone to pick up.)

So, there it is. I hope new residents think of joining some of our terrific local groups and really allowing themselves to be knit into the fabric of the community. Just remember my guidelines and you should do well.