Getting the money for the boat is only half the problem, the other half is usually, your other half...July is fast approaching and if you haven't talked your mate, partner, significant other, into getting a boat this year, here are some strategies.
Strategies for Gals
1. Promise the guy the perverse sex act of his choice, and the bigger the boat, the more perverse the act. Don't worry, you'll never have to do it, just promise him, you can always break your promise later with some creative excuse. I like to say, "You know I'd love to do that, hunny, I just love the whole thing with the chickens and whipped cream, but the doctor said I've contracted Acidopholous corpus rotus delecti, and it's very contagious whenever I'm in an aroused state. But we can if you do it if you really want to..." Gets you off the hook everything.
2. Promise you'll sit and watch his football games with him this fall. He'll be thrilled. All you have to do is keep asking him questions during the first game and by half time he'll be begging you to leave the room. Just keep the beer and sandwiches going and he'll still believe you really wanted to spend four hours watching millionaires in shiny pants running into each other.
3. Tell him that buying a boat means you won't have enough money to go visit your folks anytime in the coming year. This is actually true. You won't be able to afford to visit anyone. After you buy the boat, a trip to Riverhead will be a big adventure. As a matter of fact, once you buy the boat, you won't have money to do anything else except go out on the water, quelle damage...
4. Tell him that buying a boat exempts him from doing any house painting or repairs. This is a really good ruse. After you get the boat, if you need a house repair this is what you do; buy and make sure he sees your new "How to Do House Repairs Yourself" book. Get a hammer, everything seems to start with a hammer, and some duct tape. While he's puttering around the house, start to do your repair work. You know how men do a deliberately lousy job when they do a housework task - so that in frustration, you yank the vacuum/mop/sponge from them and just do it yourself? Same principle here. Once they hear hammering, they'll have to come to supervise you. Once they see what you're doing, because you have no idea really, they'll yank the hammer from your hand and off you go!
I'll pause here to say that I realize the younger readers may think it's wrong to use manipulation and deception with the one that you love. And in a perfect world, filled with only perfect people, perfect honesty would work. But ask yourself how close to perfection your loved one is. I believe that the distance between their existing personality and perfection can be justifiably filled in with delusion and deception. In time, you will see the wisdom of this.
Strategies for Guys
1. If you want that boat, promise her a full day of shopping at the mall of her choice with your credit cards, and you will go along and hold her purse without complaint. Of course, you can always break your promise later, but I wouldn't recommend it. But if you decide to do it anyway, you should sleep with a gun under your pillow for at least six months, just as a precaution.
2. Promise her that she can pick the next four movies you see. She'll pick chick-flicks of course, but you can survive it, that's what drugs and alcohol are for.
3. Tell her that buying a boat means you won't have enough money to go visit your relatives anytime soon. Even better, tell her you won't be able to afford entertaining them at your house. As a further back up, tell her that if your people show up, you'll take them out on the boat the whole visit so she doesn't have to cook, clean, hostess. A woman knows a man won't break a promise like this because men don't like company for more that three hours no matter whose family it is and men certainly don't want to visit anybody's parents and be grilled on what they're doing or listen to hints of what relatives think they should be doing.
4. If the situation is desperate and she's not buying any of your shallow promises, you have one last stratagem left. It's the most difficult for a man, but it softens women up everything. Practice this statement, "I was wrong and I am sorry." You can paraphrase if you want, but get the words "wrong" and "sorry" in there somehow. Women never hear these words from men, so the shock of it stuns us. And after being stunned a few times, you can say, "I was wrong and I am sorry. I don't deserve someone like you and I don't know how you've put up with me all these years. I wish I could ask you if I could buy a boat so I could continue to meditate on changing my ways while on the water, but I know it's too much to ask of you." If you can connect that buying a boat with make you a more sensitive and considerate partner, you're in like Flynn....
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