Justifiable Homocide

You have to ask youself, "Do I feel lucky today?"

I caught the tail end of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" the other night. The young male attorney, married with a baby, had just answered this question: "Whose death was reported on the front page the first day of publication of USA Today?" The potential answers were one of the following actresses: Greta Garbo, Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly, and Ida Lupino. The contestant took a guest and was right, it was Grace Kelly and he won $500,000. Let me be clear, he won one half of a million dollars guaranteed. He was asked if he'd like to answer to next question for one million dollars, or leave now with the paltry sum of $500,000. His wife shook her head violently in the negative from the gallery. But, nooooooooo, he was feeling lucky...

The Million dollar question was: "President Lyndon Johnson had four buttons installed on his desk to summon drinks he wanted. Three of the buttons were: coffee, tea, coke. What was the fourth button? Potential answers: Fresca, Yoo-Hoo, A&W Root Beer, and V-8. There's no way to logically deduce this, you would know it or not. I guessed A&W. The right answer was Fresca.

What do you think that car ride home was like?

I'm betting not a word was said. I bet his wife won't even be ready to talk to him till next May at the earliest. Sex isn't gonna happen for ten years at least. She has to go through the five stages of grief after the death of all her dreams.

The first stage is denial. She has to deny she married a moron who had a half a mil in his hands and tossed it for a 25% chance of winning a whole million. Because only a moron would realize that along with the 25% chance of winning a million was a 75% chance of winning bupkus, nada, nothing.

The second stage is anger. I tried very hard to imagine the amount of anger I would feel. I can only say that I have a stupidity limit, past which homocide or exile, are justified. I would calmly go to a boat supply store and purchase a new graphite fishing rod and a boat buoy. Returning home, I'd walk up behind him in his lounger and proceed to to alternatively whip him with the rod and beat him with the bouy. If he had me arrested for assault, it wouldn't do any good because if he stood before a female judge, once she heard the story, it would take half a police force to pull the judge off of him because she'd be finishing the job with her gavel. If he stood before a male judge, he'd only be granted a restraining order against his wife, and every other woman in the country who would beat him in a show of solidarity and as an example to the other men not to even think of being what I call "Black Hole stupid". This is when a man is so inexplicably dense that light bends around him.

The third stage is bargaining. She has to think of what redeeming qualities her moron has that compensate for his little lapses in judgment here and there. Maybe he doesn't complain when asked to take out the garbage. Maybe he puts his dirty socks in the laundry. Maybe he doesn't make a face when she asks him to lift his legs while she vacuums - which she would have a maid to do if he had bothered to research favorite drinks of US Presidents during the 60's before betting half a million on the infinite knowledge in his brain. But lets not go there, because there's no way back.

The fourth stage is depression. His wife will be depressed for a very long time. But she'll only think of his mistake whenever she writes the mortgage check, or has to budget groceries, or wants a new blouse, or calls a plumber or electrician for any repairs, or has any medical expenses, or has thoughts of affording a higher education for her children, or any number or those little thoughts that creep into our consciousness from time to time.

The fifth stage is acceptance. In about twenty years, she'll stop thinking about what could have been; a house, a new car, education, a boat, new underwear once a year, those small things that make life a little easier. She'll take what little money she can scrounge up and find a divorce attorney. Her two criteria for hire will be 1. Are you a licensed attorney? and 2. How do you feel about Fresca?

Big Game Hunter

I got a lot of fun feedback on the article I wrote about the fights that break out while playing Monopoly. Apparently my family is not alone in its inability to play a game peacefully. Here's some other complaints people have. The names are withheld to prevent violence and grudge keeping.

Chess: The biggest complaint seems to be that people take too much time to make a move. Everyone wants to appear to be a brilliant strategist, but there is no true correlation between how long it takes you to make a move and how brilliant you are. It seems that half the people who play chess know this and half don't and somehow one person from each side of this divide manages to pair up every time to play chess, creating a miserable evening for both. Drinking while playing this game makes things worse. One Islander told me that his brother, who thought thinkin' and drinkin' went together, got so angry when he lost that he lined up all the chess pieces on a rail and shot them all with a BB gun, well, he missed most actually, but it's the thought that counts. Perhaps Chess is best off when it's used as a designer piece, like on a movie set. You know, you buy an expensive Chess set and set it up so everyone can see it, and just for a special effect, you move one piece...

Life: The game of Life is fun. You sit in a little car and fill it with pegs as you go through life's passages. Everyone seems to like this game, in part because you can share all your personal experiences as you go. When you hit 'marriage' it costs you nearly nothing to get married. But when you hit 'divorce', it costs you a small fortune and you can end up in the 'poor house', just like real life. I think it's a kick that the game has gone high tech and done away with paper money, you get a reloadable debit card for money now.

Yahtzee: Poker with dice. Simple and still a favorite game by all reports. Can be played drunk or sober by all reports. Simple math, such as adding the totals on the dice required. Complex math, such as adding all the totals in all the columns to find out who won required. Multiple math, such as having more than one player add the totals because you cant trust the first person also required. Not recommended for those who imbibe in herbal cigarettes because there seems to be a lot of trouble adding even the dice totals and no one can remember if they're taking turns by going to the right or left.

Parcheesi: An old favorite of mine and really fun if you play by the rules inside the top of the box. Game strategy is important, so play sober and no one will get hurt.

Go: The ancient Japanese game that I think all strategy games are based on. A simple painted grid on a wooden board and two bowls of black and white round pieces, minutes to learn, forever to master. Not too popular in the US except for the a group of enthusiasts like me. I agree with one man who says the problem is the pieces slide on the board too easily. One bump and they all slide all over. I never saw that as a problem, it was my way of getting out of losing game. One accidentally well placed knock from my knee and I was spared humiliation.

Othello: A very popular small variation of Go. Othello is easy to learn, lots of fun, can be played sober, drunk or high since the question of who's winning is apparent all the time, either there are more black pieces showing or more white. No need to worry about whose turn it is since it's a two person game. Even a very high person, by process of elimination, can deduce whose turn it is next. Bonus; if the loser gets mad and tosses the game, the pieces are the size of quarter and very easy to find not that that has ever happened of course.

Cards: I never met a card game I didn't like. Card games are still very popular; mostly variations of Poker, and many enjoy Spades and Hearts. I didn't hear anyone talk about Bridge or Canasta or any of the more complicated games. Cards are still best for game with company and playing on a boat. I always wished I could master one of those fancy impressive shuffle. I'm a hacksaw shuffler. I just slush them together until someone makes a comment about how long it's taking me to shuffle. One thing to remember, if you lose a few cards and replace them with cards from another partial deck, check the backs to make sure the designs are the same. I had three blue Bicycle brand cards mixed in with a pack of red Bicycle cards and it didn't seem to take long for everyone to memorize what three cards those were, putting players at a distinct advantage or disadvantage depending on the deal. But hey... it's just a game.