Justifiable Homocide

You have to ask youself, "Do I feel lucky today?"

I caught the tail end of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" the other night. The young male attorney, married with a baby, had just answered this question: "Whose death was reported on the front page the first day of publication of USA Today?" The potential answers were one of the following actresses: Greta Garbo, Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly, and Ida Lupino. The contestant took a guest and was right, it was Grace Kelly and he won $500,000. Let me be clear, he won one half of a million dollars guaranteed. He was asked if he'd like to answer to next question for one million dollars, or leave now with the paltry sum of $500,000. His wife shook her head violently in the negative from the gallery. But, nooooooooo, he was feeling lucky...

The Million dollar question was: "President Lyndon Johnson had four buttons installed on his desk to summon drinks he wanted. Three of the buttons were: coffee, tea, coke. What was the fourth button? Potential answers: Fresca, Yoo-Hoo, A&W Root Beer, and V-8. There's no way to logically deduce this, you would know it or not. I guessed A&W. The right answer was Fresca.

What do you think that car ride home was like?

I'm betting not a word was said. I bet his wife won't even be ready to talk to him till next May at the earliest. Sex isn't gonna happen for ten years at least. She has to go through the five stages of grief after the death of all her dreams.

The first stage is denial. She has to deny she married a moron who had a half a mil in his hands and tossed it for a 25% chance of winning a whole million. Because only a moron would realize that along with the 25% chance of winning a million was a 75% chance of winning bupkus, nada, nothing.

The second stage is anger. I tried very hard to imagine the amount of anger I would feel. I can only say that I have a stupidity limit, past which homocide or exile, are justified. I would calmly go to a boat supply store and purchase a new graphite fishing rod and a boat buoy. Returning home, I'd walk up behind him in his lounger and proceed to to alternatively whip him with the rod and beat him with the bouy. If he had me arrested for assault, it wouldn't do any good because if he stood before a female judge, once she heard the story, it would take half a police force to pull the judge off of him because she'd be finishing the job with her gavel. If he stood before a male judge, he'd only be granted a restraining order against his wife, and every other woman in the country who would beat him in a show of solidarity and as an example to the other men not to even think of being what I call "Black Hole stupid". This is when a man is so inexplicably dense that light bends around him.

The third stage is bargaining. She has to think of what redeeming qualities her moron has that compensate for his little lapses in judgment here and there. Maybe he doesn't complain when asked to take out the garbage. Maybe he puts his dirty socks in the laundry. Maybe he doesn't make a face when she asks him to lift his legs while she vacuums - which she would have a maid to do if he had bothered to research favorite drinks of US Presidents during the 60's before betting half a million on the infinite knowledge in his brain. But lets not go there, because there's no way back.

The fourth stage is depression. His wife will be depressed for a very long time. But she'll only think of his mistake whenever she writes the mortgage check, or has to budget groceries, or wants a new blouse, or calls a plumber or electrician for any repairs, or has any medical expenses, or has thoughts of affording a higher education for her children, or any number or those little thoughts that creep into our consciousness from time to time.

The fifth stage is acceptance. In about twenty years, she'll stop thinking about what could have been; a house, a new car, education, a boat, new underwear once a year, those small things that make life a little easier. She'll take what little money she can scrounge up and find a divorce attorney. Her two criteria for hire will be 1. Are you a licensed attorney? and 2. How do you feel about Fresca?