One of my best buddies just turned 50 and she was having a terrible time with it. So I thought I’d cheer her up by telling her not to think of her body as 50, but just think of her boobs as 25 years old apiece. It didn’t have the elevating effect I had hoped. As she cracked the seal on the bottle of Amaretto, I thought I’d point out some other advantages of age. I might need these pointers myself someday, very far in the future of course.....
As a mature woman;
* You have the ability to talk to authority figures without having to picture them naked in order to avoid feeling intimidated.
* You’re not afraid if the school calls about your child. Teachers and Principals no longer scare you because you know you can take ‘em.
* You know if you date or marry someone 20 years younger, you look like a fool. 43 year old Tom Cruise, jumping on Oprah's couch professing his love for 26 year old Katie somebody, is a prime example. He's 19 years older and could in fact, be her father. Somehow I don't think he'd have the same chance with her if he was Tom at the gas station......
* You can fully assess a person by looking at their shoes. Are they bachelors in crappy sneakers that they think they can wear with anything? Are they young gals who can still face the pain of high heels? Are they in those awful orange orthopedic shoes because they gave their lives (God Bless 'em) to waitressing? Are they in Birkenstocks? I gotta tell you about Birkenstocks... it's true what their ads say, "If you knew how comfortable they were, you'd be in them now." Birkenstocks are sneaky.. I started with one pair..they mated in my closet and now they even have grand children.
* You can talk about how moronic men are in their presence, because you know they aren't listening anyway.
* The risk of being kidnapped goes down 50% more with each additional year of age.
* People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
* Male doctors no longer want you to undress completely, just uncover whatever is absolutely necessary...
* Pharmacists treat you so much nicer now that you are a source of increasing revenue.
* Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
* No one expects you to run into a burning building to save anything.
* You too, can command family members from a recliner.
* There's not much left to learn the hard way.
* Your joints are more accurate than The Weather Channel.
* In a hostage situation, you’ll probably get released in the first group.
* Forget Estee Lauder, you know that all the beauty you need is only a light switch away.
* You know if it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Cooking with wine doesn’t mean it goes in the food.
* You’ve been the peacemaker long enough, from now on, whatever shit hits the fan will be evenly distributed.
* One of the advantages and disadvantages of menopause is that your photographic memory is running out of film, allowing you to forget what you got arrested for in 1968 - dancing topless in Central Park.
* And that picture of you dancing topless in Central Park in 1968 with your boobs painted like daisies used be to hidden in a drawer. Now it’s on the mantle just to remind you that inside that mature body is a radiant seventeen year old girl who still knows all the words to ‘Mellow Yellow’.
* You’ve learned not to leave the store without the pants that match the jacket.
* Not only can your boobs no longer pass the pencil test, they can't even pass the same test with a laptop...
* Your Drivers License picture is starting to look good.
* You know that bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* You can live with the fact that some days are a total waste of makeup.
* The bad news is, by now everyone has a bad back. The good news is, you’re just one more back injury away from qualifying for that handicapped parking permit.
* Now, losing a pet is like losing a child. But losing a man is like losing a pet used to be. You know you can always pick up another if you really want to go through all that training again....
* Screw Women’s Lib, you have to take a man with you for any conversations with car repairmen or the repair costs will go up 25%.
* You know if a man starts a conversation with, “I never wanted to hurt you....” , he can just stop there because you know it’s shorthand for, “I want to be with this other woman but I don’t want you to cry and make me feel guilty for being a schmuck”. But at this age, even if you cry him a river, you know how to build a bridge and get the fuck over it.
* You know the three biggest lies a woman hears in her life are: 1] I swear I’ll pull out in time; 2] The check is in the mail; 3] I’m from the government and I’m here to help you.
* You’re ready for a woman president because you know when women get stressed we shop, we don’t invade other countries.
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