Wild Turkey was supposed to mean the whiskey!

Wild Turkey, not wild turkey!

Here it comes... the day we look forward to all year... Thanksgiving!

It all began when the Pilgrims landed in Massachusetts in search of religious freedom. There was little food their first winter since most of the seeds that survived the trip from England, didn’t take to the American soil. Many of the settlers died that first winter. But in the spring, Squanto, a native, walked out of the woods and into their settlement speaking fluent English! He had been taken to England as a slave years earlier and returned to America by Monks who taught him to speak english. Talk about your lucky break!!! It makes you wonder about Divine intervention..... If Squanto hadn’t shown up to teach them what to grow and how to prepare it, the colony likely would have failed and history might have been very different.

The first Thanksgiving records they had “goose, codfish, lobster and wild turkey”. When I read that, I wondered.... if lobster and goose were on the first menu, shouldn’t we stick with tradition? The Wild Turkey obviously referred to the whiskey and not some bird because you already had the poultry dish covered with the goose. Besides, you have to have something to drink in that cold weather, but who made the mistake of thinking they meant the bird and not the whiskey?

There have been other mistakes associated with Thanksgiving as well. In 1934, the Detroit Lions thought it would be fun to have a football game every Thanksgiving. Bad idea. In 1966 the Dallas Cowboys played the first Thanksgiving Day football game on TV and that was the last year that men sat at the dining room table with the family for Thanksgiving. This led to the rapid development of the TV tray table and nachos and noshes before the game.

Today, the men come to the table for the presentation of the bird. Someone says an awkward blessing and you can just tell that the men are controlling themselves long enough to get a plate and head back into to living room, leaving the women to create a meaningful event with the children while football blares in the background.

Sometimes there’s a delay in their plans if they have a man carving the turkey who wants to slice it nicely. Sometimes there is a delay because of the ‘passing of the carving knife’ ritual where a young man goes through the rite of passage of being given the privilege of carving the bird. This is always fun to watch. The poor guy gets instructions from four men at the table simultaneously telling him their method. No matter what he tries, it’s a hack job. Still, the men are glad it’s over so they can fill that plate and leave.

I know there are men who don’t watch football. Who stay and the table and help with gravy dripping on little chins. At least, I believe there are men like that. I’m sure I read it somewhere....

But that’s the real reason to have Wild Turkey with the wild turkey. While the men are whoopin’ and hollerin’ in the living room, the Mom’s can discreetly knock back a few, and then the urge to throw the turkey through the TV screen eases. The desire to pulverize the remote with a potato masher subsides. The silly urge to see the men interact in a sensitive and meaningful way with the kids for three consecutive hours dissipates.

Sarah Josepha Hale, the editor of the magazine, Godey’s Lady’s Book in the 1800’s lobbied for forty years for a national day of thanks. She is the one to be credited with the creation of Thanksgiving as we know it today. In 1863 President Abraham Lincoln decreed that America would observe “a national day of thanks for all the bounty America has been given”.

OUR NATIONAL THANKSGIVING BLESSING
by Sarah Josepha Hale 1853

"All the blessings of the fields,
All the stores the garden yields,
All the plenty summer pours,
Autumn's rich, o'erflowing stores,
Peace, prosperity and health,
Private bliss and public wealth,
Knowledge with its gladdening streams,
Pure religion's holier beams --
Lord, for these our souls shall raise
Grateful vows and solemn praise."

Mrs. Hale’s blessing is the best Thanksgiving blessing I ever read. I am adding it to be read at out table starting this year. God Bless You and have a wonderful day!

Symptoms of Bird Flu

Bird Flew

For years the medical community has made a BIG DEAL about getting a flu shot every year. Last year, there wasn’t enough serum, so they amended their recommendations to ‘only the frail’ should get the flu shot. This year, we’re being bombarded with dire predictions about a Avian flu pandemic, but my doc says I can’t get a flu shot because Aventis Pharmaceuticals screwed up the serum order and there is a severe shortage of vaccine available in Suffolk County where I live. Then he said, “You don’t really need a flu shot if you’re healthy”.

So let me get this straight.... if the serum is available, we need the flu shot, if the serum isn’t available, we don’t need the flu shot. Makes perfect sense.

We’ll all just have to be on the lookout for bird flu symptoms. I thought I’d better make a list for everybody, as a public service of course. If you exhibit ALL of the following symtoms, call your doctor, otherwise don’t bother him.

BIRD FLU SYMPTOMS - IN ORDER OF PROGRESSION OF SEVERITY:

1. Headache
2. Fever and Chills (Shake and Bake)
3. Body Aches
4. Sudden fear of cats.
5. Joint Pain
6. Picking at your food.
7. Fatigue
8. Urge to bath under the sprinkler in the front yard.
9. Crankiness
10. Passing up Playboy for seed catalogs.
11. You keep turning south when driving the car.
12. Saving bits of string.
13. Fascinated by shiny objects.
14. Blessing yourself when you pass a Kentucky Fried Chicken.
15. Running into the living room to watch Big Bird on TV.
16. Playing bird call CDs on auto repeat all day.
17. Taking undue notice of freshly washed cars.....
18. A meal of gummie worms look great to you.
19. You were removed from the pet store for opening all the canary and parakeet cages and you can’t explain your actions.
20. Attention span is six seconds.
21. Toes are turning in when you walk.
22. Now taking undue notice of the windshields of freshly washed cars.....
23. Building Osprey platforms in your backyard.
24. Googling “How to build a better Osprey nest” on your computer.
25. Calling the Fire Department to get you down from your nest.
26. Aversion to eating eggs.
27. Rising just before dawn whistling loud enough to wake up the whole house.
28. Feeling an overwhelming urge to poop on the freshly washed windshields of freshly washed cars....
29. Skipping work to see the movie “Chicken Little”.
30. Unconsciously standing on one leg while waiting in lines.
31. Being called a ‘bird brain’ is happening more often, but it doesn’t sound so bad anymore.
32. Being taken into custody for eating french fries off the ground in a parking lot.
33. Throwing your teenagers off your roof while shouting, “You can do it!”
34. Cocking your head to one side, then the other, when people talk to you.
35 Inability to tell if a sliding glass door is open or closed until you shatter it with your head.
36. You make an appointment to see the doc and tell him you are so sick, you’re “coming in on a wing and a prayer.”

2 boats vs. A CRUISE SHIP ???

GODZILLA vs. Bambi

In the "What were they thinking?" catagory.... A small group of idiots on two little speed boats decided they could commandeer a giant cruise liner, the Seabourn Spirit. They were probably thinking David and Goliath... I'm thinkin'...Bambi meets Godzilla....



Two weeks ago, somewhere in a cafe in Somalia....

“I KNOW we can pull it off, Jama. David took Goliath, we’ll take the cruise ship and be famous! We got two fast boats, AK-47 machine guns, and a grenade launcher....I got my cousins. We’ll be like Rambo. There must be thousands of dollars worth of money and jewelry from the passengers and then we’ll sell the ship to the highest bidder.”

“Yes Dido, but people will know she’s a stolen ship.”

“We will put new decals on the back, fool.”

“But she is big, Jama. The Seabourn Spirit is 440 feet long and 63 feet wide. 10,000 tons. Our boats are only 25 feet long...”

“But Dido... but we will have the element of surprise!”

"Yes... like the mouse who scares the elephant..."

"Yes Dido... we shall be the elephant of surprise..."

"The elephant of surprise... yes, that would be more surprising than an element....I like it, Jama."


Saturday, Nov 5 05:30 AM

“Captain, there’s two boats approaching us. They’re waving machine guns! And they have some kind of a rocket launcher too!”

“Okay Jim, order all the passengers into the center of the ship. Give me the bull horn.”

The Captain at the railing to the boats below, “Hi there! Good Morning! What are you guys doing?”

“We are pirates! You are surrounded! We are taking over your ship! Stop your ship now and throw down a rope so we can board and take you prisoner!”

“You sure you want a rope? I think we have a nice ladder...”

“This is not a joke you fool! Our guns and grenade launcher are pointed straight at your ship and we will not hesitate to shoot if our demands aren’t met!”

“So you plan to attack and overpower the ship with those weapons? All nine of you? Well, I hope you brought lunch and flashlights.”

“What are you talking about, fool? Why do we need lunch and flashlights?”

“Because it’s gonna take you all day and all night to attack this ship!”

“Dido! Shoot the grenade at them!”

(explosion heard as a grenade hits the side of the ship)

“You see Captain, we are serious. Now surrender and we will not harm the passengers.”

“You took out half a room. We got 208 rooms on this ship, how many grenades you got? You know our lifeboats are bigger than the boats you’re in....(laughing) Okay listen, we’ll surrender. Let me bring the ship closer so you can take us over. Stay right there. (turning to his First Officer) Okay Joe, take us in closer!”

“STOP! STOP! What are you doing, dog? You’re going to ram us!!!”

“We can’t steer, the ships too big.... you’d better move!”

“This is your last warning! We are smaller and can fly around you like a bee! We can do 30 knots (about 35 mph)!”

“For how long?”

“WHAT?”

“I said for how long, scooter?”

“What does it matter how long? Throw down your ropes! Prepare to be boarded!”

“We can only do 20 knots (about 24 mph), but we can do it for three weeks....how bout you boys? Brought enough petrol? You’re already more than a hundred miles off shore...how far do you think you can go?”

“Enough of your foolishness! OPEN FIRE!” (machine guns spray the ship)

(the captain shouting down through the bull horn) “Uh oh! You chipped our paint! We’d better run for cover! (turning to his First Officer) Okay Joe! Open her up full throttle, head for the open sea! Let’s see how fast they can go in the big chop....”

“Turn your ship around, dog! We will criss cross in front of your bow!”

“I don’t think so, scooter...”

Saturday, Nov 5 06:30 AM, heard over the loud speaker in the Dining Hall.

“This is your Captain speaking. Our pirates turned back for shore at 06:12 AM.

I understand that congratulations are in order for Mr. Harry Felder of Colorado for winning the pool on the exact time the pirates would head back (applause in the dining hall).

We apologize to the Wrights whose room was ruined by the grenade and we will be offering them a complete new wardrobe from the ship’s stores plus a free cruise.

We apologize for any inconvenience anyone suffered as a result of this event and are happy to announce that everything can go on as scheduled. There will be a tour of the grenaded room at 16:00 hours. Thank you.”