Symptoms of Bird Flu

Bird Flew

For years the medical community has made a BIG DEAL about getting a flu shot every year. Last year, there wasn’t enough serum, so they amended their recommendations to ‘only the frail’ should get the flu shot. This year, we’re being bombarded with dire predictions about a Avian flu pandemic, but my doc says I can’t get a flu shot because Aventis Pharmaceuticals screwed up the serum order and there is a severe shortage of vaccine available in Suffolk County where I live. Then he said, “You don’t really need a flu shot if you’re healthy”.

So let me get this straight.... if the serum is available, we need the flu shot, if the serum isn’t available, we don’t need the flu shot. Makes perfect sense.

We’ll all just have to be on the lookout for bird flu symptoms. I thought I’d better make a list for everybody, as a public service of course. If you exhibit ALL of the following symtoms, call your doctor, otherwise don’t bother him.

BIRD FLU SYMPTOMS - IN ORDER OF PROGRESSION OF SEVERITY:

1. Headache
2. Fever and Chills (Shake and Bake)
3. Body Aches
4. Sudden fear of cats.
5. Joint Pain
6. Picking at your food.
7. Fatigue
8. Urge to bath under the sprinkler in the front yard.
9. Crankiness
10. Passing up Playboy for seed catalogs.
11. You keep turning south when driving the car.
12. Saving bits of string.
13. Fascinated by shiny objects.
14. Blessing yourself when you pass a Kentucky Fried Chicken.
15. Running into the living room to watch Big Bird on TV.
16. Playing bird call CDs on auto repeat all day.
17. Taking undue notice of freshly washed cars.....
18. A meal of gummie worms look great to you.
19. You were removed from the pet store for opening all the canary and parakeet cages and you can’t explain your actions.
20. Attention span is six seconds.
21. Toes are turning in when you walk.
22. Now taking undue notice of the windshields of freshly washed cars.....
23. Building Osprey platforms in your backyard.
24. Googling “How to build a better Osprey nest” on your computer.
25. Calling the Fire Department to get you down from your nest.
26. Aversion to eating eggs.
27. Rising just before dawn whistling loud enough to wake up the whole house.
28. Feeling an overwhelming urge to poop on the freshly washed windshields of freshly washed cars....
29. Skipping work to see the movie “Chicken Little”.
30. Unconsciously standing on one leg while waiting in lines.
31. Being called a ‘bird brain’ is happening more often, but it doesn’t sound so bad anymore.
32. Being taken into custody for eating french fries off the ground in a parking lot.
33. Throwing your teenagers off your roof while shouting, “You can do it!”
34. Cocking your head to one side, then the other, when people talk to you.
35 Inability to tell if a sliding glass door is open or closed until you shatter it with your head.
36. You make an appointment to see the doc and tell him you are so sick, you’re “coming in on a wing and a prayer.”