The X Files

It’s three weeks after Christmas and Hanukah and all over the country, new computers sit in boxes because Microchip Challenged men obstinately refuse to learn any computer skills. I have three brothers with computers who impatiently sit in front of them swearing in frustration while REFUSING to be taught. They sit there cursing the cursor (I think that’s how it got its name) and being totally chipped off because the computer can’t scan their little minds and instantly know what they want it to do!

What is it about so many men that makes computer learning anathema to their whole being? It took me awhile... but I figured it out.

A brain is a non-expandable hard drive. It’s only so big and there’s only so many neurons and when the memory banks are full, that’s all folks. You can only work with the RAM and that’s why these men function just fine with all the knowledge that they already have, but there’s no extra space in their hard drives for new stuff - like how to work a computer. Makes sense to me...

Solution? Some neurologist somewhere has to develop, and patent - and I get 50% for thinking of it - a neuro suction machine. I say, if medicine can suck fat, it can suck memory. If we can send a man to the moon, then we can send him in for neurosuction to delete obsolete files and free up some memory in his head.

I have done an extensive study and developed an excellent starting list of files that need to be deleted from any man’s brain. Number One - the biggest file in their heads - porn and ridiculous fantasies, the X Files. They’ve all read too much Penthouse Forum. At no time in their lives will they ever be held against their will by a Swedish Bikini Team and forced to perform until there’s nothing left of them but their shoelaces! Deleting this and thousands of other ridiculous fantasies, centerfold pictures, and all porn related material will free up nearly 50% of a man’s mind... impressive.

Just neurosuctioning the out porn alone will be enough for most men, but if you still need more memory space, here’s some additional delete options: Sports statistics, fanatic devotion to sports teams, fishing stories, golf stories, memories of youthful debauchery (wouldn’t it be nice never to hear the stories of how much they drank and who they threw up on again?), and memories of all lovers prior to you. If you clear out the porn and these other files, you will have recovered at least 90% of his mind.

But as long as he’s already in the neurosuction machine, you can pay the neurologist a little extra to flip the switch and input some practical programs...you might as well...why waste the trip?

I recommend downloading any basic religion program first. Anything that promotes love, tolerance and patience is fine, plus all those programs come with Pornblocker.

Here’s a list of some additional great downloads: “Prompt and Competent Home Maintenance”; “I Love to Paint Walls” (the Martha Stewart edition); “Housework Won’t Kill Me”; “I Live to Buy Her Jewelry”; and one that says “101 Ways to Have Better Sex” on the box, but the disc inside reads “I Hate Football”.

There’s a small program I can’t recommend enough called “I Can Find It Myself” that gives men a constant prompt every five minutes that tells them where they left their keys, glasses, wallet, cigarettes, lighter, and watch. Plus, you can custom program three more items for them to track, like the location of a toddler for example.

The same company puts out a "I Can Dress Myself" application, but I can't give it a good rating. The program can tell them that mango will clash with hunter green, but it presupposes that they can identify shades of colors. My exhusband thought all blues got together, all greens got together, etc. So when he came out wearing a mint green shirt with sage green corduroys, I just had to suffer. Sears used to have a "Geranimals" system where kids could match their clothes according to matching animals on the labels. Men need the same system, just with pictures of tools. Screwdriver shirts can be worn with screwdriver pants, et. al. This would work, but this assumes they'll take the time to look at labels in their clothes...which would mean effort.... well, we can forget that!

I'm afraid no computer or simple matching program will work. If you want your man to look nice, do what I did, only buy him clothes that match no matter what he pulls out of the closet. That way he can think he dressed himself without anybodies help and you won't be embarassed.

There’s a small but really great little application called, “I Love You, Honey” that prompts them to say "I Love You, Honey" once a day at a preprogrammed time. Just pay attention to the AM/PM setting so they don’t blurt out “I love you, honey” at 11 AM while they’re at work. The same company sells an “I’m Sorry Honey” program, but it never works. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry, honey” when you say the trigger phrase, the guy’s brain just seizes and he starts hitting his head against a wall, which acts as a restart button and soon he’s okay again, but you never hear the “I’m sorry, honey”.

So the mystery is solved. The Microchip Challenged men need our help. Their brains are jam packed with obsolete files and until someone develops a neurosuction machine, we’re just going to have to do all their typing and internet research for them..... I have a strong suspicion they wouldn’t have it any other way...

The REAL Brokeback story...

Brokeback

A friend of mine threw his back out dragging a Christmas tree out of the house a few days ago. It was his first significant back injury. I told him to take heart, there’s an upside to back injuries that few people realize. I had my first experience two Januarys ago. I was shoveling snow off my top step, when suddenly... I became airbourne.... and then I cleared off the remaining steps as I slid down on my back. Up till then, I always respected people who said they suffered from back pain, but I never really understood it. But even in those first hours the news wasn’t all bad. I herniated a few discs, but hey...I got six good looking firemen to pick me up with a single phone call....

So for those who will suffer from back pain this winter, let me share the upside.

Mattress testing: Nothing will give you a clearer indication of the status of your mattress than the level of pain and rigor mortis you experience upon waking on it. If you can get up with less than five minutes of slow movement and groans, your mattress is great. If you keep your pain meds by the bed and have to take one 30 minutes before you even TRY to move, your mattress is bad and you are justified in getting a new one. If you wake to find your back has seized like a superheated V-6 and you are laying on your bed completely rigid like the Tinman, and your spouse has to spray your joints with WD-40 just work them loose, your mattress is shot! You are authorized to sleep anywhere you want until the new one arrives.

Lazy-Boy Command Center: I never owned a lazyboy chair before I hurt my back. They are amazing! You can sleep in them, eat in them, direct family traffic, watch TV, talk on the phone, hurl objects in anger. It’s fantastic! Almost anything you can do standing in pain, you can do from the chair with a 50% pain reduction. And bonus... you can set up a command center! That’s an end table next to the chair with glasses, books, crossword puzzle books, pens, meds, coffee & sandwich, TV remote, DVD remote and Cable remote. My ex always had a lazyboy and a command center, but I wasn’t allowed in his chair and his command center was surrounded by electrified razor wire. I was stationed on the side of the sofa closest to the kitchen because I was the designated “fetcher”.

Social Skills: When your back is out, you develop a keen awareness, nearly a sixth sense, of who is heading for the kitchen. You develop exceptional diplomacy and courtesy as you quickly think of what to ask them to bring to you. You even carefully decline their offer to bring you something every fifth offer, so they won’t know how much you need them. Because if they knew that, then they’d try to control you with their superior mobility....

Acting Skills: Even if you’ve never acted before, back pain will help you hone your skills to act stoic as you reluctantly let people bring you a pillow, some meds, chocolate, crab cakes, manicure set, pitcher of dacqueri’s, etc. I recommend studying the film Camille to pick up tips on that, "I hope I don't disturb you as I lay here and die in agony," technique.

Medication Evaluation: Pharmaceutical companies could save a fortune on research by letting people with back pain evaluate their products for them. I picked up great tips for pain relief concoctions from other people in the back pain club. Aspirin and tylenol work great together, but aspirin and ibuprofen negate each other, a tylenol with codeine and a margarita will give you a great four hour nap, but a margarita with a Vicodin will blast you off faster than the space shuttle.

Shower Massage Acquisition: It never fails, if you have a back injury, someone gives you a new shower massage shower head. The sounds you will make in the shower as that hot water jets onto the sore spots will make the neighbors think there’s group sex happening in your bathroom...But trust me, a shower massager is far better than group sex... uh... so I’ve heard....I should probably state here that whatever anyone has heard about me and the crew of the Nimitz is a lie. That’s not how I hurt my back, I fell down the stairs... honest.

And speaking of sex... if you have back pain you can always get out of sex, or you can get to be on the bottom with no obligation to move! It's great! You can get laid and watch Home & Garden TV at the same time. If you're a guy, you can get your needs filled while you recline in your lazy-boy.... wait a minute... nothing new there.... (I always found it ironic that no matter how a woman reads up on techniques to excite her man, an American man's favorite sexual position is just getting a blow job in a lazyboy... preferrably at half time and hopefully she keeps her head low so you can watch the show...).

Chore reduction: This is my favorite part of back pain. I am justified to do anything I must to get my children to do chores to save my back. If my teenage daughter refuses to do the dishes saying, "It's your job. I'm not your slave." I have mastered a hook shot with my shoe that can turn a corner and hit her right in the back of her MTV watching head - and it's not child abuse if you are in pain and need the help!

Officer: "What happened Ms Flynn?"
Me: "Well sir, I've been confined to this chair since I herniated some back discs. I sit here in pain worrying about keeping a nice house. I just wanted my daughter to do the dishes, that's all."
Officer: "I've had back pain myself and I have worthless teenagers as well. I understand completely."
Me: "Bless you, sir."
Officer: "I'm leaving you my revolver. If your daughter gives you any lip next time, shoot her."
Me: "Bless you, sir."

I always thought child abuse was just parental self defense anyway. Only people without children or "experts" who have never been on the front lines day after day with children fail to understand this, but I digress... oh yes.. back pain.

And so my friends, don't fear thinking you can still do a back flip on the neighbors trampoline without injuring yourself. Go ahead, enjoy the moment and remember that every Ace bandage has a silver lining...