The X Files

It’s three weeks after Christmas and Hanukah and all over the country, new computers sit in boxes because Microchip Challenged men obstinately refuse to learn any computer skills. I have three brothers with computers who impatiently sit in front of them swearing in frustration while REFUSING to be taught. They sit there cursing the cursor (I think that’s how it got its name) and being totally chipped off because the computer can’t scan their little minds and instantly know what they want it to do!

What is it about so many men that makes computer learning anathema to their whole being? It took me awhile... but I figured it out.

A brain is a non-expandable hard drive. It’s only so big and there’s only so many neurons and when the memory banks are full, that’s all folks. You can only work with the RAM and that’s why these men function just fine with all the knowledge that they already have, but there’s no extra space in their hard drives for new stuff - like how to work a computer. Makes sense to me...

Solution? Some neurologist somewhere has to develop, and patent - and I get 50% for thinking of it - a neuro suction machine. I say, if medicine can suck fat, it can suck memory. If we can send a man to the moon, then we can send him in for neurosuction to delete obsolete files and free up some memory in his head.

I have done an extensive study and developed an excellent starting list of files that need to be deleted from any man’s brain. Number One - the biggest file in their heads - porn and ridiculous fantasies, the X Files. They’ve all read too much Penthouse Forum. At no time in their lives will they ever be held against their will by a Swedish Bikini Team and forced to perform until there’s nothing left of them but their shoelaces! Deleting this and thousands of other ridiculous fantasies, centerfold pictures, and all porn related material will free up nearly 50% of a man’s mind... impressive.

Just neurosuctioning the out porn alone will be enough for most men, but if you still need more memory space, here’s some additional delete options: Sports statistics, fanatic devotion to sports teams, fishing stories, golf stories, memories of youthful debauchery (wouldn’t it be nice never to hear the stories of how much they drank and who they threw up on again?), and memories of all lovers prior to you. If you clear out the porn and these other files, you will have recovered at least 90% of his mind.

But as long as he’s already in the neurosuction machine, you can pay the neurologist a little extra to flip the switch and input some practical programs...you might as well...why waste the trip?

I recommend downloading any basic religion program first. Anything that promotes love, tolerance and patience is fine, plus all those programs come with Pornblocker.

Here’s a list of some additional great downloads: “Prompt and Competent Home Maintenance”; “I Love to Paint Walls” (the Martha Stewart edition); “Housework Won’t Kill Me”; “I Live to Buy Her Jewelry”; and one that says “101 Ways to Have Better Sex” on the box, but the disc inside reads “I Hate Football”.

There’s a small program I can’t recommend enough called “I Can Find It Myself” that gives men a constant prompt every five minutes that tells them where they left their keys, glasses, wallet, cigarettes, lighter, and watch. Plus, you can custom program three more items for them to track, like the location of a toddler for example.

The same company puts out a "I Can Dress Myself" application, but I can't give it a good rating. The program can tell them that mango will clash with hunter green, but it presupposes that they can identify shades of colors. My exhusband thought all blues got together, all greens got together, etc. So when he came out wearing a mint green shirt with sage green corduroys, I just had to suffer. Sears used to have a "Geranimals" system where kids could match their clothes according to matching animals on the labels. Men need the same system, just with pictures of tools. Screwdriver shirts can be worn with screwdriver pants, et. al. This would work, but this assumes they'll take the time to look at labels in their clothes...which would mean effort.... well, we can forget that!

I'm afraid no computer or simple matching program will work. If you want your man to look nice, do what I did, only buy him clothes that match no matter what he pulls out of the closet. That way he can think he dressed himself without anybodies help and you won't be embarassed.

There’s a small but really great little application called, “I Love You, Honey” that prompts them to say "I Love You, Honey" once a day at a preprogrammed time. Just pay attention to the AM/PM setting so they don’t blurt out “I love you, honey” at 11 AM while they’re at work. The same company sells an “I’m Sorry Honey” program, but it never works. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry, honey” when you say the trigger phrase, the guy’s brain just seizes and he starts hitting his head against a wall, which acts as a restart button and soon he’s okay again, but you never hear the “I’m sorry, honey”.

So the mystery is solved. The Microchip Challenged men need our help. Their brains are jam packed with obsolete files and until someone develops a neurosuction machine, we’re just going to have to do all their typing and internet research for them..... I have a strong suspicion they wouldn’t have it any other way...