The REAL Brokeback story...

Brokeback

A friend of mine threw his back out dragging a Christmas tree out of the house a few days ago. It was his first significant back injury. I told him to take heart, there’s an upside to back injuries that few people realize. I had my first experience two Januarys ago. I was shoveling snow off my top step, when suddenly... I became airbourne.... and then I cleared off the remaining steps as I slid down on my back. Up till then, I always respected people who said they suffered from back pain, but I never really understood it. But even in those first hours the news wasn’t all bad. I herniated a few discs, but hey...I got six good looking firemen to pick me up with a single phone call....

So for those who will suffer from back pain this winter, let me share the upside.

Mattress testing: Nothing will give you a clearer indication of the status of your mattress than the level of pain and rigor mortis you experience upon waking on it. If you can get up with less than five minutes of slow movement and groans, your mattress is great. If you keep your pain meds by the bed and have to take one 30 minutes before you even TRY to move, your mattress is bad and you are justified in getting a new one. If you wake to find your back has seized like a superheated V-6 and you are laying on your bed completely rigid like the Tinman, and your spouse has to spray your joints with WD-40 just work them loose, your mattress is shot! You are authorized to sleep anywhere you want until the new one arrives.

Lazy-Boy Command Center: I never owned a lazyboy chair before I hurt my back. They are amazing! You can sleep in them, eat in them, direct family traffic, watch TV, talk on the phone, hurl objects in anger. It’s fantastic! Almost anything you can do standing in pain, you can do from the chair with a 50% pain reduction. And bonus... you can set up a command center! That’s an end table next to the chair with glasses, books, crossword puzzle books, pens, meds, coffee & sandwich, TV remote, DVD remote and Cable remote. My ex always had a lazyboy and a command center, but I wasn’t allowed in his chair and his command center was surrounded by electrified razor wire. I was stationed on the side of the sofa closest to the kitchen because I was the designated “fetcher”.

Social Skills: When your back is out, you develop a keen awareness, nearly a sixth sense, of who is heading for the kitchen. You develop exceptional diplomacy and courtesy as you quickly think of what to ask them to bring to you. You even carefully decline their offer to bring you something every fifth offer, so they won’t know how much you need them. Because if they knew that, then they’d try to control you with their superior mobility....

Acting Skills: Even if you’ve never acted before, back pain will help you hone your skills to act stoic as you reluctantly let people bring you a pillow, some meds, chocolate, crab cakes, manicure set, pitcher of dacqueri’s, etc. I recommend studying the film Camille to pick up tips on that, "I hope I don't disturb you as I lay here and die in agony," technique.

Medication Evaluation: Pharmaceutical companies could save a fortune on research by letting people with back pain evaluate their products for them. I picked up great tips for pain relief concoctions from other people in the back pain club. Aspirin and tylenol work great together, but aspirin and ibuprofen negate each other, a tylenol with codeine and a margarita will give you a great four hour nap, but a margarita with a Vicodin will blast you off faster than the space shuttle.

Shower Massage Acquisition: It never fails, if you have a back injury, someone gives you a new shower massage shower head. The sounds you will make in the shower as that hot water jets onto the sore spots will make the neighbors think there’s group sex happening in your bathroom...But trust me, a shower massager is far better than group sex... uh... so I’ve heard....I should probably state here that whatever anyone has heard about me and the crew of the Nimitz is a lie. That’s not how I hurt my back, I fell down the stairs... honest.

And speaking of sex... if you have back pain you can always get out of sex, or you can get to be on the bottom with no obligation to move! It's great! You can get laid and watch Home & Garden TV at the same time. If you're a guy, you can get your needs filled while you recline in your lazy-boy.... wait a minute... nothing new there.... (I always found it ironic that no matter how a woman reads up on techniques to excite her man, an American man's favorite sexual position is just getting a blow job in a lazyboy... preferrably at half time and hopefully she keeps her head low so you can watch the show...).

Chore reduction: This is my favorite part of back pain. I am justified to do anything I must to get my children to do chores to save my back. If my teenage daughter refuses to do the dishes saying, "It's your job. I'm not your slave." I have mastered a hook shot with my shoe that can turn a corner and hit her right in the back of her MTV watching head - and it's not child abuse if you are in pain and need the help!

Officer: "What happened Ms Flynn?"
Me: "Well sir, I've been confined to this chair since I herniated some back discs. I sit here in pain worrying about keeping a nice house. I just wanted my daughter to do the dishes, that's all."
Officer: "I've had back pain myself and I have worthless teenagers as well. I understand completely."
Me: "Bless you, sir."
Officer: "I'm leaving you my revolver. If your daughter gives you any lip next time, shoot her."
Me: "Bless you, sir."

I always thought child abuse was just parental self defense anyway. Only people without children or "experts" who have never been on the front lines day after day with children fail to understand this, but I digress... oh yes.. back pain.

And so my friends, don't fear thinking you can still do a back flip on the neighbors trampoline without injuring yourself. Go ahead, enjoy the moment and remember that every Ace bandage has a silver lining...