Raccoon Recon...

Raccoons... what’s next?

Laying in bed being brought into a level of consciousness I don’t usually have to deal with till 7 AM, I opened one eye enough to see that the clock read 1 AM. I could hear the sound of plastic bakery containers being opened in the kitchen. My son was in bed, it wasn’t him. I was in bed, it wasn’t me. The cats can’t open plastic bakery containers because they don’t have opposable claws, so it wasn’t them.

I had no choice, I was going to have to get up and find out who was after my blueberry muffins.

She was small with a gray brindle coat, a lovely ringed tail, and black outlined eyes filled with a pititful expression. I reached for a broom to swish the raccoon out of my kitchen, only to realize, I have an electric broom now and they’re no good for raccoon swishing. I grabbed a spatula and chased her, but she didn’t run. She ambulated slowly to the cat door and left. My two cats only looked up as she passed within inches of them. They didn’t even try to protect me, me the provider of food, treats, toys, gee thanks guys....I locked the cat door so she couldn’t get in again.

I realized she was kinda thin for a raccoon and then it hit me. She was probably a nursing mother who had just gotten the pups to sleep long enough to get out of the den for awhile. I wondered if she used Tylenol to knock them out like I used to do with my pups.

I returned to bed and fell asleep until about an hour later when the sound of cabinets being opened in the kitchen woke me up. Yes, she was back. My muffins weren’t enough I guess.... She tore the window screen to get in. This time I was doing that thing where you’re trying to yell at someone without waking up the rest of the house, that super charged whisper. I told her, “Listen, you, you can’t come in my house and shop! You have to find food outside!” I shushed her out my front door and swatted her bottom with the spatula. I was sure I had handled that dinfinitively.

4 AM......only our children, when they are babies and can’t understand threats, are allowed to wake us up multiple times in the night and still be alive in the morning. I knew it was her moving dishes on the counter.....I went to the kitchen, she stayed on the counter, eating tidbits and just looked up at me. I thought raccoons were supposed to be shy and timid. She was neither. I wasn’t sure if she was brave, too tired to run, or learning disabled. This time I used a spatula and a hand towel to shush her out, like a lion tamer with a whip and chair, I shushed her toward the door and she kept turning around looking at me like, “What? What did I do?”

This time I was going to beat her. I got my pillow, blankie, and water and set up camp in my recliner. I turned on the TV to create light and sound to keep her out. I had the spatula at the ready. My plan worked. She did not return that night....

But after three breaks in my sleep, I was up for the rest of the night. My conscious began to work on me. I started to feel guilty, what if she was starving, what if she didn’t have enough milk, what if this was the only time she was going to get out this week? What if I hurt her when I swatted her? As the time wore on, I felt terrible, exhausted, but terrible.

The next night she was back. At 11 PM I saw her face peering in through the cat door. I took her a bowl of Friskies Seafood Mix dry food. I thought she could carry pieces in her cheeks back to the kids. I soon realized that wasn’t necessary... because she had no trouble dragging the whole bowl in the woods. The kids must have been thrilled, Mom brought home 'take out' !

We’ve named her Rachel. So now I feed three indoor cats, two feral cats, seed for the birds, nuts for 'Al Byneau', our white squirrel, green scraps for the deer and now extra kibble for Rachel.

40% of the grocery budget goes to animal food now. It’s not so bad I guess, unless I have company and they ask for something to eat.

“Sure! What would you like? I have Kal Kan, Friskies -wet or dry, Song Bird Mix, walnuts, squash scraps....what would you like?”