Gift Wrapping for Idiots

Wrap It Up!

Last week in Dan’s Papers was a very nice article suggesting how to create a wrapping zone in your home for gift wrapping.

First, find an area, it could be a room or a corner, that you can designate as your Wrapping Zone. I found a perfect spot. I cleared away the clutter and began getting organized.
“Mom, what are you doing with all my stuff?’
“I need this space, Jake, for wrapping Christmas presents.”
“But this is my study area. I need the laptop and my school stuff. Don’t you want me to get good grades for college?” he asked - like I’m gonna give up my Wrapping Zone for that...
“You know I’m really sick of this, ‘my children are my life crap’. You need to understand my needs. My gift wrapping skills are horrific. Gifts from me look like they were wrapped by KoKo the Gorilla. You’ll be leaving home next year, but I’ll still have to wrap gifts - ever think of that?”
“Oh, I see Mom, improving your gift wrapping skills so you can impress people with fancy paper and fluffy bows is more important than my educational needs?”
“I’m glad you understand, son.”
“No, Mom! I was kidding! How can you be so shallow?”
“Listen, all my friends bring beautifully wrapped gifts to all our social occasions. The paper is folded right, the bows match and a good wrap job increases the perceived value of a cheap gift by 32%.”
“Is that what you’re about now, Mom? Impressing people? When did you become a Martha Stewart wannabe?”
“I was born a Martha Stewart wannabe. I’ve lived my life looking like the top graduate of the Helen Keller School of Home Decorating. Tasteful gift wrapping is my first step on the long road of rehabilitation from ludicrous to lovely.”
“If I give up my space, is there a stop somewhere on this road where you stop buying everything that’s red? We have a red couch, red dishes, red bath towels, everything's red Mom. Are you going to buy anything in Martha Stewart colors? You know, those soothing muted tones....”
“Yes, there is a stop for that, Jake. It’s a little further down the road.”
“How far?”
“Somewhere around your thirtieth birthday I think.”
“Forget it. I’m keeping my study space.”

I had no choice but to adapt and overcome.
“Where are you going with the all the wrapping stuff, Mom?”
“I’m taking over the back seat of the car for wrapping.”
“Sounds good. What’s the lunch box and flashlight for?”
“Because I’m gonna be out there all day and all night, Jake. “
“It won’t work, Mom, I don’t feel guilty.”
“Do me a favor, son, keep an eye on the weather report. If I’m out there in the freezing cold too long, come and get me.”
“I’ll bring you a blanket and I still won’t feel guilty.”
“And bring some hot water in case the scissors freeze to my hands.”
“Creative, but it’s still not working.”
“Be sure to feed the cats, answer the phone and if it’s your grandmother, you have to talk to her for as long as she wants to talk to you.”
“I’ll bring you the phone, it’s cordless.”
“I’m really not trying to guilt trip you, son. I don’t expect anything for birthing your nine pound self. I don’t mind that the doctor had to use a crowbar. I don’t mind the years of watching mind numbing Disney videos followed by your Godzilla obsession. I don’t mind putting your needs ahead of mine everyday of my life until just now when I wanted a chance at wrapping a pretty present.”
“I’m glad you don’t mind, Mom, cause I don’t mind years of listening to you nearly sing on key, listening to you whine and yammer that I never talk to you, cutting my hair to save money, enduring your ability to get lost in a parking lot, watching you screw up phone numbers and check books constantly because of your dyslexia, oh, and you never got me a dog.”
“Geeeeezzzz...you are good at guilt tripping, Jake... I feel just terrible.....”
“I learned from the best. Close the door on your way out, Mom.”