Who’s Your Paddy?
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three glasses of Guinness, drinking them one at a time. The bartender explains that the beer goes flat when poured and informs the man his beer would be much fresher if he ordered one glass at a time. The Irishman explains he began this custom with his two brothers, who have moved to America and Australia, respectively. This is his way of honoring them. The man becomes a regular at the pub, well-known for always ordering three beers at once. One day he walks in and orders only two beers. Assuming the worst, the bartender quietly offers his condolences. The man looks confused for a moment, and then explains, "No, me brothers is fine. It’s me. I gave up beer for lent."
Now, I just to clear up a few things for the Irish Americans reading this column.
1] The new TV show, The Black Donnelly’s, about a hard drinking family of black Irish in Boston, that fights with themselves and everyone else, is actually a fictional TV show, not a documentary (like my mother thought).
2] Senator Barack Obama is not black Irish. It is Obama, not O’Bama.
3] The Church has gone through terrible scandals in recent years and it’s giving everyone the impression that all priests are child molesters. We know that’s not true, many are just alcoholics. But, for all the rotten apples, there’s a good many wonderful priests. So defend the faith once in awhile and come to church once in awhile too. I know you think the Church is full of hypocrites, but there’s always room for one more...
4] It’s perfectly fine to start celebrating on the 15th if you think the whiskey will hold out for two days. Practice the custom of the non-Irish and put the cap BACK ON the bottle once in awhile.
5] In addition to Do Not Drink and Drive, Do Not Drink and Dial. No one wants to sing Galway Bay with you over the phone. And also, Do Not Drink and Drone on and on....
6] Do not challenge your non-Irish friends to a drinking contest. We have a genetic advantage and it’s not fair to exploit it. This rule is suspended, however, if they are buying the drinks. It is rude to refuse a gift.
7] Keep your explanibrations to a minimum when addressing sober people. Explanibriations are your attempt to explain things while inebriated. It irritates the sober people, but intrigues fellow drunks, so chose wisely before you begin the story.
8] Unlike other cultures, who don’t like stories repeated, we specialize in it. Just remember, there is a 2% embellishment limit to each repetition. When the story has run out of truth completely, it moves into the category of ‘family legend’.
9] If you’re celebrating in public, remember, there’s a difference between a punch that you drink, a punch that you throw, and a punchline. We stand in the punchline to get to the punch. We do not throw THE punch, or throw A punch at anyone in public, our we will BECOME a punchline for another joke.
10] If you’re celebrating at home, remember to give all non-combatants a chance to get under the table before the serious fighting starts.
11] Just as we now have Designated Drivers, we need Designated Door Answerers. When the police come, send the sober DDA to the door. Do not make any background noise or invite the officer in for a drink. He doesn’t know the words to Whiskey in the Jar. Of course, he would if he was Irish, but we know he’s not, because he’s working on St. Patrick's Day.
I think that covers it..... Have a Happy St. Patrick's Day!
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