The Men of Shelter Island

How Ya Gonna Keep Em Down On The Farm?

Sat Mar 24, 2007 TORONTO (Reuters) By Jonathan Spicer - Real men don't pose for the cover of a Harlequin romance. And that's something the publisher wants to change.
Marleah Stout, Representative of Harlequin Enterprises, the world's biggest publisher of romance novel series said, "We're looking for some guys that are not your usual models, but have that iconic look that women go for -- sexy, sensitive, beautiful and fit," said Harlequin spokeswoman, who attended the open casting.
"We want real men ... exactly what you think in your mind when you're fantasizing or imagining that ideal man."
Toronto-based Harlequin, a division of newspaper group Torstar Corp., sold 131 million books in 94 countries last year. It estimates that a third of American women have read at least one of its titles.

“And what group do you represent, sir?”
“We’re the men from Shelter Island. We’re here to be the new models for your Romance novel covers.”
“All of you?”
“Yes, of course. Is there a problem?”
“Well, there’s twenty of you....and we have certain criteria. I don’t want to be rude, but there’s certain things we require, like hair...”
“Hair? Oh, we got hair! Gerry! Show the lady your back! Look at that! You ever see back hair like that in your life? Looks like he’s wearing a sweater!”
“I see. Uh, well, we also want six pack abs. I don’t see anything like that here.”
“Ooooh, Miss... six pack abs? You’ve come to the right place. Johnny! C’mere and bring the beer out of the ice chest in the car. Now watch this. Okay John, you and Bill, show this nice lady how you can balance a six pack on your stomachs. Look at that.... now that’s talent! Bet ya never seen nothin’ like that before!”
“No, I can honestly say I haven’t. What are those tattoos with the erratic pattern that you all have?”
“Maps of Shelter Island. Island man has to have an Island tattoo. The women all have magnetic maps on their cars. Some wear necklaces of the map. It’s sacred to us. Look. Here’s the Heights... this is Ram Island, and of course, Little Ram, and here’s Coecles Harbor...”
“Stop! I got it! I don’t want to see anything else. Look, I’m sure you’re all nice men. But we need a certain type. Romantic and rugged, that’s what women want.”
“Romantic and rugged? Why didn’t you say so? Joe, get the drills from the toolbox. Joe and me, being sensitive artists in our souls, realized a while ago that different drills have different pitches and David here, sings opera. Joe and me are going to play a little Turandot on Bosch and David’s gonna sing Nessum Dorma. You’re gonna love it.”
“Thank you, that was so special. I never heard the power tool arrangement before. The truth is, you’re just too sexy for our covers. You might overwhelm the women of America.”
”We know. We overwhelm our women on the Island. It was their idea for us to come here.”
“Really? Let me have a phone number. Let me do a conference call with them.”
“Sure.. I get it. You want to work out our fees with them....close the deal, eh?”
“Yeah, that’s it.”

“Hi. Is everybody on the line? This is Cheryl Hinch with Harlequin. Whose idea was it to send the husbands to our audition? Okay, somebody has to stop laughing and talk to me.”
Voice 1: “I won the pool! You called us within an hour!”
Cheryl: “Very funny! How am I gonna get rid of them? They think they’ve got ‘it’ going on.”
Voice 2: “We know, we know. We were just hoping somebody could bring them a little closer to reality.”
Cheryl: “Bringing your guys closer to reality could be a federal grant project. I don’t have time for this. I’ll put the leader on the phone and you can tell them to come home.”
Voice 4: “For how much?”
Cheryl: “Blackmail? You’re blackmailing me to get rid of these guys?”
Voice 1: “Send them home with Chanel bags and Gucci shoes, or we leave them with you.”

“Well boys, it wasn’t a total loss. We had a nice day off island and geez, wait till the wives see these consolation prizes we got; bags, shoes, champagnes, chocolates, Broadway tickets....it’s the jackpot for us tonight! Who knew we were this hot? Next year, more of us will go in. They love us! Maybe we’ll do a calendar....”