Lease a Man

Please Re-Lease, Don’t Let Me Go.....

I have a coworker who is young, thin, beautiful and intelligent, but I like her in spite of her faults. The first time I saw her she was wearing pants that appeared to be spray painted on, with strange curved seams. I thought it was a new fashion.

Last week, I looked over at her desk and she had a framed picture of a HORSE on her desk. I thought that was weird. Then I looked above and she had several pictures of the horse on her bulletin board. I commented that she must really love her horse. She said she did and added that he was leased.

“Leased?” I asked incredulously. “You can lease a horse?”
“Yeah. That way you can trade up for a better horse as your riding skills increase.”

I’ve heard of leasing cars, but a horse? A living thing? Initially, I thought this was off the map of logic.... but then again.....that’s where I live.

“Well, why don’t you just leave him?”
“I would Mom, but why bother? His lease is up in a few months and I can trade up.”
“Oh, I keep forgetting the new Male Marital Lease Laws. We were always stuck with them you know, for years and years, until we went through an expensive divorce. Now, you kids just have to wait till the lease is up. I think it’s wonderful.”
“I have my eye on this really nice man I saw in Sag Harbor. I think he’ll be available to lease just as I’m free.”
“Is it a trade up, honey?”
“Oh, yeah Mom. He has a better job than this one. I checked his bank statements. It will take me five years to max out his credit.”
“That’s so nice. We haven’t been on a real shopping trip in a long time. Do you have to have relations with him?”
“Yeah, they always expect it. But you only have to be good at it for about six months. By then I’ll have us in a new house and he’ll have to work two jobs to make the mortgage, he’ll be too tired to bother me.”
“And what about the kids darling?”
“I’m trading them in too. I’m sick of their attitudes and their messes.”
“Are you going to get more, or be childless for awhile?”
“Childless for this next Marriage Lease, Mom. I want to relax for this one. After this I might lease some kids who are just about ready to leave for college. They’re a lot more expensive, but you only have to see them at holidays.”
“Your sister just got a new husband.”
“What? She didn’t tell me!”
“Well, she wasn’t really looking. She was just visiting her friend Sherry in the city, on a shopping spree when they walked by a restaurant. She saw him in a window and just had to have him.”
“She has a real problem with impulse leasing... I hope this doesn’t end up like the last one. Those early turn in fees really killed her finances.”
“Oh, that construction guy. Wasn’t he something?”
“Who knew the human body could produce so many sounds and smells? He was gross. I never understood why she kept him as long as she did.”
“You’ll understand when you’re a little older, dear. Sometimes it’s just easier to keep a man that’s already broken in to all your likes and dislikes. He was gross, but remember how he used to rub her feet and cook for her?”
“Yes, I remember. Why can’t you get everything you want in one man?”
“You can’t, baby. That's why the new lease law is so nice. You get some of what you want with every man and leasing really works better with your life because you need a different kind of man at different stages.”
“Thank goodness for President Clinton, Mom. I know you didn’t vote for her, but you have to admit, she sure has come through for the girls team!”

Pissed Off Pilot!

Maybe he should have used a Palm Pilot....

AP Sat, Apr 7 Las Vegas: A Northwest Airlines flight was canceled because the pilot was yelling obscenities during a cell phone conversation while people were boarding, and cursed one passenger, a federal official said Saturday.
The pilot of the Las Vegas-to-Detroit flight was apparently in a heated cell phone conversation in the cockpit, then went into a lavatory, locked the door and continued the conversation, ..."Passengers who were boarding the aircraft could hear his end of it." Authorities were told that the pilot cursed one passenger who confronted him. There were 180 passengers and five crew on the flight to Detroit. ...Passengers were accommodated on other flights to their destinations. They also were given meals and hotels during any additional time in Las Vegas.

“Julia, I cannot have this conversation NOW! You know I’m already on board!
Well, can’t it wait till I get there? It’s only a two hour flight. Why are you crying? Don’t cry Julie, what did you do? WHAT IS IT, JUST SAY IT FOR F...K’S SAKE!”

“Captain, please.... you need to keep it down.”

“Fine! I’ll go in the bathroom! Will that make you happy?”

“Sir, just keep it down... the passengers....”

“Scr...the passengers!” Slam!

“Okay Julie, I’m in the can. Just spit it out!
What about my car? You’re talking about the Chevy right? Not the Porsche. You didn’t drive my Porsche, right?
Julie...JULIA! Repeat after me....I did NOT drive the Porsche. Just say it!
Ahhhhhh, noooooo, not my new car..........what were you thinking?
Well, if you weren’t driving it who was?
Roger? Roger who? Roger Wilcox? My co-pilot? Are your sh....g me? I’ll kill him!
Wait a minute... what was he doing driving my car? Why is he at the house? Is that why he’s not on this flight with me now? Because he’s there?
He’s there NOW? No, don’t put him on the phone - tell me WHY he’s THERE Julie!
What problems? We aren’t having any problems....since when?
Where were you and Roger going in my new car when he drove it through the back wall of the garage?
Of course I’m shouting, you slut! You’re leaving me in MY new car????
(Knocking at the door) “Captain, I really hate to disturb you, but.....”

“Good! Then don’t!” Slam!

“Julie, so help me God, you better be there when I get home and Roger too so I can kill him!”

(Sheriff arrives on board, addressing Head Flight Attendant) “I don’t know, Officer... something about killing someone named Roger. He sounds really upset.”

“This is the Sheriff! Open the door, Captain! Okay, let’s hear your story, Mac”

“911? Hello again. This is Margaret Johnson, the Head Flight Attendant, we just spoke. Yes, the Sheriff came. Yes, they talked for a few minutes. I don’t know, now they’re both trying to fit in the bathroom and scream at the person on the other end of that cell phone. Something about a broken porch on the garage...”

Coloring Easter Eggs and Homicidal Ideation

Every Bunny Loves Some Bunny Sometime

“WHY do I have to do this, Shelly?”
“Because you’re a parent, Joe. Now sit down and when she comes in, look interested.”
“I can’t look interested in coloring eggs. This dye is going to get all over my fingers and I’m going to have to go to work with multicolor fingers tomorrow.”
“Man up, will ya? The dye won’t touch your fingers if you use this wire dipper.”
“This flimsy thing? This won’t support an egg...my father didn’t color eggs. We did this with our mother.”
“You are sooo not getting out of this.....”
“What’s all this stuff?”
“This is the Deluxe Easter Egg Decoration Kit. Stickers and wax crayons, so she can design, the dye doesn’t take where wax is.”
“You’re not serious. When did they add all this crap?”
“It’s not crap. It’s Easter Egg art. It encourages creativity in children. If you don’t encourage your daughter’s creativity, she’ll be on Oprah in ten years complaining how you stifled her.”
“Not if we sell her to Sudanese slavers first....”
“Tried it already, they want too much to take her....”
“What are these strips for?”
You hook them together, reinforce them with tape and they create a little stand for the egg.”
“A stand? I thought we were just going to throw them in a basket?”
“Some eggs are so beautiful, they get their own stand. You just have to ooooo and aaaaahhhh.”
“Yuck and bleecckk are out? Shouldn’t she learn early to handle the truth?”
“She is our child, Joe. Truth will never be part of our relationship, just lying, manipulating, and empty threats. And we can expect the same from her.”
“What happened to honestly, love, kindness, Shelly? All the stuff in the psycho books?”
“That’s overrated. It’s just to sell books. Don’t think for one minute that they have it any more together than we do. Besides, the people who wrote those books have never lived in this house. How long do you think a stranger could stand our delightful Catherine?”
“Catherine the greatest six year old lying con artist on the planet?”
“That’s the one....”
“Maybe we should send her to them as a test case.”
“Good idea in theory, Joe, but Dr Phil, the current psycho king, has only raised boys. He thinks girls are innocent, sweet, and guileless.”
“Please can we send him Catherine? So he can have a learning experience?”
“No, Joe, it’s too cruel. I don’t want to watch him drink hemlock on his show. But it might knock Anna Nicole Smith out of the news....”
“What’s the latest on her? Is she still dead?”
“Yes, but she was buried with a camera, so we get regular reports on all the networks.”
“Oh, thank Gawd.”
“Alright... we’ve got six colors in six cups, three dipping things, stands, crayons, stickers, paper towels, and two dozen eggs. I think we’re ready for Catherine. Call her in, Joe.”
“Can I have a shot before I get her?”
“No liquor Joe, not now. We’ll have drink after it’s over. I have the pre-prepared Pina Colada mix in the blender in the fridge. Let her in.”
“Hey Catherine! Where’s my Easter bunny?”
“Daddy!!!”
“Hey, look ...we got everything ready....eggs, pretty colors, stickers...we’re going to dye Easter Eggs this morning! This’ll be fun!”
“This is stupid ! I hate real eggs ! They smell ! I told Mommy - I just want chocolate bunnys and chocolate easter eggs. Don’t you ever listen to me? You’re not good parents. Patty has nice parents. Her parents bought already-decorated eggs. They didn’t make her do it herself! They don’t treat her like a slave! I don’t know why they can’t adopt me!”
“NO! SHELLY! STOP! Put down the toaster oven! Catherine, go to your room! You’ve upset your mother. Put it down, baby.... she isn’t worth it....that’s my girl...let go of the toaster.....you just sit here. I’ll get the Pina Colada’s.”
“I spent the last two hours boiling eggs, Joe. Setting up cups, melting dye tabs...”
“I know, I know....listen, we’ll sit here and color eggs together. Just you and me, okay?”
“Okay, I don’t care.”
“Sure....don’t cry, baby... look, I’ll put one egg in each cup to get us started. We’ll turn this into a nice morning.”
“What about.....HER?”
“Don’t think about HER. She’ll be gone in twelve years. We just have to hang on.”
“We shouldn’t have drinks at ten o’clock in the morning.”
”It’s that or we kill the child, Shelly.”
“Make it a tall one, Joe.”