Lease a Man

Please Re-Lease, Don’t Let Me Go.....

I have a coworker who is young, thin, beautiful and intelligent, but I like her in spite of her faults. The first time I saw her she was wearing pants that appeared to be spray painted on, with strange curved seams. I thought it was a new fashion.

Last week, I looked over at her desk and she had a framed picture of a HORSE on her desk. I thought that was weird. Then I looked above and she had several pictures of the horse on her bulletin board. I commented that she must really love her horse. She said she did and added that he was leased.

“Leased?” I asked incredulously. “You can lease a horse?”
“Yeah. That way you can trade up for a better horse as your riding skills increase.”

I’ve heard of leasing cars, but a horse? A living thing? Initially, I thought this was off the map of logic.... but then again.....that’s where I live.

“Well, why don’t you just leave him?”
“I would Mom, but why bother? His lease is up in a few months and I can trade up.”
“Oh, I keep forgetting the new Male Marital Lease Laws. We were always stuck with them you know, for years and years, until we went through an expensive divorce. Now, you kids just have to wait till the lease is up. I think it’s wonderful.”
“I have my eye on this really nice man I saw in Sag Harbor. I think he’ll be available to lease just as I’m free.”
“Is it a trade up, honey?”
“Oh, yeah Mom. He has a better job than this one. I checked his bank statements. It will take me five years to max out his credit.”
“That’s so nice. We haven’t been on a real shopping trip in a long time. Do you have to have relations with him?”
“Yeah, they always expect it. But you only have to be good at it for about six months. By then I’ll have us in a new house and he’ll have to work two jobs to make the mortgage, he’ll be too tired to bother me.”
“And what about the kids darling?”
“I’m trading them in too. I’m sick of their attitudes and their messes.”
“Are you going to get more, or be childless for awhile?”
“Childless for this next Marriage Lease, Mom. I want to relax for this one. After this I might lease some kids who are just about ready to leave for college. They’re a lot more expensive, but you only have to see them at holidays.”
“Your sister just got a new husband.”
“What? She didn’t tell me!”
“Well, she wasn’t really looking. She was just visiting her friend Sherry in the city, on a shopping spree when they walked by a restaurant. She saw him in a window and just had to have him.”
“She has a real problem with impulse leasing... I hope this doesn’t end up like the last one. Those early turn in fees really killed her finances.”
“Oh, that construction guy. Wasn’t he something?”
“Who knew the human body could produce so many sounds and smells? He was gross. I never understood why she kept him as long as she did.”
“You’ll understand when you’re a little older, dear. Sometimes it’s just easier to keep a man that’s already broken in to all your likes and dislikes. He was gross, but remember how he used to rub her feet and cook for her?”
“Yes, I remember. Why can’t you get everything you want in one man?”
“You can’t, baby. That's why the new lease law is so nice. You get some of what you want with every man and leasing really works better with your life because you need a different kind of man at different stages.”
“Thank goodness for President Clinton, Mom. I know you didn’t vote for her, but you have to admit, she sure has come through for the girls team!”