I HATE School Concerts !

I hate school concerts. To me they are sheer torture, hours of it. Yet, if I didn't attend those horrible concerts, I'd be branded a bad parent.

Take our Shelter Island School Concerts, please. Each and every concert is four hours of indescribable sounds and is always an experience one never forgets. I have indelible memories of those concerts. I frequently sat near another parent named James, our kids were in the same grade.
“Sally, I can see the earplugs. Take them out. That’s cheating. We all have to listen to every note that is played or sung.”
“Please, I need them. Just for the second grade portion, then I promise to take them out.”
“No. There’s a tolerance curve involved here. Getting through the first graders makes the second graders sound better and the effect is progressive. If you skip a grade, then, when you do take the earplugs out, your brain will explode.”
“Alright. But don’t leave me.”
“We’re all here, Sally. This whole auditorium is filled with parents and grandparents, whose devotion I think is exceptional.”
“Oh, don’t let those grandparents fool you. They’re all turning off their hearing aids. Watch. See how they discreetly reach up like they’re scratching their ears? They aren’t kidding me.”
“What song are the third graders singing, James?”
“I can’t make it out. Just smile, damn you.”
“What key are they in?”
“All of them, now smile!”
“How long do I have to hold this smile, my cheeks are starting to hurt.”
“When you have to rest from smiling, look down slightly, and dab an imaginary tear from your eye. That’s allowed. Your kid will think you were so moved you cried.”
“That works?”
“Oh yeah. Works great. My kids think I’m the greatest Dad in the world.”
“Do you think it has anything to do with giving them money and spoiling them?”
“Nah. It’s the tear thing. They think you really love them if you cry when you watch them.”
“Well, I’m always crying by the end of these concerts.”
“Yeah, but Sally, it’s not the same. You run for the exit screaming, “Let me out! Please God, I’ll do anything.” It took four parents to stop you the last time and frankly we’re tired of it. If we have to stay, you have to stay. We don’t want to cause any psychological damage and have these kids appear on Jerry Springer complaining about us.”
“I bet Perlman parents don’t have to go through this.”
“Sure they do, but with speeches added on the front end.”
“Oh no, not speeches!”
“Yep. Be glad for what you have. Besides, someday, these kids will grow up, have kids of their own and they’ll have to sit in these very seats and go through this too.”
“Poetic justice.”
“And we’ll be the grandparents sitting behind all the parents.”
“With our hearing aids off.”
“And iPods in.”
“Listening to the Moody Blues.....I love it.”