How to Look Good Naked - NOT!!!

That Touch of Mink

Let me start off with a disclaimer that I have lots of gay friends, so I don’t want anyone writing any letters that I'm gaybashing. However, I reject the assumption that being gay means you automatically have better taste than a straight person. Style, taste and decorum are not linked to sexual preference.

With that said, I’m going to kill Carson Kressley. He’s so far over on the ego dial, the next click starts over with Mother Theresa. He’s so far over on the gay dial, the next click starts over again at Russell Crowe. I know he has periods, because he obviously has PMS as we see from all his hissy fits. "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" was bad enough for embarassing straight people, now he’s gone too far with his new show, "How to Look Good Naked".

Somehow he has convinced otherwise intelligent and socially appropriate women to appear on camera in their underwear. I think he does it to gross out straight men and increase the gay population, and I bet it’s working.

You see, there’s a reason for clothes. People weren’t naked in Prehistoric times for very long. Our ancestors were content as gatherers until the first scarry hairy female cromagnon girls sat naked across the camp fire from the boy cromagnons. They took one look at things they never wanted to see and promptly decided to find something for the girls to wear, even if they had to steal the skins off of animals! In the process of separating the skin from the meat, some meat fell into the fire and that’s where they got the inspiration for Barbeque. If those first female cromagnon girls hadn’t shown up, we’d all still be vegetarians today and none of us would have any nice furs.

Ever since then, it’s been a fact that people look better with their clothes on. The only exception is the very young, or the very nipped and much tucked. The rest of us know better and we also know it’s only a matter of time before those perfect people end up in sweats with the rest of us.

Now Carson is swimming upstream. Under the guise of “freeing themselves” he’s getting women who are far from perfection to face full length mirror’s in their underwear which is A} cruel to the woman B} brutal on the film crew C} unthinkable as entertainment. He even got a group of them to march in the street in bras and panties. They should have surrounded and eaten him.

This would never have happened on Shelter Island.
“Stop where you are Ms. Flynn, we’ve got you surrounded!”
“You’ll never make me put on my clothes again, Officer! I’m free of shame, I’m proud of who I am, I love my body!”
“You are alone in this pursuit, Ms. Flynn. Don’t move. We have weapons drawn. Now, Officer Smith is going to hand you a tarp.”
“NO! No tarp! As a matter of fact, I’m taking off the bra and panties! Carson is right! I want to feel the air touch my skin!”
"Who the hell is Carson?"
"Carson Kressley, the gay man who is devoted to setting straight fat girls free!"
"We don't give a damn what the takin' it up the butt boy says! Don’t take anything else off, Ms. Flynn! Officer Johnson went blind and two of my other officers are throwing up in the bushes. You have to stop! Okay, Ms. Flynn....Sally.... I just got a note from the Town Board, they’ve got a real mink coat being helicoptered in now. The note says it’s dyed red, your favorite color. Now won’t you be a nice lady, Ms. Sally, and take the mink so we can all go home?”
“You think I’d sell out my authentic existential awakening for a fur?”
“Okay, we’ll send it back.”
“Well, you’ve already gone to trouble of getting it..... what size?”
“Tall girl, half acre, just like your shirt tag said.”
“I am feeling cold. Oh it’s here! It’s gorgeous!”
“Okay, I’m handing it to you on a stick. That’s a good girl, you just put on that mink and go home.”
“Do I have to pay the Town back?”
“No, Ms Flynn, it fit the criteria for the Emergency Disaster Relief Fund.”