I Got More Rolls Than a Bakery...

The Scarlett C

Apparently I struck a real chord with last week’s theme about society’s tacit approval of TV shows that humiliate overweight people; shows like How to Look Good Naked and Biggest Loser, that are sold to the public as “entertainment”. But, we fatties can’t hog the spotlight. Television goes after anyone with a problem and calls it ‘entertainment’.

For a society that allegedly values privacy, we have completely sold out. The new thinking seems to be, I’m entitled to privacy, but you’re not. And the more problems you have the less privacy you’re entitled to (Brittany Spears, case in point). It wasn’t so bad when we just invaded the privacy of celebs, because the money we pay to see their movies and listen to their music entitles us to have them hounded, harassed and hunted for our additional entertainment. But now, with shows like Intervention, we are going after anyone whose humiliation we can watch. The Networks say they broadcast this crap ‘to inspire others to get help’, oh please, like the Networks care about you. I think these shows encourage the exact discriminatory and judgmental attitudes they portend to discourage.

“Sally, what are you doing sitting here? When the hell did Shelter Island get punishment stocks and start locking people in them? And why are you in your red mink?”
“Hi Joyce. New orders from Suffolk County. I’m the first person to be put into the Town’s new Mea Culpa, Youa Laugha program. You know last week when I walked through town in my underwear and the Town bought me this mink for a cover up?”
“You made the front cover of the local paper.”
“Well, the PETA people found out that I like to wear fur so I have to do public penance because a group with media coverage says so. And of course, because I let it all hang out, the Town says I have to put it all back in, so I have to hold out this cup while I sit here and beg for money to go on Jenny Craig.”
“That’s outrageous! Nobody can tell somebody else what to do, this is still a free country!”
“Apparently not. SlimFast, TrimSpa, Weight Watchers, and other diet companies are coming by to take picture of me. I won the “Before” Picture of the Year award and they all get to use me in their ads. But Dr. Phil will be by around 3 to do a show on why the diet people shouldn’t exploit me. After him, around 4, Barbara Walters is coming by to ask me if I feel exploited by Dr Phil.”
“This is nuts, Sally! How long does this go on?”
“Just 9 am to 6 pm daily until the Town stops getting offers on me. They’ve almost made enough to put a new roof on the school. The Town has me signed up for the show Intervention, they get me last.”
“But that’s a show for drug addicts.”
“Right, Dateline NBC was here this morning filming me for their new expose, Carbohydrates are the New Crack. They’ll establish the addictive properties of carbohydrates and by the end of the week, 98% of the country will be classified as addicts, they call us Carbies.”
“Now I feel terrible. I brought you coffee and a buttered roll from Fedi’s.”
“Oh, thanks! I haven’t had a thing to eat since they locked me in these stocks at 7 am this morning.”
“I thought you said this punishment started at 9 am?”
“Yes, the appointments do, but the driveby humiliation starts early so people can point and laugh on their way to work.”
“You don’t seem upset.”
“Nope. I caught a glimpse of whom the Town is locking up in the coming weeks. Do you how many druggies, drunks, carbies, smokers, tokers, cheaters, liars, chocoholics, caffiends, and nail biters this town has?”
“Sally, I fit two of those categories!”
“I know, you’re scheduled for a week in May. The weather should be nice. I’ll come sit with you. I’ll bring my Yatzee game.”
“NO! Not fair! Everybody in town fits into one of those categories!”
“Don’t panic, the Town is building more stocks. The new ones will have cup holders and little canopies, very chic, the latest in public humiliation.”
“What this hacksaw on the ground?”
“Oh, that’s if you can’t stand it anymore. You can pick up the hacksaw, a sensor in the handle triggers a camera somewhere and it records you sawing off your legs for freedom. They put the footage in a movie and you get residuals.”
“Oh my gawd, I need a drink.”
“Join the club, babe.”