Shelter Island Isolation

Island Vision

CableVision claims to give all its customers excellent service, but it ignores the needs of the two thousand residents of Shelter Island. CableVision should assign one of its executives to live on the Island through a winter, then they’d understand.

We need CableVision to stop running commercials that unfairly torture us and run commercials that we can use.

We don’t have any chain or franchise stores here; no McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, KFC, nuthin’. Every time we see a commercial for a Whopper, we cry, because to get one means a $15 ferry ride and a 45 minute drive to Riverhead. A Whopper costs us nearly a hundred bucks, twenty for the ferry and gas, and another eighty for the food. Eighty for food? Hell yes. As soon as anyone finds out you’re making a fast food run to Riverhead, they put in orders, “If you’re going to Burger King, can you loop through McDonalds and get me......?”. You return with a car full of food. You have to have an extra bag of fries to eat on the way back so you don’t pull over and raid all the bags. Once you’re on the ferry, you have to remember to open the window only a crack to give the ferryman your ticket, you must not let the aroma of Big Macs, Whoppers and fries escape! If you do, they’ll call friends to intercept you on your way home and McSteal your McStash.

All the movie commercials need to stop. The closest theater is a ferry ride and a half hour drive after that. Movies cost us about $50; $20 for ferry and gas, $30 for tickets and treats. Unless it’s a four star movie, it’s not worth our time.

All the Viagra and similar commercials to be banned on Shelter Island in the winter. We don’t have any time for that. Winters are financially tough for everyone, there’s not many full time jobs, most are part time. Most Islanders work three part time jobs (I have four) to keep going. Nobody has any time for Viagra, we have to get to work.

We don’t have a Macy’s, Penny’s or any big store, so all those sales just make us sad. The Home Depot ads are especially hard on the men. They see rows of hardware in the commercials, rows and bins of stuff they can’t pick through. It’s just so sad to see a grown man pointing to the TV showing a sale on Table Saws and whimpering, “I want that. I could go there and get that today if I didn’t live here.”

We hate the e.harmony matchmaking commercials. We just know that one of the compatibility questions will be; Where do you like to live?
A] City with lots of excitement
B] Urban community with access to many activities
C] Country where it’s peaceful and quiet
D] On an isolated island off the east coast with absolutely no amenities.

We need Island oriented commercials. A glow in the dark ferry ticket holder that clips on your car visor. A set of special headlights that signal to the ferries in morse code: “I’m an Islander, I know I missed the last boat, but please come back and get me or promise to feed my cat in the morning.”

We need commercials for memory booster pills; “Live on Shelter Island? Can’t remember who’s related or married to whom? Take MemoJack and the next time someone asks,”Is he a Clark or an Olinkiewicz? YOU will know the answer!”

Or a mini-generater; “Electric out again because some moron in Sag Harbor or Greenport hit a pole? No problem with Black & Decker’s new Island Home Buzz Me Big Boy portable mini generator!”

We need magnetic car panels. On Shelter Island, you are identified by your car. If you get a new car you practically have to announce it in the paper. If you sell your car to another Islander, all hell breaks loose from the confusion. We need big 2 foot square magnetic car panels that we can put on the drivers door that announces our name, or any change in ownership, or any other intentions; “Used to be a Kaasik car, now owned by a McGayhey” or “Going in for repair, I will be in a loaner next week”.

A Venison Teleportation Device is desperately needed here. “Tired of the deer eating everything in your flower or veggie garden? Tired of seeing those commercials about children starving in the third world? Solve two problems at once with the New Ronco Doe Go! Space Age Teleporter. The next time you see a deer munching on your rosebuds, aim Doe Go at her, and in a flash, she’s dinner for a whole village!”