Just a few notes to start off the summer on Shelter Island.
Watch out for early morning commuter traffic > Happens all over the Island when two work trucks, traveling in opposite directions, stop in the road to converse. They stay there talking until each truck has three beeping cars behind it.
Dare Devil Entertainment > Coming out of Fedi’s, balancing two or more cups of piping hot coffee and Danish's, dodging cars to get to your car parked on the opposite side of the road.
Morning News > Have breakfast at the Pharmacy or Pat & Steve’s to get all the up to the minute news.
Sound bite > No time to stop and get news, but you just need a sound bite of the latest item? Drive slowly past Crissy Gross the Crossing Guard with your window down and yell on approach, “Crissy, what’s the latest?” She’ll give you three updates by the time you roll past her.
School Rules > Please remember that the school stubbornly insists you take home the same child you dropped off. You can’t trade to upgrade in the parking lot, I know, I’ve tried.
No ganging up on treaders > When you see someone treading for clams in the water, you cannot call friends and organize an attack strategy to get the bag as they exit the water. Shelter Island is very strict about this. If you want to steal freshly tread clams, you have to do it yourself, mano a mano. I generally approach the treader as they’re coming out of the water and say, “I think your car is on fire! I’ll hold your bag, you go check the car. I’ll wait right here.” They hand me the bag and run to their vehicle. By the time they realize their car is fine, I’m home melting butter.
Car Notification Program > As I’ve said before, all the men on Island know you by your car. When you get a new, or just different, car, in addition to NYS registration, inspection and all that other stuff, you have to tape a big note to your drivers side door for 15 days announcing that this is your new vehicle.
Cyclist Crunch Limit > All Islanders are limited to running over three cyclists per tourist season. More than three, you need a special permit from the Board.
Honor the Honor System > Most of the little farm stands on the Island have a coffee can for you to leave payment. If you’re a tourist, don’t screw this up. Whether you’re a local or tourist, if you can’t put $5 in a coffee can for fresh veggies or flowers, get the hell off the Island.
No Pointing > One complaint tourists have, and they are right, is that the Island does not provide enough public restrooms. So, when you see a tourist heading into the woods from the roadside, no staring, pointing or laughing please.
MapQuest > When a tourist asks for help as they stand there next to their car with an open map of the Island, resist the urge to get them lost on purpose or tell them that the last boat is at 6 PM and they’d better get in line now.
Island Selective Hearing > There are official periods of time when all Islanders are deaf. At the annual tree lighting in the village square. Despite the variety of keys being sung, you will only hear one key. School Concerts, they are good for the kids and no matter what you hear, it’s Mozart.
Mooning > Mooning tourists is limited to mooning the last boats that leave the docks on summer nights. Underwater mooning, so popular last year, must be reduced. Mooning snorkeling tourists, when we all know things look bigger under water, is mean. They think they’re being chased by a giant soft shell clam.
Sycophant Classes > There’ll be a class held this summer for those who need to polish up their kissing up skills in order to gain access to a boat. What will be covered? How to identify someone who has a boat. How to help them realize how much better their boating experience will be with you on board. Beer selection. Making club sandwiches. Dealing with people who have identified you as a mooch; ways to throw them overboard.
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