Frankly, Scallop, I Don’t Give A Clam

The Shelter Island Reporter recently described a disappointing scallop harvest this year, as opposed to a huge harvest last year, the biggest since the brown tide hit the East End in the mid eighties. The truth is, it would have been another banner year I suppose, if I had known the Island was going to keep such close track of these things.

“Step out of the car, please, Ms. Flynn.”
“Why? I didn’t do anything.”
“Breath into this breathalyzer, please.”
“What? It’s 4 P.M. and I don’t drink anyway. What are you testing me for?”
“You blew a .24 for salt water Ms. Flynn. How many scallops have you eaten today?”
“What? I don’t know, breakfast, lunch, why are you asking?”
“We’re going to conduct a road side test for bi-valve consumption. Walk this line with your eyes closed while balancing this test scallop on your head.”
“This is stupid. Since when did scallop consumption become a problem?”
“Since you and a handful of other people decided that since we had such a good year last year, it was open season for scallops. It’s bad enough the way you single handedly decimate the clambeds here, Ms. Flynn, you don’t need to consume every available scallop we have. And that’s the third time you’ve dropped the scallop off your head. You’re listing to one side, your pitch and yar is clearly impaired. You’re being cited for being Shellfish Selfish. Please open your car.”
“Shellfish Selfish? That covers half the people on the Island!”
“Can you explain this? There’s a buschel of clams and a half buschel of scallops in your trunk, four packs of Nathan’s hotdogs, soft drinks and six bags of chips? What do you call this, Ms. Flynn?”
“I’m calling it a good time. I’m going to a barbecue at the McGayhey’s.”
“They eat a lost of shellfish, do they? The McGayhey’s? Are they bringing clams and scallops too?”
“Oh, ah.....no, they never touch the stuff. This is just my supply. I’ll be the only scallop trollop there.”
“This bumper sticker, “Will Trade Sex for Lobster”, doesn’t help you, Ms. Flynn, please have that removed before any other women get any ideas.”
“Hell, I know women that will trade sex for mussels.”
“Well, so do we and we know where that leads. Mussels are a gateway shellfish. A little butter, a little garlic and soon they’re craving clams, then scallops, and look where that has gotten you.”
“Please sign here, it is not an admission of guilt, just an admission that you were caught dead to rights and you are aware that we will be raking your over the clambeds of justice very soon.”

Shelter Island Summer Reminders

Just a few notes to start off the summer on Shelter Island.

Watch out for early morning commuter traffic > Happens all over the Island when two work trucks, traveling in opposite directions, stop in the road to converse. They stay there talking until each truck has three beeping cars behind it.

Dare Devil Entertainment > Coming out of Fedi’s, balancing two or more cups of piping hot coffee and Danish's, dodging cars to get to your car parked on the opposite side of the road.

Morning News > Have breakfast at the Pharmacy or Pat & Steve’s to get all the up to the minute news.

Sound bite > No time to stop and get news, but you just need a sound bite of the latest item? Drive slowly past Crissy Gross the Crossing Guard with your window down and yell on approach, “Crissy, what’s the latest?” She’ll give you three updates by the time you roll past her.

School Rules > Please remember that the school stubbornly insists you take home the same child you dropped off. You can’t trade to upgrade in the parking lot, I know, I’ve tried.

No ganging up on treaders > When you see someone treading for clams in the water, you cannot call friends and organize an attack strategy to get the bag as they exit the water. Shelter Island is very strict about this. If you want to steal freshly tread clams, you have to do it yourself, mano a mano. I generally approach the treader as they’re coming out of the water and say, “I think your car is on fire! I’ll hold your bag, you go check the car. I’ll wait right here.” They hand me the bag and run to their vehicle. By the time they realize their car is fine, I’m home melting butter.

Car Notification Program > As I’ve said before, all the men on Island know you by your car. When you get a new, or just different, car, in addition to NYS registration, inspection and all that other stuff, you have to tape a big note to your drivers side door for 15 days announcing that this is your new vehicle.

Cyclist Crunch Limit > All Islanders are limited to running over three cyclists per tourist season. More than three, you need a special permit from the Board.

Honor the Honor System > Most of the little farm stands on the Island have a coffee can for you to leave payment. If you’re a tourist, don’t screw this up. Whether you’re a local or tourist, if you can’t put $5 in a coffee can for fresh veggies or flowers, get the hell off the Island.

No Pointing > One complaint tourists have, and they are right, is that the Island does not provide enough public restrooms. So, when you see a tourist heading into the woods from the roadside, no staring, pointing or laughing please.

MapQuest > When a tourist asks for help as they stand there next to their car with an open map of the Island, resist the urge to get them lost on purpose or tell them that the last boat is at 6 PM and they’d better get in line now.

Island Selective Hearing > There are official periods of time when all Islanders are deaf. At the annual tree lighting in the village square. Despite the variety of keys being sung, you will only hear one key. School Concerts, they are good for the kids and no matter what you hear, it’s Mozart.

Mooning > Mooning tourists is limited to mooning the last boats that leave the docks on summer nights. Underwater mooning, so popular last year, must be reduced. Mooning snorkeling tourists, when we all know things look bigger under water, is mean. They think they’re being chased by a giant soft shell clam.

Sycophant Classes > There’ll be a class held this summer for those who need to polish up their kissing up skills in order to gain access to a boat. What will be covered? How to identify someone who has a boat. How to help them realize how much better their boating experience will be with you on board. Beer selection. Making club sandwiches. Dealing with people who have identified you as a mooch; ways to throw them overboard.