The Hundredaires Club

Hundredaire Matchmaker's Club

I love watching the Millionaire Matchmaker's Club. It amazes me that even a multimillionaire can be a schmo or a total jerk. I don't know why I tend to think sometimes that money automatically improves manners or morals. A rich moron is just a moron with a staff - there's a frightening thought.

I think there should be a matchmaker's club for the average guy, the Hundredaire's Club I'll call it. Same as the Millionaire's Club, just scaled way down....

Joe: "I think I meet all your criteria, Sally, I got two hundred bucks in the bank, my rent is paid up, no cut-off notices, and I got one paid of dark trousers and one shirt that fits without the buttons pulling to wear on a date. Also, I got a boat."
Sally: "That's terrific! You qualify. Tell me more about the boat."
Joe: "It's a Boston Whaler, about five years old....new poles...cooler....new anchor....she can pick out new boat cushions...."
Sally: "I know I can get you a nice Island girl, Joe. Tell me what you're looking for."
Joe: "Natural blonde, big blue eyes, pretty face, about 5'5", 110-115 pounds, big rack, not over 22."
Sally: "Joe, look at this piece of furniture, have you ever seen one of these before?"
Joe: "I think maybe, in a catalog. Sure is big and shiny."
Sally: "We call it a full length mirror, Joe. Stand in front of it."
Joe: "Okay, now what?"
Sally: "Do you see a well muscled, six foot tall man of 25 with a full head of hair, flat stomach and a full set of shiny white teeth?"
Joe: "Not exactly, but very close."
Sally: "Very close? Any chance you see a 40-ish man with grey thinning hair, jowls, a paunch, and smoker's teeth?"
Joe: "Nope, that's not what I see. Where'd you get this trick mirror anyway?"
Sally: "Don't feel bad, Joe, every man sees himself as 25 no matter how old he gets. But we must be realistic. The women you want, the petite natural blondes with the big racks, they're all registered with the Millionaires Club, not with the Hundredaires Club. I try to match nice average people with each other. Think for a minute, besides looks, what else do you really want in a woman?"
Joe: "A good cook would be nice, especially if she makes good lasagna."
Sally: "Now you're talking, Joe! I got eighteen women in my registry that love to cook Italian. What else?"
Joe: "Well, a girl that likes to work on a boat would be great. A sports fan would be a big plus."
Sally: "You're singing my tune, Joe. You want a baseball or football fanatic?"
Joe: "You got some baseball girls?"
Sally: "Do I have baseball girls? Joe, I'm lousy with 'em. What do you need? Mets fan? Yankees? Red Sox?"
Joe; "Gimme a Yankees girl!"
Sally: "Yankees fan, that cooks Italian, loves to work on boats...... let's see... I got three potentials for you, and one is a natural blonde, plus she's Polish like you."
Joe: "Uff da! I'm in love already, who's the lucky girl?"
Sally: "She lives in Mattituck. Will you commute for love, Joe?"
Joe: "Geez, I dunno, those long distance relationships never seem to work out."
Sally: "The other two are Island gals, one is a dyed blonde the other is a brunette."
Joe: "Lemme think a minute... so to get a real blonde I got to use up ferry tickets...."
Sally: "Life is full of tough choices, Joe, to use our ferry tickets, or not to use our ferry tickets, that is always the question. The dyed blonde has a better figure than the brunette, but the brunette owns a house."
Joe: "Stop! My head is spinning! Real blonde versus ferry tickets, good figure versus a house....I never thought I'd have so many choices."
Sally: "I told you, Joe. I can't get you a 10 unless you're a 10, but a 7 with moonlight in a martini, equals a 10. The dyed blonde used to work in a strip club in her youth."
Joe: "I'll take the dyed blonde! Why should I hold her past against her? Everybody's got a past right? So she went a little wrong..."
Sally: "That's right, Joe, and when a woman goes wrong, a man goes right after her."