Driving

Driving Me Crazy

You get very "islandized" living on an island. You think differently about the off-island world...

There are many different reasons for going off-island. Some people go shopping, some go to see relatives, some even work off-island and have to make the trip back and forth every day. When off-island, for whatever reason, it's important to remember that the ways of the off-island people are not the same as Islanders.

When off-island:
1. Do not assume you can park anywhere close to your destination. If you go to BJ's or some other big store, you may have to park across an entire parking lot. Take a pen and sketch a map on your palm of where your car is.
2. If you have parked in some obscure corner of a big parking lot, don't assume you will remember where you parked when you emerge from the store, you probably won't, that's why you should have made a map on your hand like I told you.
3. Don't bother asking off-islanders if they saw where you parked your car. Only Islander's know each other's cars and pay attention to where you parked, or should not have parked, your car.
4. Don't talk to off-islanders in a grocery store. They don't know what's available at the local farm stands to supplement what you're buying in the store, nor do they care. Very few off-islanders can carry on a conversation about squashes and cooking techniques, for more than two minutes. Off-islanders have Podcasts News broadcasts, which they download on their computers. Islanders have Peapodcast News, which is standing in the produce isle in IGA and either listening in, or participating in every conversation. After 20 minutes, you'll be completely caught up on everything going on on-Island.
5. You can drive faster than 40mph off-island. Please remember that. Off-islanders have this thing that you have to go zooming along on their big fancy highways, I've often hit 50mph myself. They can't stop and smell the roses, because you can't even see them at those blazing speeds.
6. There are traffic lights off-island. Since no one can take turns off-island, the government has had to step in and hang up boxes to tell you when it's your turn to go. The yellow light seems to be open to interpretation, but I notice that women think it means Stop and men think it means Speed Up!.
7. All the food we see advertised on television is obtainable off-island. If you buy some, put it in a big black plastic bag and don't open it until you get home and close your shades. If the ferry workers smell french fries, you'll feel so guilty, you'll have to hand them over. If your neighbors see you bringing bags of fast food into your house, they'll think of a reason to visit and you'll end up cutting your Big Mac into halves or quarters. Lesson here; if you can't bring enough for everybody, have the decency to hide what you have.
8. Resist asking off-island cashiers to hurry up, or you'll miss your boat. They'll always look at you like you already have...
9. If you're single, avoid dating off-islanders. Unless they're very wealthy and marriage minded, it's never worth the ferry tickets. One of the reasons that Islanders divorce and marry other Islanders is the natural drive in human nature to conserve ferry tickets unless you have at least three reasons to go off-island.
10. Many off-islanders don't even know where Shelter Island is, always remember the Shelter Island rules. If off-islanders ask where we are, don't tell them. If they ask for directions, misguide them. Confirm all rumors that the government conducts germ warfare tests on Shelter Island. Tell them that one way ferry tickets cost $50. Tell them the ferries are very safe, we only lost a few hundreds people last year from ferries overturning and sinking.

The off-island world is strange, their customs different, but still, we can avoid contamination through diligence, misguidance, blatant and non-blatant lies, treachery and flame-throwers.