The Shelter Island Tonite Show!

Shelter Island Tonite!

After seventeen years, Jay Leno is down to his last few weeks as host of The Tonight Show. For his first ten years as host, I was still saying, "I'm watching Johnny Carson." Johnny was such a consistent presence in my life from childhood up, that I felt a real loss when he announced his retirement and then disappeared off the radar altogether. Now, when I've finally gotten used to Jay and memorized all his staple routines ( I love Monday Night Headlines), he's leaving me too. Conan O'Brien takes over soon. Conan is okay for someone who thinks his staring contests with guests are funny, but I always switch to Craig Ferguson on The Late Late Show after Letterman, he's very original and spontaneous. I'm okay with Letterman, but only watch if he has a guest I want to see. So I guess when Jay leaves, I'll have to train myself to watch Letterman, it won't be easy, but these things happen in life. You just never know when your TV viewing will hit a speed bump and disrupt your insomnia. Of course, if Shelter Island, which has its own channel, had a late night show, I'd have a real choice again.

Announcer: "Shelter Island Tonite! with your host, Bill McGill. Tonight's guests are; Sarah Schmopit, Winner of the 2009 Seashell Yard Design, and Harry Bicker, with fascinating tales of a Shelter Island Taxi driver, and lastly, we have a demonstration of the new routine from the Shelter Island Lion's Club Power Mower Racing Team."

Bill: "If you've never seen our Power Mower Racing Team, folks, it's a real treat. Using synchronized mowing, they mow a design in the huge lawns on Shelter Island, the homeowner just has to host a barbeque. The accuracy and amount of detail in the design is directly dependent on whether they mow before or after the Barbeque. Before the barbeque, you can get a replica of something elaborate, like Washington Crossing the Delaware, after the barbeque, you might get "Budweiser" spelled in big letters across the lawn. Crop circles have nothin' on our boys and their John Deere's!

Bill: "Before we call out Ms Schmopit, we have a few announcements; low tide will be at 5:54AM. If you're new to clamming, get out there by 6:30AM to get in a good two hours. If you're old to clamming, stay in your own clambeds. We only have one cop on at that hour and if he has to come down and break up another clam rake duel, he'll permanently confiscate the rakes of the involved parties.
We have a 10mph breeze expected from the southeast bringing warm weather. It'll be a perfect day to put up a little canvas, but if you feel the need for speed, call your friend with an outboard.
Remember to bring your own bags and egg cartons to the farm stands. If you're trading, use the Island's pound for pound exchange rate. You can pick up a pound of zucchini if you leave a pound of shellfish. Two beers counts as a pound and also one ferry ticket counts as a pound for exchange purposes. If you observe an off-islander abusing our honor system, get their license number and call this show. We will publically humiliate them at no charge and their car will be clammed by the next islander who sees them. That's right off-islanders, I said clammed, not keyed. It's illegal to use your car key to scratch someone's car, however nowhere in New York State or Federal law is there any law regulating the use of mollusks.
And now, let's welcome Sarah Schmopit! Tell us Ms Schmopit, where did you get the inspiration to replicate the Eiffel Tower in sea shells in your front yard?"

Sarah: "Call me Sarah, Bill. I got the inspiration from seeing a picture of this thing in Paris, which as you know, is quite off-island."

Bill: "Ah yes, the off-island influences, they are all around us all the time. It's hard sometimes to choose which information we want from the off-island world."

Sarah: "Well, my husband and I built this replica, six feet tall you know, and we improved on the original design."

Bill: "You improved the engineering design of the Eiffel Tower? That's impressive! What did you do exactly?"

Sarah: "Well, our tower features four built in bird houses and green and red, port and starboard, lights on the top. Just think, if the original tower in Paris had port and starboard lights, how much easier it would be for pilots to steer the airplanes to the right of the tower. I guess the French, drinking all that wine, never thought of that..."

Bill: "Well, it just proves the point that there's not much in the off-island world that we can't improve on here."