Get Out Of Jail Free

" Assc Press Thu Jul 30, 9:04 pm ET
FRASER, Mich. – A game of Monopoly has landed a Michigan man in jail. WDIV-TV reported a 54-year-old man was playing the board game Saturday night with a female friend when he tried to buy Park Place and Boardwalk from her. When she refused, Fraser police Lt. Dan Kolke told WWJ-AM he hit her in the head, breaking her glasses. The man was arrested and charged with misdemeanor assault and battery."

The poet Maya Angelou said, "You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights." I would like to add to this list; waiting in lines, getting the wrong order from a fast food place, and playing board games - in particular playing Monopoly.

Monopoly is a board game patented by Charles Darrow in 1935 and published by Parker Brothers. The game is named after the economic concept of monopoly, the domination of a market by a single entity. He modeled the game after the market crash in 1929 which brought on the Great Depression. Monopoly is the most commercially-successful board game in United States history, with 485 million players worldwide.

Frankly, I can't understand why the police would arrest someone for assault as a result of playing Monopoly. Anyone who has ever played the game by it's real rules knows that all players risk being assaulted or being the assaulter with every nerve grating turn trying to get past Park Place and Boardwalk and make it to Go / Payday. Especially if someone has managed to get a few houses on the one of those spots or worst of all, if they've gotten a hotel on Boardwalk. No one who lands on Boardwalk with a hotel gets out alive. It usually means the financial ruin and ultimate downfall of the player who has landed there. The ruined person usually throws their top hat, shoe, or car, at the s.o.b. who owns Boardwalk and then throws what few white ones and pink fives they have left, into the face of the bloodletting, money hungry Scrooge who has forced them out of the game. Naturally there are fights, assaults, and homocides, associated with Monopoly.

Some people make the argument that forcing other players out by creating Monopoly empires is the whole point of the game, that the last player with the most money wins. These are the people who want to play by the actual rules printed on the inside of the cover of the box. These are the people who, as long as they are winning, say, "It's just a game, why are you getting all upset?" But, if they are losing, they scream, "You're cheating! That's not the way the game is played, give me the rules, I'll show you!" Then they re-interpret the rules to their advantage. That's right, Republicans.

When my family plays Monopoly, we add a few rules. 1. If you run out of Monopoly money, you can use real money. No joke, we have all used real ones, fives, tens and twenties till we got to Paypay to get our Monopoly $200. 2. Personal loans are allowed. The Republicans in the game vehemently object to this concept, but only until THEY need a loan.
3. The rules say if you land in Jail you have to stay there for three turns or pay $50 to get out. We allow prorating. You can serve a one or two turn sentence and pay $18 per day if you're short on cash, or you can take a personal loan from another player. If you're the poorest player in the game and you land in jail, you can get out after a one turn sentence and a one dollar fine under our Early Release Program for the underprivileged. 4. We take a Sharpie marker and change one of the Beauty Contest Opportunity Knocks cards into a Get Over Boardwalk or Park Place Free card.

When my family plays the game, no one is forced out. Which is nice, but then the game never ends. Usually after about three hours we just all agree to stop, because some of us have other things to do in our lives, or the beer and pizza is all gone. The person with the most in money and assets wins. Any gloating by the winner will definitely end in assault, a real assault, not just the normal pinching and slapping and threatening that occurs naturally during the course of the game, but a real, bounce beer bottles off the winners head, assault.

When a journalist friend of mine left for a new position, I gave her a wallet with a genuine Monopoly "Get Out Of Jail Free" card in it. Why? Because she's a journalist and in case she ever got in trouble and held in contempt for refusing to reveal her sources, I wanted her to know she had something to fall back on.

It's pretty clear to me that the officer who arrested that man for a Monopoly assault either has never played the game, or is a Republican who never won the game.

Your Place, or Twine?

I thought the coverage of Michael Jackson's death would never leave the airwaves! But the next most important event has already taken over. As I'm sure many of you have seen in the papers and on all the news, my birthday is coming on July 31st. I share my birthday with Jackie Kennedy and Mae West. Three great women on one day. I've asked everyone not to overspend on me this year. It is not necessary to mortgage your house to buy me a gift when selling your vehicle will suffice. I'm short on ruby jewelry, I need a villa in Tuscany, and a boat.

This next birthday is a big one. The kind that makes you wonder where the hell has all the time gone? Days are long, but years are short. It also makes me reflect on what, if any, wisdom have I attained? What pearls can I impart to the younger people? I had to think a very long time, but I came up with a list, some of them are my own thoughts and some are borrowed.

1. "Don't run with scissors." I received this advice from my Kindergarten teacher, Miss Ross, and it has applied throughout my life. Don't run with scissors. I also found, "Don't Poke Other People With Your Fork" and "Don't Pop Your Lunch Bag" to be useful during my youth.
2. "Life is a series of meetings and partings. " (A Christmas Carol). How true this is. The Greeks said, "When man plans tomorrow, the gods laugh." The next person you meet, the phone call you get, can change your life. Be flexible, be prepared. Be ready to help someone, be ready to have a good time, be ready to sit with a sick or grieving friend. Half of life is just showing up.
3. "Sometimes it's time to leave, even if there's nowhere to go." (Oscar Wilde). Leave when it's time for you to go. Sometimes you have to leave a person, sometimes a place, sometimes a job. You always have that funny feeling when it's time to go and if you ignore it, it usually ends badly and you regret not having followed your intuition. You should only ignore your intuition if you're sure you're going to get something really nice, like a house, or a lot of money. For that, you can put up with any odious person or situation until you get the payoff and then you can afford therapy in your lovely new surroundings in case you have any guilt feelings.
4. A man with a boat is worth two men with trucks. A man with a house is worth two men with boats. A man with a house on Ram Island is worth hiring the men with trucks and boats to set up a blackmail scenario where the only solution is to marry you without a pre-nup.
5. There is no such thing as "enough jewelry." If a man says that to you, ask him if he has "enough tools."
6. The natural look is for women who can't handle their cosmetics.
7. Don't go overboard with hairdye. There comes a time in life when your gray is conspicuous by its absence. My mother, who is older than me, still dyes her hair dark brown. I did an experiment this year and let my hair grow in naturally. I admit it is a frightening sight. But since I stopped dying it, it has gotten thicker. I now bear a strong resemblance to Albert Einstein, but that will lessen as soon as I have my moustache waxed.
8. Get to the water. There is no problem I've ever had that wasn't helped by spending time looking out over the water. It clears my mind, which I admit is a small job in my case, but still, it helps you think. In addition to clearing your mind, the water can also hide the bodies of your enemies, always a handy piece of information to know.
9. Boomerang gossip via twiner. Common here on the Island. Boomerang gossip is when you say something that comes back around and hits you in the ass the next day. Twitter is the newest way to share information on the internet. On the Island, we have Twiner. Go hang out at the Dumps, the IGA parking lot or the school parking lot and all the information/news/gossip you need will roll past you like an unwinding ball of twine on a mission to ensnare, entangle and otherwise entwine fascinating tidbits of information; some will be true, some not, but twiner, like twitter, goes for speed, not accuracy.
10. Be nice. It takes as much time to be rude as to be nice, so be nice. Oh, and of course, don't run with scissors.

1969, the Best of Times, the Worst of Times...

MCMLXIX: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

1969

As July 20th, 1969, approaches, the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, I think those of us who were there are reflecting on what an incredible year of highs and lows it was. George Carlin said, "If you can remember the sixties, you weren't there." I remember rampant experimental drug use. I could get LSD in high school - yes, even on Shelter Island. I recall violent anti-war protests and civil rights protests. It seemed like you barely processed one horrific event on the news before you were hit with a new one.
Still, my memory of where I was when I saw the moon landing is crystal clear. Like when Kennedy was shot. I recall every detail. I was at my boyfriends house and everyone was glued to the television. The feeling of fear we all had. So much could go wrong. What if something happened and they couldn't get back? Were their calculations right? How deep was the moon dust? That was a big question. Was it a few inches deep or would they sink into a quicksand of grey dust? The poor quality black and white transmission was fuzzy and stark at the same time. America watched every second of this historic event, the whole world watched.
I feel privledged to be one of the people to have witness the event. But I envied my grandmothers generation. Her generation witnessed the invention of the car, airplane and telephone, and were still present to see the moon landing. She saw more "firsts" than I ever will.

I don't think any years were more jam packed with events than 1968 and 1969. We had such extremes. In '69 we had the moon landing and the Manson murders. Here's a little stroll down memory lane.

Some More Firsts:
* Golda Meir became the first female Prime Minister in Israel. * The first Boeing 747 appeared. * Monty Python's Flying Circus first airs in the United Kingdom. * Dave Thomas opens his first restaurant in a former steakhouse on a cold, snowy Saturday in downtown Columbus, Ohio. He names the chain Wendy's after his 8-year-old daughter Melinda Lou (nicknamed Wendy by her siblings). * The Stonewall riots in New York City mark the start of the modern gay rights movement in the U.S. * Sesame Street premieres on the National Educational Television (NET) network. *The first Gap store opens, in San Francisco. * Reported as being the year the first strain of the AIDS virus (HIV) migrated to the United States via Haiti.

* Richard Nixon succeeded Lyndon Johnson as the 37th President of the U.S.
* The last issue of the Saturday Evening Post, famous for it's covers by Norman Rockwell, hit the stands. It is the end of a publishing era. * Super Bowl III; NY Jets play the Baltimore Colts. * Chappaquiddick > Senator Ted Kennedy’s car accident, which took the life of Mary Jo Kopechne, ended any chance of a shot at the Presidency for him. * U.S. President Richard Nixon and South Vietnamese President Nguyen Van Thieu meet at Midway Island. Nixon announces that 25,000 U.S. troops will be withdrawn by September. * ( I love this one) The New York Times publicly takes back the ridicule of the rocket scientist Robert H. Goddard published in 13 Jan 1920 that spaceflight is impossible. * The Harvard University Administration Building is seized by close to 300 students, mostly members of the Students for a Democratic Society. Before the takeover ends, 45 will be injured and 184 arrested. * March on Washington to protest Viet Nam, estimated half a million marchers. * VP Spiro Agnew called the protesters "effete snobs". Later he resigned his office for tax evasion. * The "miracle" New York Mets win the World Series, beating the heavily favored Baltimore Orioles 4 games to 1. * Black Panther Party members Fred Hampton and Mark Clark are shot dead in their sleep during a raid by 14 Chicago police officers. * Vietnam War: The first draft lottery in the United States is held since World War II (on January 4, 1970, the New York Times will run a long article, "Statisticians Charge Draft Lottery Was Not Random"). * An army platoon is said to have raided a Vietnamese village and then allegedly following the orders of Lieutenant William Kelly shot down every villager; men, women and children. The Pentagon is investigating the matter, and Lieutenant Kelly charged with murder will go on trial in early 1970. * My Lai Massacre: Lieutenant William Calley is charged with 6 counts of premeditated murder, for the deaths of 109 Vietnamese civilians in My Lai. The death of Ho Chi Minh, the ineffectiveness of the peace talks, and the withdrawal of American troops seemed to have little effect on the war.
* 1969 was a year of airplane hijacks, most of them to Cuba. Over 50 times, planes have been diverted to a destination other than the one they started out for. *Woodstock - the defining event of my generation. *Jan 30, the Beatles perform for the last time as a group; Soon after Paul marries Linda Eastman and they form the band Wings. *John Lennon marries Yoko Ono, they later host a televised "bed-in" for peace. *Charles Manson's "family murder the eight months pregnant actress Sharon Tate and others. *Diana Ross leaves the Supremes. * Simon and Garfunkel air TV special Songs Of America, an hour-long show that is anti-war and anti-poverty featuring live footage from their 1969 tour. *1776 is a hit show on Braodway

And the next generation arrived on the heels of love beads, burned draft cards and the sound of a Green Tamborine.
Brian McKnight, Ice Cube, Marc Anthony, Sean Combs, Gwen Stefani, Bobby Brown, Jason Bateman, Jennifer Anniston, Javier Bardem, Chastity Bono, Rodney Atkins, Renee Zellweger, Cate Blanchett Tracey Gold, Steffi Graf, Josh Holloway, Jennifer Lopez, Midori Ito, Edward Norton, Christian Slater, Matthew Perry, Diane Farr, Catharine Zeta-Jones, Hal Sparks, Brett Farve, Nancy Kerrigan, Gerard Butler, Ken Griffey, Jr., , are among those born in 1969

Shell Beach, Paradise Lost

Shell Beach has re-opened after road repairs (as much as you can repair a dirt road), hallejah! Shell Beach, where many an Island teen couple has done unbelievable things in cars. Ahhhhh, the men, the memories, if only I had that flexibility now... I could be in Cirque de Soleis!

Shell Beach has an unmarked hidden access road that only locals and summer people know. Knowing the secret entrance is like knowing how to get into the Bat Cave.
"You go down here and turn between the maple trees."
"Yea, but Alice, the whole street has maple trees, how do you know where to turn?"
"I know. Like a blind person knows their kitchen, I just know..."
"Ah, you're relying on Divine Intervention."
"No, Divine Direction. It practically takes an Act of God to find the road."

For as long as I can remember, the road was half the fun of going to Shell Beach. The huge dips and hills were a stress test for the shocks on any car. It's actually the only spot on Long Island where a Hummer or Land Rover is warranted as a vehicle of choice. It was especially challenging after a rain. How deep was the puddle? Up to the rims? Up to the car handle? You never knew. Slamming up and down in the car with the seat belt cutting into your neck and hot coffee flying. What fun.

It was always interesting and often educational to search for an unoccupied spot along the road. The road is flanked with little pockets of half hidden mini-beaches that are often clothes optional. I tried sun bathing au natural once, but an Island guy in a truck pulled up and threw a big tarp over me. It wouldn't have been that insulting except for him driving the tent pegs in all around me to hold the tarp down. Sun bathing is terribly over rated. Sand gets in places you didn't know you had and didn't especially want to discover. When I was fifteen, I saw my first nude men there. They didn't look anything like my younger brothers. They required hours of study, assisted by a few of my school friends. Thinking back, I can't believe they didn't hear a gaggle of giggling girls hiding in the beach grass.

At the end of the road is Shell Beach with a 360 degree view of the water. My favorite days are when Mom and I grab some big delicious sandwiches and drinks from Fedi's and go sit on that beach chatting away - but carefully. Sound carries in strange ways there and you often hear entire conversations taking place. It's involuntary eavesdropping.

On graduation night, the Seniors go to Shell Beach and the local police just put a car at the end of the road so that no one can enter or exit without them knowing and no booze can get on the beach. That's why we had to go there the day before and bury all the beer in the sand ahead of time....the only problem would be most of the cops are locals and they know that trick. In which case, it's best to bury the beer two or three days ahead of the planned inebriation.

The beach is good for wading, but not swimming. There's no lifeguard. Strong currents swirl around the little Island peninsula and you can be on your way inbound to Coecles Harbor or outbound to Montauk or Orient Point in just a few minutes. But if you have some company you'd like to be rid of, it's a good place to tell them to swim. When my children we young and irritating, especially when my daughter was in the brat stage, from age 8 to 21, I took her there to swim many times. But she's always been such a good swimmer, she always made it back to the beach.

It will be strange now, driving on the road without risking overturning the car. I'm not sure if it will still be popular as a lovers lane. With the advent of cell phones that can take and email pictures to other people or straight to the internet, illicit romance just won't be as fun as it used to be. There's nothing that will kill the mood like sixty people showing up and peering in the windows of the car. I just hate it when that happens...

English Made Easy

Life is Just a Bowl of Cherries

Linguists report that English is the most difficult language to learn. It has more words than any other language and it is the only language that has exceptions to every single rule. To be proficient, a new speaker has to learn all the rules and all the exceptions. English is primarily based in latin, with about a third of our words derived from French origins and another portion from germanic languages. You can learn english the right way, or the short way.
I believe the fastest way to learn conversational English is to just study all the food references. It makes learning English a cakewalk. Let me exemplify...

Liver lips Louie was a fishfaced, meathead, with cauliflower ears, butterfingers, and egg on his face half the time. He was in love with Lil McGill, she was the apple of his eye, a real sweet girl with a peaches and cream complexion. She wore her hair in cornrows. The two of them were like peas in a pod.

Louie could be a little rough sometimes, especially when he was in his cups and the whiskey started talking. He'd get beer muscles and get all stirred up over nothing. Somebody might yell, "Hey, who cut the cheese?" And Louie would whip the guy to a standstill. Louie always seemed to be in a jam, which is not the same as being in a pickle. It takes a little longer to get out of a jam, but all Louie had to do was simmer down and be prepared to eat a little humble pie.

Louie loved Lil, but she was a little light in the bulb department, a few sandwiches short of a picnic some might say. But she knew which side her bread was buttered on. Louie was the breadwinner. He brought home the bacon and together their lives were a piece of cake.

Until Tony came along. Tony was Lil's brother, a real couch potato. He was a big talking cowardly turkey, but too chicken to admit it. Tony would mooch off of them whenever he could. He was always in hot water with Louie. Tony would provoke Louie and always manage to bite off more than he could chew. Louie was always cool as a cucumber around Tony, but when Louie had enough, he'd launch Tony through the air and out the front door like a hot knife through butter. Tony would scream a protest as he flew over, but Louie would yell back, "That's the way the cookie crumbles!" Tony knew his goose was cooked and it was time for him to mooch on.

Lil would always feel terrible about her brother the mooch, but Louie told her, "No use crying over spilt milk, baby."
"Ahhh Louie," she'd respond, "whoever said we wasn't meant to be together don't know we're happy as clams."
"You're the only one for me, Lil. I'm sorry I gotta throw your brother out, but if he's gonna dish it, he'd better learn to take it!"
"Yeah, if he can't take the heat, he should go to the living room."
"You mean get outta the kitchen."
"Who's in the kitchen?"
"It's an expression, Lil, like saying 'he got toasted'".
"Tony was drinking in my kitchen?"
"No, honeybun, never mind."
"Speaking of buns, Louie, you'll never guess what's in the oven..."
"Oh Lil! A little quarter pounder?"
"Yep. I wanna name him Kale."
"I'm so happy, Lil! Poke me with a fork, I am done!"