English Made Easy

Life is Just a Bowl of Cherries

Linguists report that English is the most difficult language to learn. It has more words than any other language and it is the only language that has exceptions to every single rule. To be proficient, a new speaker has to learn all the rules and all the exceptions. English is primarily based in latin, with about a third of our words derived from French origins and another portion from germanic languages. You can learn english the right way, or the short way.
I believe the fastest way to learn conversational English is to just study all the food references. It makes learning English a cakewalk. Let me exemplify...

Liver lips Louie was a fishfaced, meathead, with cauliflower ears, butterfingers, and egg on his face half the time. He was in love with Lil McGill, she was the apple of his eye, a real sweet girl with a peaches and cream complexion. She wore her hair in cornrows. The two of them were like peas in a pod.

Louie could be a little rough sometimes, especially when he was in his cups and the whiskey started talking. He'd get beer muscles and get all stirred up over nothing. Somebody might yell, "Hey, who cut the cheese?" And Louie would whip the guy to a standstill. Louie always seemed to be in a jam, which is not the same as being in a pickle. It takes a little longer to get out of a jam, but all Louie had to do was simmer down and be prepared to eat a little humble pie.

Louie loved Lil, but she was a little light in the bulb department, a few sandwiches short of a picnic some might say. But she knew which side her bread was buttered on. Louie was the breadwinner. He brought home the bacon and together their lives were a piece of cake.

Until Tony came along. Tony was Lil's brother, a real couch potato. He was a big talking cowardly turkey, but too chicken to admit it. Tony would mooch off of them whenever he could. He was always in hot water with Louie. Tony would provoke Louie and always manage to bite off more than he could chew. Louie was always cool as a cucumber around Tony, but when Louie had enough, he'd launch Tony through the air and out the front door like a hot knife through butter. Tony would scream a protest as he flew over, but Louie would yell back, "That's the way the cookie crumbles!" Tony knew his goose was cooked and it was time for him to mooch on.

Lil would always feel terrible about her brother the mooch, but Louie told her, "No use crying over spilt milk, baby."
"Ahhh Louie," she'd respond, "whoever said we wasn't meant to be together don't know we're happy as clams."
"You're the only one for me, Lil. I'm sorry I gotta throw your brother out, but if he's gonna dish it, he'd better learn to take it!"
"Yeah, if he can't take the heat, he should go to the living room."
"You mean get outta the kitchen."
"Who's in the kitchen?"
"It's an expression, Lil, like saying 'he got toasted'".
"Tony was drinking in my kitchen?"
"No, honeybun, never mind."
"Speaking of buns, Louie, you'll never guess what's in the oven..."
"Oh Lil! A little quarter pounder?"
"Yep. I wanna name him Kale."
"I'm so happy, Lil! Poke me with a fork, I am done!"