Your Place, or Twine?

I thought the coverage of Michael Jackson's death would never leave the airwaves! But the next most important event has already taken over. As I'm sure many of you have seen in the papers and on all the news, my birthday is coming on July 31st. I share my birthday with Jackie Kennedy and Mae West. Three great women on one day. I've asked everyone not to overspend on me this year. It is not necessary to mortgage your house to buy me a gift when selling your vehicle will suffice. I'm short on ruby jewelry, I need a villa in Tuscany, and a boat.

This next birthday is a big one. The kind that makes you wonder where the hell has all the time gone? Days are long, but years are short. It also makes me reflect on what, if any, wisdom have I attained? What pearls can I impart to the younger people? I had to think a very long time, but I came up with a list, some of them are my own thoughts and some are borrowed.

1. "Don't run with scissors." I received this advice from my Kindergarten teacher, Miss Ross, and it has applied throughout my life. Don't run with scissors. I also found, "Don't Poke Other People With Your Fork" and "Don't Pop Your Lunch Bag" to be useful during my youth.
2. "Life is a series of meetings and partings. " (A Christmas Carol). How true this is. The Greeks said, "When man plans tomorrow, the gods laugh." The next person you meet, the phone call you get, can change your life. Be flexible, be prepared. Be ready to help someone, be ready to have a good time, be ready to sit with a sick or grieving friend. Half of life is just showing up.
3. "Sometimes it's time to leave, even if there's nowhere to go." (Oscar Wilde). Leave when it's time for you to go. Sometimes you have to leave a person, sometimes a place, sometimes a job. You always have that funny feeling when it's time to go and if you ignore it, it usually ends badly and you regret not having followed your intuition. You should only ignore your intuition if you're sure you're going to get something really nice, like a house, or a lot of money. For that, you can put up with any odious person or situation until you get the payoff and then you can afford therapy in your lovely new surroundings in case you have any guilt feelings.
4. A man with a boat is worth two men with trucks. A man with a house is worth two men with boats. A man with a house on Ram Island is worth hiring the men with trucks and boats to set up a blackmail scenario where the only solution is to marry you without a pre-nup.
5. There is no such thing as "enough jewelry." If a man says that to you, ask him if he has "enough tools."
6. The natural look is for women who can't handle their cosmetics.
7. Don't go overboard with hairdye. There comes a time in life when your gray is conspicuous by its absence. My mother, who is older than me, still dyes her hair dark brown. I did an experiment this year and let my hair grow in naturally. I admit it is a frightening sight. But since I stopped dying it, it has gotten thicker. I now bear a strong resemblance to Albert Einstein, but that will lessen as soon as I have my moustache waxed.
8. Get to the water. There is no problem I've ever had that wasn't helped by spending time looking out over the water. It clears my mind, which I admit is a small job in my case, but still, it helps you think. In addition to clearing your mind, the water can also hide the bodies of your enemies, always a handy piece of information to know.
9. Boomerang gossip via twiner. Common here on the Island. Boomerang gossip is when you say something that comes back around and hits you in the ass the next day. Twitter is the newest way to share information on the internet. On the Island, we have Twiner. Go hang out at the Dumps, the IGA parking lot or the school parking lot and all the information/news/gossip you need will roll past you like an unwinding ball of twine on a mission to ensnare, entangle and otherwise entwine fascinating tidbits of information; some will be true, some not, but twiner, like twitter, goes for speed, not accuracy.
10. Be nice. It takes as much time to be rude as to be nice, so be nice. Oh, and of course, don't run with scissors.