Keeping Your Cool

How did we survive without air conditioning? We didn’t have air conditioning anywhere I can recall when I was a kid except at the movies and high end stores. Not even the library. None of the schools had air conditioning. I remember the teachers opening the tops of huge windows with a long rod that would tilt the big upper windows inward, then opening the bottom windows as high as they’d go. We might be allowed to have a fan in the room on the really bad days, other than that we just sweltered as we studied, we didn’t have the energy to organize a rebellion. It was too hot to do anything, even to think. Looking back now, as bad as I remember it for us kids, it had to be worse on the adults.

I believe there is a direct inverse ratio to a persons age and their ability to endure the heat. The younger you are, the more you can endure. The older you are, the closer you move your lazy-boy to the air conditioner. To be cool is to be calm. To be cool is to not lose your temper because someone is running the water in the kitchen just a few seconds longer than you do while performing the same task.
“How long are you going to run that water, Louise? How much does it take to boil corn?”
“I have to clean the pot first, Dad. We steamed clams in it yesterday and it has all those little clams bits stuck to the sides.”
”Well, hurry up! We don’t need to be running up the water bill, the electric is going to be bad enough this month. Speaking of which, did you get the mail today?”
“No. Mom picked it up when she went to the store.”
“Well tell her to bring it to me. Tell her I know the water and LIPA-suction bill came and tell her there’s no sense in hiding them from me.”
“Okay, Dad, just let me get this water on the stove. I have to go outside and shuck the corn. When I see Mom, I’ll tell her you want her.”
“I don’t want her, I just want the mail.”
‘You want a cold beer, Dad?”
“At ten in the morning?”
“It’s supposed to go to 97 degrees today. Mom bought you some Guinness Lite.”
“She knows I drink Bud and she bought me Guinness? Was she in a fender bender?”
“No, everything is fine. She just thought, on such a hot day, you’d like the good stuff.”
“Did she buy the beer before or after she picked up the mail? And look at me when you answer.”
“I don’t know, Dad.”
“Liar. Where’s your mother?”
“Geez, you can already feel the heat coming on. I’ll get you a brew. Mom got you some shrimp too, it’s on ice in a tupperware bowl, but I think it’s chilled enough to eat now. Why not live it up a little and have a shrimp brunch?”
“She bought shrimp too? How big is the water and electric bill, Louise?”
“Daddy, please don’t put me in the middle. I won’t be able to find Mom until you’ve had your second beer.”
“I won’t yell at you or your mother or your sisters and your ....your ....hairdryers, hair straighteners, hair curling irons, phone chargers, stereos, computers, television sets, video games boxes, Tivo’s, Schmebos, or any other completely unessential electronic that runs up the bill. I won’t even start on the length of time it seems to take one of you to shower or brush your teeth, or how many times a day I hear the washing machine go on.”
“Daddy, your face is bright red. Do you want a beer or a Xanex? I’m not getting Mom until we have you sedated, I mean, until you are in a more relaxed state. It’s just money, it’s not worth having a heart attack over.”
“What was that clunk? Oh geez, Louise! My air conditioner went out!”
”Oh Gawd! Mom! Sharon! Paula! Get in here NOW! Dad’s air conditioner just died! Don’t worry Dad, we’ll get you in Paula’s car, she has the coldest A/C and we’ll pack frozen peas around your neck. Paula will get you over to the library. Sharon and I will run off Island and get you a new A/C. You don’t worry about a thing.”
“My air conditioner.....I can’t breathe...”
“The new high end air conditioners have remote controls, Daddy, just think about that.”
“A remote for my A/C? You’d get that for your old Dad?”
“Yes, Dad. Just hold that happy thought. See yourself in your chair with a TV, DVD and a new remote for your A/C in just a few hours from now. Three remote controls, all for you.”
“Can I have my beer now? I can get one down on the way to the library.”
“Yes, Daddy, we’ll start your medication in the car.”

And that is why American’s say, “Whatever happens, don’t lose your cool.”