Last week in Dan's Papers, in his article, Temper’s Flare, Dan Rattiner wrote, “three fights that broke out in the Hamptons last week requiring police intervention. They seem to have involved the well-to-do as well as the not so well-to-do, and they seem to have taken place at all sorts of locations in the Hamptons-in Westhampton Beach, in East Hampton and on the Sunrise Highway at the East Quogue Exit. No place is safe. This has been an extraordinary week.”
The Hamptons had three fights in a week? If that’s too much for you, you’d better not come to Shelter Island, we can do three fights before noon.
We have fights organized into the following categories:
Work Fights: Almost always over money or timelines. These fights can be quite entertaining here where we have construction going on everywhere all the time. If you drive by and notice a room sawed away from the main house, as evidenced by the fact that you can see the wallpaper inside, there was a fight there, and the workman had the last word. If you drive by and see carpentry tools on the lawn beneath a broken window, the homeowner had the last word. If you see tools in the driveway that have obviously been run over, the homeowner not only had the last word, he literally drove it home.
Follow-Up Fights: For unfinished business of all sorts. For instance, the carpenter whose tools got run over in the previous paragraph will be at The Dory that evening plotting his revenge. If the homeowner leaves him alone, he’ll just get drunk and sleep it off. But if the homeowner stops at The Dory ostensibly for a drink, but in fact, to add insult to injury if he can, count on a follow-up fight.
Passive Aggressive Fights: I hate these types, but people engage in them all the time. If a woman is mad at a man, she should have the courage to take a hammer and beat the remote in front of him, rather than hide it so deep in the couch it would take an MRI Scan to find it, like I do. And if a man is angry with a woman, he should have the courage to leave a polite note on the table and stay at a motel off-island for 24 hours, rather than let the air out of her tires. Now that might appear imbalanced to the reader, but women are much better at passive aggressive anger than men. It’s really best for men to capitulate than fight back directly. We are born knowing ways to make you suffer that are so exquisitely devious they nearly qualify as an art form.
Fights at Family Gatherings: I don’t know much about these, they are normal interactions to me, we still call fights donnybrooks in my group. The family comes, we drink, we fight, we sing, the police come, we fight over who could have called them, then we drink and go home. Given a choice, Irish Americans will live close to each other, that way we never have to worry about normal neighbors calling the police, we just have to worry about how many neighbors will be crashing the hooley (party). Italian American party’s I’ve been to have some good fighting. But they seldom break any tables or chairs like we do. Plus their food is the best. I highly recommend living next to Italian Americans because you’ll never be fed better than at an Italian gathering.
Lover’s Quarrels: On Shelter Island, these can be a lot of fun because there’s no where to run to and any one can find where you hide. And most people on SI have been with other Islanders before the one they are with now, so when you listen to the really good fights on the front lawns, you can glean all kinds of fascinating secrets of the Island. If there’s a Lovers Quarrel on, be polite and just park your car close enough to hear, but not be seen, you don’t want to interrupt them. And NEVER shout your opinion from your car. If you have to give your opinion, get out of the car, walk over and join the fight. Protocol should be observed at all times. You wouldn’t want anyone to think you were uncivilized, or worse, un-Islandized.
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