Sep 2, 2010, AP “Scientists have identified a form of herpes as the culprit in a widespread viral outbreak that has killed as many as 8 billion French oysters in recent weeks. ... the discovery that 40% to 100% of oysters aged 12 and 18 months being raised in France's Atlantic cultivation beds had died. The reason, officials at the French Institute for Research Into Use of the Sea (Ifremer) say, is Oyster Herpes Virus type 1 (OsHV-1). “
Somewhere in a clam bed off the American Atlantic coast....
John: “Benny! Did you hear? The French Oysters have herpes. Didn’t we warn them? Didn’t we send that memo by the Pike Express - not to bed down in that damn Avian water? We told ‘em, you gotta be in salt water for the brine to wash out bacteria.....”
Benny: “C’mon John, the French have never listened to us. They hate clams, you know that. I told you we should have had the Scallops etch it into the Conch and then send it.”
John: “How come they like Scallops and not us anyway?”
Benny: “It’s the artsy thing the French have, they can’t help themselves. They love the artistry in the scallop shells, which you have to admit, John, is really impressive. That’s why our Clam de Soleil Circus failed. You just can’t get anywhere with the French shellfish unless you can produce a pearl or have a beautiful shell.”
John: “We produce pearls, Benny.”
Benny: “Yeah, but they look like little white pebbles and all they do is crack peoples teeth. Our pearls aren’t pretty, we don’t have any of that lacquer stuff they spit on the irritant.”
John: “Nacre, Benny, they have nacre.”
Benny: “Well I don’t care if they do it nacre or not, it’s still oyster spit.”
John: “You don’t suppose that virus could spread this far do you? It’s bad enough we have to deal with clamydia, I can’t imagine trying to explain how I got herpes to Jean.”
Benny: “We’ll have to avoid chewing on anything that crossed the Atlantic and then died.”
John: “How the hell will we know that?”
Benny: “We can start by avoiding anything wearing a beret or that smells like white wine, butter or garlic.”
John: “That’s a good start. When’s our next meeting with the scallops? We gotta tell them too, and the conchs.”
Benny: “The next meeting is the 15th, under the bridge by Jack’s Marina, second pole from the end. I figure if we start pumping our foot tomorrow we should make it there with time to spare.”
John: “Oh yeah, let’s get there ahead of the crowd this time before all the chum and gasoline are gone. Love that gasoline buzz....and the chum there is so good.”
Benny: “That’s where the humans got the expression, “Happy as a clam”, nothing happier than a clam nestled in fish guts with that trace of gasoline wafting through the water.”
John: “We only have one natural enemy here, those damn clammers. But the season is ending and soon the water will be too cold for those two legged monsters.”
Benny: “It would serve them right if we got herpes and gave it to them....I can just hear them now, “Honey, I swear, I wasn’t with nobody. I was at Bob’s eating clams on the half shell and barbecue. Call him, he’ll tell you”. “
John: “Ah, yes, in the words of Shellock Haddock, “Revenge is a dish that is best served iced on the half shell.....”
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