Zombies, Schmombies!

There is an overwhelming interest in Zombies and the dark forces in this generation. I think it’s very interesting that all the while Bill Maher tries to convince everyone that atheism is cool because he thinks God can easily be explained away, there’s a huge push on TV and in the movies to convince us that dark and Satanic forces are alive and thriving. I am so tired of Vampires, Werewolves, and Zombies, I could just kill myself.

On the other hand, Zombies could be very handy if you can get them under control. They don’t turn into bats and hang around in the barn all day like Vampires, and they are availble more often than just at the full moon like Werewolves.

Zombies could provide a great workforce. They can take simple direction - you just point them to where you want them to go and give them a shove. They can carry heavy loads. Just stick a hod on their backs and fill it up and give them a push and off they go! If they trip and fall on the job, there’s no workers comp to worry about since they’re already dead. I figure any WC claim they filed would take at least a year to process because that’s how long it would take to establish that they were verifiably non-living. The employer would have to provide their death certificate and then probably send them to an approved Worker’s Comp doctor to document a lack of vital signs.

An employer wouldn’t have to worry about health insurance with Zombies, or salaries. And forget paying Social Security taxes for them. Social Security uses death as a cutoff for payouts. So, even if you’re dead but still working, you can’t collect Social Security.

And that’s how Zombies would make money for the lawyers. Somebody would have to represent the Zombies in a group action and sue for compensation for work rendered and for equal rights to Social Security benefits. If the undead do the same job as the living, the pay and benefits have to be the same under the equal opportunity laws of this country.

But we might want to draw the line at letting them have driver’s licenses. Their sight, along with their eyes, seems to be the first things to go. I think the Police would be tempted to pull over every Zombie they saw, and then the Zombies could file suit for profiling. I think employers might prefer to pick them up each morning with a pick up truck and stack them in the back like cordwood and drop them off at the work site. I doubt that seatbelt laws would apply to them since seatbelts are designed to save lives and Zombies would be exempt by virtue of their death. They could carry around a little Zombie ID card that read “FKA (Formerly Known As) John Smith, DOB 7-21- 1962, DOD 12-31-2007, Race: green, Donor Status: No”.

Being a Zombie is really a rather liberated existence if you think about it. You don’t have to worry about your looks since your hair is falling out, and your skin is a constant challenge. You can wear anything you can find. You don’t have to worry about drinking too much since it will only serve as a preservative for you. You can finally conquer your weight problems since you’ll be shriveling up on a fairly consistent basis. You can smoke all you want and nobody is going to say, “Those things will kill you!” You can go swimming and never drown. Catching crabs would be easier than ever since the crabs would now be looking for you. You can lay on the beach all day and not worry about sun exposure - as long as you can keep yourself together you’ll be fine. Yes, I have to admit, there can be some real benefits to being undead.