Graduate and GET LOST!

Wailing and Whaling

It’s that time of year that destroys parents’ budgets; proms, graduation, graduation parties, graduation party DWI’s, graduation party arrests, graduation party bail bonds, graduation party pregnancies, graduation property damage lawsuits...ahhhh youth......

Some people divide America between Democrats and Republicans. I divide them between the golf people and the boat people. I don’t understand golf people much because I’m a boat person. Golf people are mean to me. I went golfing for the first time with coworkers years ago. They laughed at me all day because the only thing I could use was the putter. At the end of the day, in the pro shop, the pro said, “Show me your stance.” My coworkers, who were golf people, guffawed as a restrained smile came across the pro’s face as I lined up the curved side of the club with the imaginary ball on the carpet of the shop. Then he said to me, “You’re left handed.” I said, “Thanks, I know.” The pro excused himself to the back of the shop where he could laugh at me in private. That’s how I learned that golf people hate left handed people....

After my exposure to the golf people, I realized I was better off with my own kind. So I returned to the boat people whose ropes, crab nets and outboards don’t care if you’re right or left handed. Moreover, you don’t have to own a whole boat to be a boat person. Right now my boat consists of a very nice bell and some seat cushions. You’re allowed to acquire your boat slowly over time. I’m gathering all my deck stuff and coolers now. In time, I’ll put a hull under all this stuff and eventually some salt water under the hull. A lot of boat people acquire their boats this way, in incremental pieces. High school graduation, while an important passage in a parents’ life signifying their impending freedom, has drastic effects on their boat acquisition schedule.

As graduating Seniors look out into the audience, they will see their parents wailing. The kids will be thinking, “Gee, Mom and Dad are crying because they love me so much and they hate to see me grow up and leave them.” Maybe the golf parents will be thinking that, but not the boat parents. The boat parents will be thinking:

“$125 for prom shoes.....$87.50 for the graduation shoes.. why couldn’t she wear the prom shoes to graduation? I could’a got 6 pairs topsiders for her two crappy pairs.”

“Why do they need a limo to go anywhere? For the price of that limo rental I coulda got that used boat trailer. I got that nice outboard now....but what if I find a boat this summer ? I got no trailer.....”

“$472 for Prom dress? $256.32 for a school ring. $75 for a yearbook.... that could’a been mine...my mooring fees and maybe a little canvas...”

“$92 for rented tuxedo. $121 for puke removal from rented tuxedo. $168 for rented tuxedo shoes because he lost one on the beach.....could'a bought the polymer and brushes to refinish the deck.”

“$1157 property damage to repair the Smith’s fence... $750 to re-sod the tire tracks from their lawn....$538 to replace ceramic lawn trolls from Germany.... Look at him smiling at me from the stage, that little shit.... He thinks I’m crying because I’m sad to see him graduate and go. Tears of joy my man! The next boat you sink will be your own.”

“$368 for the gold class ring. She had to have the gold one. Had to have it, would die without it. She can’t find it now. It might be at Brittany’s house....it might be a Mike’s... it might be sleeping with the fishes....”Daddy, don’t be so materialistic,” she says, “it’s just a ring, what’s the big deal?” Paint, my dear, enough marine paint for the whole boat. You know my boat? The one sitting in the back yard because it needs PAINT?”

“That’s right, smile and wave at me, Kenny....you’re 18 in three days. You move out in four. But you don’t know that yet. You think Daddy and I got you that van for graduation because we love you. Bet you don’t know that the back seat flips down to create enough cubic feet for all your stuff, and most importantly, your sleeping bag..... Our new boarder will pay us $500 a month for your room and kitchen privileges. That’s right baby, Mommy’s smiling out here in the audience because she’s thinkin’ Boston Whaler, chilled wine, and Daddy in the moonlight ....”