Mother's Day? Oy Vey!

Happy Mother’s Day!

I have two friends who opted to stay on their professional career paths and not have children. They have plenty of money, drive late model cars, own their own houses. They know the differences between different cruise lines. They’ve been to several other countries. They have flat stomachs, few wrinkles, perky boobs, men still pursue them, and they are extremely happy with their choice not to have children.

I stayed in that group as long as I could until I got pregnant and then they threw me out! I tried to convince them that motherhood doesn’t necessarily follow pregnancy. I could leave the kid on the steps of a convent, or on a ride in Disneyland, or maybe in a booth in a restaurant... I figured somebody would notice it and pick it up. But they said they’d heard that before, and that if I looked at it after it was born, I’d probably want to take it home, then I’d probably feed it, and it would be all downhill from there.

They were right.. and two years later they were right again. But they were not right about it being all downhill. There are some plateau’s along the way and there is a bottom. I know for instance, that three or four weeks after I’m dead, I’ll be able to stop worrying about the kids. By that time I’ll have met with their guardian angels and reviewed their list of things to guard and I will make it clear to these angels, that I will be watching them, so they’d better not slack off.

For the career gals who just fell off the wagon and motherhood is now less than nine months away, here are my pointers and advice.
* Any kitchen utensils you can’t find, are outside in the dirt.
* You will have sticky floors and a filthy oven for the next eighteen years.
* To insure a clean refrigerator, invite your mother over at least once a month. If your mother is not the “I have to clean something whenever I visit my daughter” type, you can rent mine for $10 a pop. She not only cleans, she scolds your husband for not helping you more!
* If your hubby thinks that working 40 hours a week is equivalent to 168 hours a week (that’s 24 hours times 7), arrange to leave for a weekend and don’t leave him any instructions since he thinks it’s so easy. The kids won’t die and he will learn a lot.

My ex made it nearly 16 hours before calling me. He was napping on the couch when our 2 year old son beaned him with a full juice bottle. He woke to discover our 4 year old daughter loved making cakes from scratch and could turn on the oven herself; his wallet and one shoe were in the toilet; and the cat had vomited. I would have listened to his pathetic yammering, but I was pool side at a friend’s house and besides.....”how hard is it to watch two kids?”

* Your vacuum is your best friend. Never mind getting one that can filter out bacteria smaller than one micron, get the one that sucks up Barbie shoes and raisinets and come with a fine comb attachment to suction out head lice.
* You’ll have to read “Goodnight Moon” two to four times a night depending on whether or not you came up with an acceptable reason to give them cold formula tylenol.
* Don’t buy any new furniture till they leave home, besides, you can’t afford it anyway.
* Don’t believe the advertisements, no car seat is easy to install or wrangle. You’re better off putting the kid in the trunk if you can pull it off.
* Stop watching the news because anything happening to any child anywhere will make you crazy.
* You won’t be able to read anything longer than a Reader’s Digest article for a long time.
* Remember how you ridiculed women who watched soap’s? I couldn’t fathom how anyone could watch that crap before I was a mom. Soap’s become your friend. They show you that somewhere women have shirts without stains. Somewhere, romantic evenings are still taking place. Somewhere women have matching sheet sets.

For me, it was seeing a beautifully set table. My eyes would travel from the TV table to my table full of tupperware and Beauty and the Beast bowls and then quickly back to the TV so I could delve into the fantasy of a small festive dinner party with friends. As I watched, my fingertips would glide over my table in search of stuck cherrio's to pick off.

So what’s the upside? Well, once I got a bouquet of dandelions, snapped off at the heads, handed to me from a sticky hand. My daughter beamed as she said, “I pick these for my best mother I know...”