I read recently that the American Cancer Society recommends you use sunscreen if you are going to be exposed to the sun for more than four minutes. So it’s down to walk around with an umbrella like Michael Jackson, or stay in your house and live like a mole. You wanna see the sun? Turn on the nature channel.
Sunscreen is in everything; chapstick, make-up, anti-bug spray, body lotion and, oh yeah, in bottles of sunscreen. Sunscreen is saturating our society and having a negative impact on our culture that no one is talking about.
Stone Age man did not have sunscreen, nor Iron Age people, nor Bronze Age, nor Classical, nor Roman, nor the Dark Ages people (heck they got a break since the dark ages actually were dark), nor the Medieval people, nor the Renaissance folks, nor Industrial Age people, nor the Tupperware Age people, and they all lived. But all of a sudden, in the Microchip Age, we’re all gonna die if we go outside without sunscreen...The makers of sunscreen and ‘Tan in a bottle’ stuff are making a fortune!
Sunburns have a place and purpose in society. You went to the beach, you got a sunburn, you went to a barbecue, you got a sunburn, you went boating, you got a bad sunburn.
When you went to work on Monday with a sunburn, it showed everyone that you actually did something that weekend. It shocked your boss to realize you had a life outside of work. It made an old office love wonder who you were with when you got the burn. You got lotsa extra attention.
“Man, you are fried....”
“Yea, but I had a great time. We went to the beach.....”
Sunburn has the side effect of severe exhaustion. Your pajama’s on your skin never felt as soft and wonderful as when you come home toasted from the beach, take a cool shower, lather on the Noxema and get in your jammies. You slide into bed and are asleep before your head hits the pillow. Try that with SPF 50.
If you had an enemy at the office, there was nothing better than knowing they had a sunburn. Not only could you enjoy each little “ouch” and whimper as they sat down and tried to move around without pain, you could increase their pain with a little careful planning. It might take you awhile to think of something you could congratulate them for, but you’d come up with it eventually. Then, as you’re on your way to get coffee, you come up behind them in their chair and pause to give them a good natured slap on the back, right at the epicenter of their burn, and say, “So, Jerry, heard you got a new electric stapler. Cool. Wish I had one.” And as they look up at you with eyes of agony that ask, “Are you are the anti-Christ?”, you walk your victory lap to the coffee pot.
Sweet.....
In boating communities, sunburn analysis is part of our forensic technique to determine if a relative is lying about having gotten a boat just to keep it to themselves.
“So when were you going to tell us you got a boat, Herb?”
“I don’t have a boat.”
“You have a boat sunburn, you have a boat.”
“Nah, I was at the beach.”
“Nope, I saw you and Janet in the grocery store parking lot. Her hair looked like she stood behind a jet engine.”
“Okay, we went camping.”
“Nope, she walked right by me and didn’t smell like smoke and she wasn’t scratching any bug bites.”
“Look, I didn’t buy a boat. And if I did, I wouldn’t have to announce it to the world!”
“Uh huh. So..... you bought a big boat....”
“There’s no boat I tell you!”
“Hold up your arms, Herb.”
“Ow!”
“You’re sunburned under the arms, that’s a boat burn.”
“Do I look like I have money for a boat?”
“And when you walked by me in the parking lot Herb, you smelled like spilled martini and had dried pimento on your tee-shirt. You wanna continue with this charade, or come clean and tell the family?”
“It’s a very small boat, just fits two people and a cooler. It’s just a floating bathtub really. It folds up and fits into the backseat of the car. You’re not going to tell everyone are you?”
“What’s the boat’s name?”
“It’s..... it’s.... damn......it’s ‘The Grand Poobah’.”
“You are soooo busted..........”
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