Clams: Friend or Foe?

Happy as a Clam!

[A.P. July 24; BRANFORD, Conn. - An 82-year-old man who went clamming in the Long Island Sound says he made the ultimate catch: the wedding ring he lost two years ago. Stewart Petrie says he found an encrusted ring mixed in with his clams Tuesday while he was clamming at the same spot where his ring slipped off his finger in July 2003. After his wife, Mary, scrubbed it with jewelry cleaner, they were able to read the inscription: "MPS to SJP 9-10-67." Her husband's eyes began to tear, she said.
"It was an absolutely stupendous feeling," Stewart Petrie said.
....The Petries say they eventually plan to have jeweler restore the ring. But in the meantime, it isn't leaving his finger.
"I treasure that ring," he said.]

For years I have maintained that clams are smarter than people think. I believe they can communicate, herd, migrate and act like any other intelligent group of beasties. They plot and plan against us and that's why they deserve t be eaten alive with a dab of cocktail sauce! And if this story about them stealing Mr. Petrie ring doesn’t prove my point, then I give up.

Two Year Earlier, the morning of July 24, 2003...... a clambed in Long Island Sound...

“It’ s just that we’ve changed Clarice....”
“Changed nothin’! It’s that scallop isn’t it? Her ruffled shell, huh? What’s her name? Dawn?”
“Leave her out of this.”
“Is it because I’ve gotten so wide? Gee, I’ve only given you a few thousand seed clams! I’m a Mama Clam, and now that the kids are grown and caught, you’re just gonna move on?”

“How’d it go Joe?”
“Ah, Lou, she didn’t take it well. I left her crying in her silt. But she a tough old chowder, she’ll get over over it. Meanwhile, you gotta help me get a ring for Dawn.”
“Okay buddy, anything for my future brother in law. What’s the plan?”
“Can you pump yourself up on top of that conch to get a good look over the clambed?”
“Geez Joe... I dunno, that conch’s gotta be.. two....maybe three inches high...I’ll do my best.”
“You up there okay, Lou?”
“Joe.. I can see your old spot from here!”
“Watch for legs.”
“Hey, lucky day! I see a pair comin’.”
“What’s the hair pattern? I brought the Blue Claw Book for Long Island Legs.”
“Legs are bright white..... with patches of blue streaks. Look’s like a little hair around calf and shins, not much towards the ankles. Knees....movin’ slow...old and arthritic.”
“That’s a classic set. Blue Claw Book value of one gold ring likely. Get down now Lou. When he reaches down I’m gonna open wide and he’ll think he reached into muck, then I clamp down with imperceptible delicacy and hold the ring while he pulls back. Watch.”
“WOW! He didn’t even pause. He doesn’t know you got his ring. He’s still reaching around!”
“Tell Dawn to meet me by the Smirnoff bottle on the sand bar at high tide.”

That evening at the Stewart Petrie home:

“I don’t know where it is. Must’ve come off in the shed. I’ll go look out there.”
“Well you better find it, Stew.”
“I’m 80 years old, what are you worried about?”
“Viagra and that new widow down the street....it ain’t over till it’s over babe....”

The evening of July 23, 2005

“So, she left you for a big oyster with an nine millimeter pearl did she? And you got nothin’ that’s nine millimeters, do ya? So you wanna just wiggle your way home. “
“I brought you a gold ring.....please Clarice, I’m begging you. I wasn’t happy with that scallop. You were right, mixed mollusks don’t work.”
“Isn’t that the ring you gave her? Oh... I don't think so mister..... you ditch that thing where you found it. I want something better than that!”

The morning of July 24, 2005

“I can’t believe it! It IS your ring Stewart!”

The morning of July 25, 2005

“How’d it go, Joe?”
“Ah, Pauly , I think it’s gonna be okay. But you gotta help me her a ring.”
“Okay buddy, anything for an old friend. What’s the plan?”
“Listen, Pauly, you’re a razor clam, can you pump yourself up on top of that conch to get a good look over the clambed and watch for legs?”
“I see a pair comin’ already, moving fast.”
“What’s the hair pattern? I got the Blue Claw Book right here.”
“Legs are tan. Look hairy all over. Knees....fast and flexible.”
“That’s a newer model. Blue Claw Book value of one thick gold ring with a big stone and writing. Watch this, I’m gonna use the old clamp and grab trick.”
“WOW! He didn’t even pause. He doesn’t know you got his big ring!”
“Check this out Pauly! It’s got a faceted stone, ooooo.....lobster red, her favorite color. Got the year... 2005 right around the stone...that will be our new anniversary year. Ohhhh, she’s gonna love this!