Selecting the PERFECT Christmas Tree!

Tree Trek

Soon all across the country, it will begin....men will go on Tree Trek.... the infernal quest for the perfect tree. I was married to a Tree Trekker. I still attend Tree Trek-Anon.

Tree Trek only affects men who insist on a real tree. It begins slowly. Their mates suggest a nice artificial tree. Many of the new ones are beautiful. They make the argument that an artificial tree saves the life of a noble fir. They are fire resistent, reuseable. They don't shed any sharp nettles that she is still vacuuming out of the carpet in May. She doesn't have to nag him to take it down and schlepp it away to the dumps since we have no garbage pick-up here. She makes a good case, but nooooOOOOooooo. HE has to have a 'real tree'......

First he has to decide when to get it. Can't get it too soon or your pay full retail. Can't get it too late or you'll have no selection. Tree Trekkers usually won't buy a tree until less than a week before Christmas, by then they figure the prices will be starting to drop.

Next, where to get the tree? It must be the as FAR as you can POSSIBLY drive in a day and still get back home by nine! And this trip can not be made alone..... After all, it is Christmas and picking the tree is a tradition! You WILL go with him and you WILL enjoy it. So Mama packs the kids in the car with toys, pampers and enough food for three days. The kids are excited about getting the tree as you put them in the car. As the car leaves the driveway, they begin to ask, "Are we there yet?"

The tree must be purchased from the same place where they got 'such a deal' last year. It may also be purchased from where a co-worker said they got a great deal. Many Tree Trekkers go to tree farms where the workers chop down the one HE picks. Trekkers can spend hours looking at over 5000 potential candidates before they find the perfect tree which is always the furthest possible point from the entrance! Severe Tree Trekkers even insist on chopping down their own trees. A Tree Farm worker's favorite entertainment is watching Weekend Warriors prove to themselves that they are still men of the Great Outdoors by trying to chop down their own trees and perform a traumatic amputation of their leg at the same time....

The next funfilled event is tying the tree on top of the car while all the passengers wait inside the car...big fun. This must be done when the kids are at their hungriest and grumpiest peak. A freezing cold night adds to the festive atmosphere. The tree is tied tight enough to keep the it in place, but loose enough not to break any branches. Years of practice have honed the Tree Trekkers skills. He performs this task with mathmatical precision, taking into account the aeronautical lift of an evergreen traveling at 75 miles an hour, the weight of the car, the drag caused by the door handles, and the air speed velocity of a coconut laden sparrow (you have to watch Monty Python's Holy Grail to get that joke).

Finally, with his kill tied atop his car, the Trekker heads home. He is jubilant. He retells the tale of how he got the best tree and for five dollars less than they were charging yesterday. This joyous occasion reminds him of treks past. He reminensces about when his father took him and his Mom and siblings on tree treks. While he's lost on memory lane, his wife who has combated tired, bored children for the past eight hours, discreetly takes her Stress Tabs (M&M's) out of the diaper bag, turns towards the window and eats them.

At last, the tree is home! She wrangles the kids to bed, changes to bedclothes and steels herself for the final assault of the Tree Trekker...

The tree must be put up tonight and it must be plumb! When she gets to the living room, he is spinning the tree around to determine the best side. She dutifully gets behind tree, the nettles poke through her flannel gown and get damn personal. Her hands are full of sticky sap. He stands across the room.

"Okay, tilt it to the right. No, that's too far, back a little. Nope, too far, I said a little bit, not a foot. Okay, that's better. Now hold it." He runs to another corner of the room and starts again.

"Oh man, it's way off from this angle. Lean it forward, little more..... you're not going to fall into the tree...c'mon, a little more, STOP. Don't move." He runs to back to the first corner...... this goes on for quite awhile until she threatens to give Lorena Bobbitt his name and a thousand dollars. Now all she has to do is hold this big tree perfectly still while he lays under the tree and screws the tree into the stand.

I recall once when I was eight months pregnant and too big to move the tree around, I got to lay on the floor and turn the screws. I couldn't get under the low branches and ended up tipping the tree over. My Tree Trekker was so mad, he wouldn't help me get off the cold linoleum floor. If I hadn't found a Lego table to help me to my knees, I'd be there still.

Hallelujah, the tree is up ! Things go smoothly after that, the tree gets decorated and the Christmas shows up on time. The next battle is how long the Tree Trekkers wants the tree up.

My ex insisted on having the tree up until after the Super Bowl. After the "Stupor Bowl" I would strip the tree and offer to help him take it down and drag it outside. He would put me off and warn me not to nag him. Well, I'm a patient woman.

Valentines Day. I would offer to hire someone to take the tree down. He refused, as a dedicated Tree Trekker, he would take care of that himself. Sort of completing the circle, he chopped it, he would drag it to the curb.

St. Patrick's Day. I would start to feel very discouraged. Most of the nettles were gone and what was left was totally brown. I used to worry what people would think of us with a tree up in March, then I remembered, he hated people in the house, we never had company......what a relief!

My ex's record for having a stripped, brown, nettleless Christmas tree up was June 6. On that day I rebelled and hired a man to haul it out of the house. He said not a word, but went straight to his work.... Dragged out the tree and said, "Who's the jerk?"

Someday I may find the courage to date again. Among my list of qualifying questions, right after, 'Breathing, owns a boat, likes board games, will take me back to Venice', and I will add, 'likes artificial trees'.